General Isolation, Coping Mechanism Or Bad Habit?

[Badger]

Would sufferers out there say that the pace of a relationship affects the amount of isolating? Like if you were to take things at a slower pace would it make it feel safer and easier?

In our case the isolating didn't get to be a serious problem until I learned about the abuse, which is why I kind of think its about shame in some way. However, he used to not text me everyday, and not respond to are you ok texts, so I see him less, but at the same time hes making himself more accountable to me.

Today, I got a flat tire and called AAA. (It was below freezing and I only have a doughnut spare) Sent him a text complaining that this happened today in the snow, and before my coffee. He didn't check his texts right away because he was with his parents and I got this really apologetic "Oh my God are you OK is there something I can do" text. A month ago he might have ignored that completely. So its wierd, he seems more responsive AND more isolated.

 

[mamachick]

Badger-I see how hard you are trying to figure things out to make the relationship as good as you can. Im not sure that there are any real predictables here. We have the same thing, but our reactions are often quite unique. Just as our trauma's are somewhat unique, I think that we all have our own private logic in some way, and that is why responses differ some.

He might have isolated due to shame after telling you about it, or he might have felt the need to isolate and felt that he owed you and explanation for his need to explanation. I can say that a relationship that moves forward too quickly makes me want to back off. So yes, for me, slower is better. How long have you been in this relationship if you dont mind my asking?

 

[Badger]

Brat-3 months. Its mostly a friendship right now, with some dating thrown in. We have quite a lot in common and we do really like each other quite alot. He has full custody of his 5 year old daughter, and I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old. We do a lot of stuff together with our kids because we met at our daughters' preschool. Kids slow things down in a relationship anyway. Wether or not a parent is willing to admit it he/she is probably always interested in knowing if their potential partner would fit in to their family. Strangely that is NOT the thing I would worry about if we were together. He's a really responsible parent in spite of his issues. I would worry more about him isolating from me (not the kids) in the relationship once it gets to the point where we would have to rely on each other more seriously. I think it might be headed in that direction. He seems to be interested inbringing his daughter here for holidays, meeting my mom etc.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you think a non-PTSD 'ER will know the difference between a time out (me time) and isolating? I see some supporters freak because they didn't get a text message today and go into meltdown mode thinking their sufferer is isolating. I have friends who get pissed because I can't take 24/7 socialization and need down time. I think the big hurdle is realizing a PTSD relationship will be very different from any other.

 

[mamachick]

Badger-that is great that you have children in common and you see him as a very responsible parent. I think you are wise to be seeking this information early in the relationship. You say that it is mostly a friendship right now, and I honestly think that is the foundation for any good relationship, whether or not it becomes more in the future. As a sufferer, I would keep my expectations low for now, and enjoy the friendship. The fact that you have so much in common and do things with the kids sounds like you have a good friend in him, at least in that area.

I agree, kids do slow things down. I married a man that does not have ptsd but is not attentive or very affectionate. At first I liked it because he did not have a jealous bone and was not controlling like my first abusive husband. It got old though. Eventually as I healed from first marriage, I wanted more and he just was incapable. It is very heartbreaking. I think that it is great that you are seeking this information, I hope that you are not investing more in the relationship than he is. I think you are right about stating that most people wonder if a potential partner will fit in with their family. Have you considered doing a really honest inventory of what is important to you in a relationship?

I have been working on this myself and it is more difficult than I think it is. Many say sex is not that important (but married couples will often day-unless it becomes an issue) I am working on that inventory and really trying to be honest, but it changes from day to day. Or I have a date and realize a characteristic that I could not live with. (such as disclosing professional and confidential information on the first date). I am using the book "The Secret" as the guide. It is really important to state what I want rather than what I dont want. That is sometimes hard for me.

 

[DMerish]

I think that it is great that you are seeking this information, I hope that you are not investing more in the relationship than he is. I think you are right about stating that most people wonder if a potential partner will fit in with their family. Have you considered doing a really honest inventory of what is important to you in a relationship?

I definately agree! And disagree, too :-o

I agree that it's great you're seeking information early on. You definately deserve lots of kudos for that one!!!!

