Relationship Isolation By Imposition!

[Deleted member 38137]

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Sorry - I know its not funny but I can't help laughing. I've spent my whole...

It was more than just an eyeball scratch. My dickhead acting manager wanted a freakkin dr note even though he sent me home the night before because my eye was a bloodshot smeary mess. So there's $50 at Christmas had I complied. I didn't.

Add on the fact that I was looking like a cyclops, my vision was compromised and I just wanted to lay in bed... So I was pissed!!!

It's like I'm not real.

 

[joeylittle]

@PartTimeWarriorLover - you said you've heard him saying bad things about you behind your back to his ex before. I'm wondering, did you think about leaving, then? (Honest question, no snark)

 

[Sighs]

Oh hon! I'm so sorry your eye was that bad. Its awful when you feel like death warmed up and you get no reaction from someone who supposedly loves you.

There are two dynamics here in my opinion. And neither one makes it ok. (Reasons - not excuses!)

1. Soldiers are trained to achieve the mission regardless of discomfort. My vet views everything as a bloody mission. Camping. Snowboarding. Painting the house. All are to be achieved regardless of pain, discomfort, exhaustion. He will not admit to his own discomfort. Any reference on my part to discomfort will be considered whinging and bad for morale and his response will be harsh. (Can take the boy out of the Army - can't take the Army out of the boy!)

Also understand that these guys operate on a whole different level.

Me: I'm hungry.
HIm: (genuinely confused) But we ate like six hours ago.

(He once went without rations for 9 days. Weather prevented air resupply. On Day 3 he came across a dead pigeon and thought "yeah, no - I'm not desperate enough to eat that." On day 6 he went back for that pigeon and ate it.)

Me: I'm tired.
Him: (genuinely surprised) But we had like 4 hours sleep just last night.

(He once went 75 hours without sleep when he and his boys were under attack and reinforcements could not get through.)

Me: Ew! The baby goat crapped in our bed!
HIm: (genuinely not concerned) Try hopping into the last gun picket's sleeping bag when he's had dysentery all night.

So in his head, yeah your eye is sore. But you're not going to lose it. So suck it up buttercup.

2. PTSD is about survival. I know this makes no sense to supporters. But to him - getting time alone is a matter of life and death. He doesn't want to isolate. He needs to isolate. Now. So somewhere in his head - not that he is necessarily aware of this but its there - you have a sore eye and he is dying. He is literally struggling to stay alive. And the only way for him to keep breathing is to get you out of the house.

So... where does that leave you? Hopefully understanding that it is nothing you've done or said or are. But also understanding that he is not going to change. At least no time soon.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

@PartTimeWarriorLover - you said you've heard him saying bad things about you beh...

I've thought about leaving him several times. But we have this crazy chemistry. And he's acting a fool again tonight, but tomorrow is Christmas and I'm taking you gals advice and gonna go in the bedroom and watch my IPAD. I don't want to leave him alone on Christmas although I feel like telling him to go blank himself right now.

 

[joeylittle]

I've thought about leaving him several times. But we have this crazy chemistry.

Ok. I understand how addictive that can be. I guess, at some point you are going to need to decide that the chemistry isn't worth the bad stuff. PTSD is one thing, but talking about you behind your back is another. I don't know that tolerating that is going to be good for you long term.

But relationships are complicated, and I'm sure we are only getting a slice of the picture.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Ok. I understand how addictive that can be. I guess, at some point you are going to need to decide...

Well obviously (besides the fact it's uncouth) he's definitely got a bit of social awkwardness going on. When you don't leave the house for days and weeks at a time, you do have the tendency to not know how to use your filter.

I really think he doesn't realize what he says at times. Lack of being in any meaningful relationship also has made him not realize what's acceptable and what is not.

If he was a "normal" 42 year old man, I would find his mouth much more offensive. But he pretty much lives in a bubble of internet, movies and books. Plus he's extremely smart. How they ever decided to put him in combat, I will never know. I think he would have been better suited for making bombs or something.

 

[Fadeaway]

But he pretty much lives in a bubble of internet, movies and books. Plus he's extremely smart. How they ever decided to put him in Combat, I will never know.

There is a real possibility that pre PTSD he was very much a different person.

When you don't leave the house for days and weeks at a time, you do have the tendency to not know how to use your filter.

That is far from being true for everyone. I go long periods without leaving the house, and I tend to be much more self conscious as a result. I put way more constraint on myself because I feel that I don't fully grasp social norms and don't want to embarrass myself.

 

[MonkeeMoo]

Oh hon! I'm so sorry your eye was that bad. Its awful when you feel like death warmed up and you get no...

Your are on point with #2... I experienced this when we came back from our first road trip home from Florida to Illinois.... we arrived late a night, and we arrived at his house first. I live 30' north from him, and he wanted me to go straight home! After being with him 4 nights in a row! I guess it was 'too much' for him! ... At that time, I felt so incredibly hurt and I thought he was 'kidding'-- I cried on the way home. I just didn't understand... until I started seeing him want more space more often months after... and truly realizing that this PTSD is no joke.

Acceptance, compassion, patience, understanding, empathy, wisdom-- all these traits are what you will need keep practicing -- especially so with him, if you want to be in his life, and you want him to be in yours! ...In the meantime, get your support here! And learn all about PTSD.