Isolation and fear

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I live in a house with others, too many others - I say this not because I don't appreciate their living here, but because it is a three bedroom house with five people living in it and with the exclusion of a 4 year old, everyone is 18 or over. They're all my family and the only family who haven't abused me in some way or another. They all know about my PTSD and what caused it more or less.

Every now and then I need to isolate, for me it's isolation or crisis - I have noticed a rise in self-harm and suicidal ideation until I start isolating and then usually suddenly it drops down, I feel guilty then because I am isolating causing them worry when I am not experiencing such terrible symptoms, but I can't start not being in isolation because I am not ready for these feelings to return - and when they do I don't know how to stop them.

I don't have anywhere else to isolate just my small bedroom upstairs at the back of the house. I fear every footstep that comes near my door - though why I don't know, all I do know is I don't want to be seen - possibly because I'm not doing so horrifically and possibly because maybe I'm in denial and I'm really not doing great. I spend most of my time sleeping, worrying or through various forms of escapism. When I fear someone is upstairs I freeze and if they approach the bathroom (which is next to my room) or come near my room for some reason, I hide under the covers and hold my breath, something I also do occasionally when they are not there, though to a lesser degree of fear and usually because I am no longer certain of their location within the house.

If I need to leave my room to re-fill my bottle of water from the bathroom (something which I usually only do in the small hours of the morning) or to go to the toilet I leave my room cautiously and in panic for the 12ft max I have to walk and won't go if anyone will be able to see me. The same goes both ways I fear it deeply.

I am isolating at the moment - something I'm not proud of, but it happens and when in the toilet earlier, I pushed the door ajar a few centimetres or an inch at most, and saw someone out there, probably waiting to use the toilet as well (we only have one) or just passing. So I waited behind the door and slowly pulled it closed again and waited, listening silently to hear them leave, 10 minutes passed and they must have gone because they came back and asked if I was still in the toilet, I murmured and when I heard them leave, I ran straight back to my room. I know it's not normal to be so terrified of being seen (for which I feel intense guilt and shame and disgust of myself for the other person), of having to see someone see me, but scared of fear that feels as if I'm with an inch of my life, to need to hide and hold my breath and to feel my heart beat my whole body violently, especially when I know the person there would never hurt me or even judge.

I don't have this fear here or when my friend (who didn't know I was isolating) messaged me - so maybe its the fear that people know I'm not doing well or they can see me in such a state. Or that I feel guilty for not being able to do things like chores or babysitting. I don't know. When anyone else is isolating do they experience such intense fear of being seen or acknowledged by anyone they know? Does anyone else live with others so that this is a problem? Do you experience this fear anyway - I always get in the morning but only when someone is outside my room - hold my breathe and freeze and my heart jumps, but I know who and what it is and it passes? How do you deal with it? Am I making a fuss over nothing - should I just get over it and if so how?

 

[arfie]

These days I get to isolate to my heart's content. I finally live alone and get to know a cabinet will stay clean after I wipe it off. I get to refill my water bottle in the nude and nobody will be offended. I lived in crowded conditions most of my 59 years and was so sure this would be heaven.

So where is that heart's contentment? I don't remember packing those fears and anxieties, yet every one of them has taken up residence in my new digs. I miss my scapegoats more every day.

How do I deal with it? Still idea shopping...

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I lived on my own for 3 years, I can only say it didn't work out too well for me, repeatedly. The issues were far worse than this and substantially more unhealthy, it is for that time living on my own I am living back here with more issues than I left with. At this stage I have to admit, I need help looking after myself, keeping safe and maintaining as healthy a life as a can and this is what I have at the moment. It is a large part of why I volunteered for therapy - to try and gain some normal life functioning skills, to get past my past and try to live life to the fullest I can manage, but I am ashamed of my behaviour and what other people perceive of me and I am ashamed of feeling such irrational fear of movements caused by people I know aren't out to get me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I hear ya. The desire to isolate is part of the symptom of "constriction" and plays a large part in agoraphobia.