And, I agree about Brat's suggestion to find out what you do want! You'll know when to "go for it" and when to "put the breaks on" more quickly - kind of like having antena :-)

But I disagree about most people wondering if a potential partner will fit in with their family. I think most females do that but I don't think many men do that unless, or until much later, and then only maybe. IDK - just my two cents.

 

[mamachick]

Solara I see the same thing that you observe-Non ptsd-ers freaking out because they did not get a text message or because they want constant attention.

I have come to believe that most relationships do not last, that is why there are so many second and third marriages and relationships in between. There are some that are lucky enough to find the right person and spend the rest of their life together. Some may be luck, but much is knowing themselves well and being honest with themselves and the other person.

There is a lot of information about the power of attraction. You can have a room full of 100 people, and the most co dependent person will find the biggest alcoholic in the room. There are many other personality types that will attract as well but dont want to get into that as it is not the point. A non ptsd-er that freaks because they did not get a text or interpret the other person spending time with friends and alone, likely has issues of something of their own (attachment, needing to fix, ???) The last guy that I went out with briefly, after the first date, texted and called often and wanted to find something to do everynight there after for 2 -4 weeks. I declined most and paced it to about 3 evenings a week. He kind of pouted. It was too much for me so that was the end.

I agree that a ptsd relationship will be very different than any other. But I also think that it could be similiar to dating someone who has a very full life and feels whole. They may work 50 hrs per week, have parental obligations, play tennis a couple of night, volunteer on a board that meets, be active in their church, etc. They are not isolatiing, nor are they deserting themselves in the event that this will be a serious and long lasting relationship. A good relationship builds over time, trust comes as it is deserved. I think that if the other person wants to spend every moment with you possible, what were they doing before me? Am I filling a hole in them? Again, we all interpret differently.

 

[mamachick]

DMerish-I agree with your last statement as well. I was thinking about those with small children. For me, I could care less about them fitting into my family, heck, I dont fit into my family...lol My children are all grown. I dont need their approval anymore. I am at a place that the person only need make me happy and smile. You are probably right about the gender too. I just know that there are many women with children attempting to date, and they do consider-if the guy does not have children and wants to golf every sunday and loud kids get on his nerves, women tend to consider these things. Sometimes they overlook but its like putting a square peg in a round hole.

 

[Badger]

Drew- its not a man woman thing, its a full time single parent thing. (Typically thats the woman, I guess but not always) If you are the parent that has custody thats how you are going to think.

Brat your description of the non possessive husband sounds like the father of my kids. Not jealous, not interested. Its a business relationship, and has been since my first daughter was born. We are seperated more then 9 months now, but live in different floors of the same house. Im basically stuck here taking care of the 3 year old because I couldnt live on my own and work and afford daycare. I plan on moving out as soon as she starts kindergarten.

 

[mamachick]

I know I have had men that were attracted to my motherly and nurturing qualities with my own kids, and they were looking for someone they could spend time with when they are with their children and who would be accomodating.

I know I still look at how men treat their children, their parents, as well as others.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Interesting, I isolate myself from almost everything except what I absolutely have to do, I do not watch tv with my wife, her days off are spent with others and not me, I do not go to dinners etc..I feel safer in my shell most of the time..the problem is ,that the farther I get into my shell, the less I let out, frustration builds because I am watching life go by but at the present time, I do not have the motivation or confidence to beat what I am feeling. Everyone including the ones closest to me seem to not care what or where I am or what I am doing. It's like all I feel is the Pain. I am scared alot of times, because I feel like I am coming to head...and I will have no choice but to remove myself from the people that I thought cared about me and I will have to move on..If I am going to always feel alone, why not always be alone..I guess

 

[mamachick]

Shannon, I am sorry that you do this but also I can relate. It is like life came to a halt. The first week of isolating felt a little strange (that I should be doing things) but comfortable. Each week has gotten easier. It has been almost 5 years now, and I live alone with my dogs. Now it takes me weeks to go out of the house and do something that I absolutely have to do.

I have gone through periods where I force myself to go some place with friends, but once I do, I cant do it again for a month or so. I am out of dogfood so making the chicken and rice from my little food supply. I just cant leave even to get the dogfood right now. Maybe tomorrow.