Relationship Isolating - waitng

[Deleted member 44240]

@B.J. oh you are going to hate this..... but sometimes going back to a volatile r...

He only has the VA to rely on at this time. When we were doing well I wanted to put him on my insurance so that he would have a private therapist as an option. Since the isolation started, we haven’t had much communication, so I’m not sure of want he’s currently doing.

 

[nowthisisme]

Since Veterans Day contact has been very limited. He's working more and has stated he needs to focus on...

That's quite some time. Each person is different, as for me it varies sometimes for a few days or a few weeks.

I've done the same as your SO, when I'm isolated and he's out of town i would call/text him many times, he made me feel safe and that there is hope.

Give him some time, but remind him how much you care, send him a random "i love you" message or buy flowers, just a simple small gesture to remind him you love him and care about him.

Good luck!

 

[anon1234]

Two months. You'll read it a lot here, but patience and space are key. It took a lot of willpower for me not to send too many texts. I found that a lighthearted text once a week worked, nothing heavy whatsoever.

I also want to say that this gives them the opportunity to decide if they are willing to put in the effort to work on their condition and the time to reflect on whether they can handle the relationship. I think this is really key, and it's something that can take a while. The decision must come from within. If they are not ready, a relationship will be nearly impossible and pressure may be too much to bear.

It is frustrating, because during isolation you can't see what is going on, making the supporter impatient and susceptible to reacting badly, aggravating the situation. You just can't see or tell if they are making any steps to improve the quality of their lives. Give it time, if they are ready, you will hear from them. Sometimes doing nothing really is the best policy.

 

[Cleo1521]

First time it was about 3 months. This time I’m going on almost 3 weeks. I didn’t understand what was happening the first time and I kept trying and trying and failed. This time I’ve sent one positive text and that’s it. He’s the only person that can decide to help himself right now. The harder you push...the farther he goes.

 

[Mackie]

Thank You @B.J., @Freida, @Sweetpea76, @Buttercup, @nowthisisme, @anon1234 and @Cleo1521!! Each of you have provided valuable insight. @Buttercup and @nowthisisme I did not think about his calling while I was gone the way you presented it. That makes sense. @anon1234 and @Cleo1521 It is hard not to text but like you suggested I did yesterday. I sent a light hearted text and he responded. On a daily basis we still exchange "Good Morning" and "Good Night" mine with a emoji and his with none if he's not feeling smiley. I sent him a frowny emoji back in early Dec after he responded "Good Night" without any emoji. His response "Got enough grief already don't add to it". Then later he started back adding it on now he's back to no emoji. At least he is responding and I know he's alive. I figure once a week like @anon1234 suggested I'd send something light hearted. I know this is a difficult time of year for him so I'll give him the space he needs to take care of himself. @Cleo1521 you are so right. He is the only one that can decide what he needs and wants.

 

[Cleo1521]

Thank You @BJ, @Freida, @Sweetpea76, @Buttercup...

I know mine is out doing reckless things and there’s nothing I can do about it. Spending time with people that don’t care about him or what’s happening to him, but I believe it’s all just a distraction from his reality. Last time I called him out on him and it turned into 3 months of him exploding on me and basically making me be the one who was out of line. He doesn’t see clearly right now. It’s heartbreaking. I have a constant knot in my stomach.

 

[Mackie]

@Cleo1521 that's the problem isn't it. They tend to gravitate towards people that are just going to end up treating them badly when they are isolating from you. I suspect my SO is doing something similar because being with me right now is too much pressure for him.

 

[Cleo1521]

@Cleo1521 that's the problem isn't it. They tend to gravitate towards people that ar...

It makes me want to lose it. With me I think it’s a mixture of pressure ( although I’m not sure that’s the right word) and the fact that he can’t fake being ok with me. Once the other close friends start to fall off I really know it’s about him not being able to face it. He can pretend he’s ok with people that require very little effort. This is the point I really begin to worry.

 

[Mackie]

@Cleo1521 we can't save them from themselves. All we can do is be there when they want to come back to us. In the meantime keep yourself busy doing things that are positive for you. At times like this I also keep in mind that not everyone is cut out to be a supporter. Not everyone will take the time required to learn about PTSD like are all trying to do.

 

[Cleo1521]

@Cleo1521 we can't save them from themselves. All we can do is be there when they wa...

Like the people they run off with in these times.

 

[Buttercup]

I also want to say that this gives them the opportunity to decide if they are willing to put in the ef...

I agree with all of this. This is very true for my situation. And I mean like all of what you said.

I have finally learned to be patient and i work hard at not reacting badly. A huge dose of acceptance that they may decide or realize they do not want, or can not do, a relationship is very much required and that was also hard to get to for me.

 

[Buttercup]

Thank You @BJ, @Freida, @Sweetpea76, @Buttercup...

It is also very fortunate that he made it quite clear you were adding to his stress. Now you know this for sure and without a doubt because he verbalized this to you in the moment. You can work with that.