Constriction has virtually destroyed my social life and my feelings of safety in the world, or even in my own home. It gets stronger whenever I give in to it. The only way I overcome it on a daily basis is confronting it when I feel up to it. I go through the panic attacks and disorientation each time I push myself to be out in the world, or even sometimes on the main floor of my own home.

It's really difficult. I have learned to have an agoraphobia tool kit with me at all times. My purse, my cell phone, some cash, some cinnamon gum, my bottle of Xanax, ear plugs, and sunglasses to reduce incoming sensory overload.

Though I'm doing a lot better, it is still very difficult for me with new people, places, or noises.

 

[WillyKat]

I don't think there's anything wrong in isolating yourself, so I don't think you're not contributing if you happen to take some *me* time now and then.

My need to isolate takes me out for walks and when possible, I have a couple of places where I can be alone amongst some trees and not be seen. I can then do some breathing exercises, close my eyes, and listen to the wind, water, and birds (and try to block out the traffic).

That need also takes me out on solo wilderness quests where I'm alone for days at a time (except for other backpackers, fisher folk, and the like). Oh, no cell phone or any other electronic connection either.

Being alone is our way of finding a place free of all triggers, where we can finally let the cup or bucket full of crap drain out a bit.

 

[Foudre]

My heart went out to you when I read this story.

Isolation or dissociation are so very common amongst us suffers of trauma. I have often felt like you especially last year when I was living with my fiancé as he didn't understand and used to make me feel awfully ashamed about it and that it was weird or unacceptable. I now know that it isn't weird at all. It's a coping strategy (ironic really as I'm sure it feels like we are barely coping at all).. But you are doing what you need to do to get through at the moment.

I have gone there. Trust me I have, And to make it worse I suffer with acne now too so I massively massively didn't want to be seen "in this state".

I'm going to make two suggestions to you and I'd really really love to hear you've tried them. Hard as it may be to motivate these two things have helped me feel a little bit more calm or grounded.

Do you have an iPad or iPhone or Mac ? If yes, download a yoga app called Yoga Studio. Everyone has raved about yoga helping emotional health for years, to the point where I didn't want to try it simply to rebel against it or through fear perhaps... "What if I did make me feel better? What do I do with that feeling".. Will you try it? It really has helped me stretch out my achy depressed body and it leaves you with a lovely fresh feeling.. I'd love to hear if this helps you feel differently at all even for ten minutes.. I do it every day if I can, it could become part of your routine of regaining power over your life and invigorating yourself.

My next suggestion is writing.. How about you write to maybe just one or two of the family that you live with? They are probably worried about you and don't know how to help. Why don't you start letting them in. Just a tiny bit? A tiny note that says "I'm feeling like this........ And it makes me feel ashamed and isolated because of my own behaviour I feel I have to do" ? You could just ask to be in the loop of what's happening in their world if you don't want to talk about your thoughts.

You could slip it under their door at night and they do the same back... Maybe sounds a bit old school but my suggestion is there to try and get you some little bits of contact without any pressure or overwhelming confrontation.

What do you think?

Also are you having any therapy? If not I really think you ought to find a good trauma/PTSD therapist.. And again if you can't meet one or phone one - write/email them because you've done pretty well on her.

Wishing you well.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I definitely think that a fear of confrontation is a big aspect of my fear of being seen, that I will upset someone or some how be pressured into coming out of my isolation. Yes - probably because they care but that I'm not ready and won't be able to say so. I don't ask for things I need, like isolation. And don't stand my ground over things I need insist like this because I'm sure they're right and that it's not healthy but I seem to need it to recover somehow. I don't want them to worry because actually I'm kind of OK in here and it's a relief and when I go back to non isolation that will be a relief too, it swings between the two and I should probably find a healthy balance to prevent either being an issue - as yet I haven't worked out how.

 

[ill]

I think healthy is more relative than we usually think. Isolation may not be healthy for some folks, but it can be for others. Frankly, I *need* it. When I don't have enough time alone, I don't function as well. I really need this solitude to center, calm and ground myself, to figure out what I think and feel without worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings. It lets me recharge myself and then when I do interact with people, it's easier and I can be more clear with my boundaries and feelings.

One thing I am trying to do is let people know that I'm taking some time to myself for whatever reason, and that I'm okay. And I am okay, but in order to make sure I stay that way, I need that time to myself. This one is still really hard for me and I've had a tendency to let people know mostly after the fact, but on the occasions I've been able to be proactive about it, most people have respected it. Do you think you might feel comfortable just leaving a note saying "I'm okay but I just need some time to myself, Love X"?

Your needs are your needs. They're valid and it's okay to ask to have them met or to just let people know you're going to meet them for yourself. I think recognizing your needs and then meeting them is a sign of good health, honestly. It's one of the nicest, kindest things we can do for ourselves and, personally, I've found it really healing. Much of my trauma is rooted in other people denying my needs/boundaries. Taking the time to honour, respect and meet them - believing that I *deserve* to have them met, that I'm not terrible or bad for having them, has made a big difference. Your needs aren't good needs or bad needs, they're just your needs and there's nothing wrong with them except when they're not being met. It really is okay to do what's right and good for you.

 

[sabster]

Who wouldn't go crazy sharing their bedrooms with so many persons, ptsd or not? I kicked out my sister of my room, we all need space and time for ourselves.

In your situation, that many people can make you feel overwhelmed, and it worsens with ptsd. It's legit to want to isolate. But only you know if it's good for you or not.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Oh no, I don't share a bedroom with anyone, one of us sleeps in a spare room (I think it's supposed to be a dining room, it's quite big) downstairs and another has a custom made bed to fit in a nook in the hallway (slightly less fair I know, she did love the idea at the time, but it has worn off!). I know it's very unusual, but we none of us can afford much else, but in less than a year, one will be moving out and the other is going away to uni. We've all also considered moving away from the area as everyone knows that my abusers live on our doorstep and they are almost as equally sickened by it as I am. I do consider leaving home but I know I'm much worse on my own and on leaving the area - I would be a long way away from anybody and I don't make friends easy, I stick by what I know and that is that at this stage I need some support and care, hopefully I won't so much in the future.

I sent my mum a text message last night and got her to take me to therapy today, I've explained I still need time on my own but I may come down to get food or something, but that it wouldn't be likely and I mostly still wasn't ready to come back down and that it wasn't personal, she said she already knew but that she was grateful for the explanation. I apologised again and we left it that.

 

[bell]

@Kas_Can_Fly, sorry you're having a rough go at it, what a bummer! I'm going to piggyback on @Foudre and just ask if you've tried writing at all? Not necessarily giving it to other people even, just writing out your thoughts? It can really ease the muck that's in there and help sort things out when you're in a muddle...

And secondly, even though my avatar shows that I'm biased, the first thought that came to my head was trying something like knitting. Studies have shown that it calms the brainwaves to states similarly found in meditation, and I was wondering if that might help ease the anxiety when you hear footsteps near the door and help you come out of your isolation better by allowing you to actually isolate "better," if that makes sense? If you don't fancy knitting, then you maybe you could try something else to get you in the "flow" state ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology) ), as it may help lessen some of your symptoms?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have tried writing and sometimes it helps a huge amount others it makes things worse. I wish for me things ran consistently - it would make my life so much easier and less of a guessing game.

As for knitting, well I'd like to be able to knit, but I really suck at it and get very frustrated. But I can cast on a whole lot - I love casting on! Thanks for the reading on flow, I'll have a good look through that. I think a part of my fear when someone comes near my door is that if they came in and saw me I would probably be OK and then they'd think I was trying to get attention, get out of chores or that I'm just lazy and wasting time, nothing's ever been said to tell me that, it's just an extension of the guilt I feel when locking myself away.

I am now cautiously reintegrating with the house for short periods of time, though I notice I feel unable to deal with things life being spoken to or just being near other people very quickly, but the more I practice again, the more it's a little less hard.