Relationship Isolation, Taking Breaks, And Retaining Clarity. How?

[Hojay]

I'm now on an almost month-long break with my sufferer. Things just became untenable - his stress cup was so full, we basically could not have a conversation without him lashing out. He has started blaming me for not letting him calm down, and also started arguing along the lines that my "issues" are just as harmful to our relationship as his PTSD is. I disagree with that. I think I have issue like everyone else...but can't he see his lashing out is the root cause for all of it? It hurts to be told that apparently I'm unable to "manage" his PTSD better. It's such a confusing accusation.

I called the break because I didn't see any other way. He agreed, told me he loved me, and that he will use this time to learn to manage himself better.

...but now, almost two weeks in, I can't seem to regain my balance from everything that has happened. I'm starting to feel like this is not a constructive break, one that can be used to reset and start over, but one that is leading up to an actual breakup. I am terrified that this distance will make him even more "scared" to come back to me. Essentially, I feel like everything is my fault, I should have done X or Y, and his trust will never be regained.

And then I think, wait, this has nothing to do with me! It's his PTSD. He's probably not even thinking about me and our relationship as such, but is focusing on regaining his own balance.

...then again, maybe not.

With a bit under a week to go until we speak again, I don't even know how to approach him anymore. I don't know what I can or should say, how this can be rebuilt.

Do any of you have success stories in terms of taking breaks? What mindspace did you find yourself in and how did you manage to face new contact with confidence and clarity.

I'm usually quite good at catching myself, but this ride has been so confusing I don't know where to start...

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hey @Hojay,

Firstly ... hugs to you :hug:

This is not me attacking you so please do not see it like that, however I don't think you're utilizing this break very well. I know it's easier said than done but during this break you should be working on yourself and doing all the things you love rather than worrying if all will be OK at the end of it. I know it's super super hard to do but you both should be using this time to work on yourselves individually so you can be better together no?

I think if you spend all this time worrying and thinking about every detail then when you do see each other all this fear that's been building up in you will bubble over and it won't be beneficial for you or your SO.

Me and my friend have often taken breaks from each other, most of the time this hasn't been verbalized to each other we just know when space is needed - strange I know. I guess the difference with us is we have never been official, never the less we still need space. I have had family issues the last week or so and so I took a few days out from my SO, not in a cruel way I just lessened communication so I could get my head straight - it really is true that your mood affects those around you. After I came out of my slump my sufferer went into one, so I am currently giving him the space he needs to work things out. When I do that I throw myself into exercise, I plan activities with friends - granted I don't very much feel like doing this but when I'm there and doing it I feel so much better rather than wallowing at home.

When we do come back together after some isolation/time apart we usually resume speaking, he usually messages to apologies and say he wasn't feeling great or that he had a wobbler but he's ok now. When I do it I usually just send him a link to something funny etc. It's entirely up to you how you want to play it, I would refrain from going in too heavy and maybe just suggest coffee or ask how he's doing and that it would be nice to see him?

When you do see him, you can both maybe touch upon reflection points during your break, what you've realized you need to work on and do if you want to make the relationship work? This is why I ask you to focus on you so you can see that you need to look after no1 and reflect logically.

Sorry if I haven't been much help, I do hope everything works out!!

 

[Hojay]

@Newtoptsd Thank you! I see no attack at all in your helpful response, rather just a very good reminder to focus on myself.

And I try! I excerzise a lot, meet with friends, see a therapist etc. but when all is said and done, I just can't shake the anxiety of what this all means. I go back and forth between focusing on my own misgivings about the relationship (balancing myself toward the possibility that he might call things off), focusing on my role in co creating the situation we're in (preparing to gain clarity for when we resume) and pushing the issue aside completely because I frankly don't know what is asked of me right now.

Even though I called this break myself it oddly feels like an abandonment...

I know I'm not making much sense. I have to find a way to distance myself while also staying involved, but remaining firm in what I need while also meeting him halfway. It's darn confusing right now.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Hojay I completely understand the big pool of confusion you're in right now because I've been in that every day since I met my SO. We've never been official so I am in that constant state of 'what does this mean, what do I need to do' when he isolates I am actually ok with it because I do know that it's nothing to do with me, yet when our communication lessens and there isn't a sign of isolation that's when I go into overdrive.

Caught up between doing me and focusing on me to worrying about what this is and whether I am wasting my time and whether I am doing the best for him and me. Sometimes I really need to do a serious serious rain check and give myself a kick up the backside. It's shit because no one has the answers for you, you just need to see how it plays out.

Have you given a date as to when you will both communicate again etc.? Like have you said we will have a chat in a week or so when we've both had some space? Might help to write down what you feel like you might want to say, make a list of things that you think he needs to work on and what you need to work on maybe?

I can't say that after a break all will be rosy, relationships are bloody complex without PTSD so throw that in the mix and we really do need to work our socks off to manage it from both sides.

Hugs to you :hug:

 

[Hojay]

We've never been official so I am in that constant state of 'what does this mean, what do I need to do' when he isolates I am actually ok with it because I do know that it's nothing to do with me,

Oh my, yes, it must be especially hard when not official. It makes me think that part of the anxiety stems from a confusion about the level of commitment from the other side. I was recently talking to my mother about the situation and she rightfully pointed out that I do not feel 100% safe with him. Meaning, the ups and downs and maybe even breaks are manageable when both are clear and safe that the relationship stands. Even though my SO verbally assures me that he wants this, his actions and reactions often say otherwise. Since that started happening, I've been a bit off my rocker. And it makes it very hard to say "this has nothing to do with me. This is just PTSD."

Caught up between doing me and focusing on me to worrying about what this is and whether I am wasting my time and whether I am doing the best for him and me.

Yes, this! It's hard to land on a constructive line of thought or emotion in this back and forth...

Have you given a date as to when you will both communicate again etc.?

Yes, we have the exact date set in about a week's time. That makes the situation a bit more contained. I like what you propose, writing things down to gain some clarity. What's been stopping me to go into what I need, he needs, etc. is that I'm quite afraid at this point I'll be doing all this work and thinking and growing only to have him call it off when we speak. I'd feel like an utter idiot for having held on to some hope. So that's where I go back and forth...write down what constructively needs to be done between us, or work on distancing myself emotionally? I wish I wasn't making myself so dependent on what he wants. Gah....

 

[Newtoptsd]

I know I can imagine, I go off my rocker quite frequently but I am a silent sufferer so to speak. I don't verbalize my thoughts, I rather rant on here and give myself some time to calm down before I react. I'm the opposite in the sense that my sufferer doesn't verbally tell me he wants to be with me but his actions sometimes tell me otherwise, we are in contact a fair bit, speak on the phone most days and he does little things which makes me know he genuinely does care for me he is just not capable of having a relationship right now.

I'm making a presumption but I feel a lot of sufferers get stuck in wanting something but knowing they are not in the right place to have it. I know my SO wants the whole marriage and kids scenario but he has trouble believing he is capable when he's not doing well. It might be that your SO wants to be with you and has the desire to but he just isn't capable, this is where it's hard for you because you've already been committed so giving him space to work on him just causes anxiety for you.

It's a really difficult thing to do but sometimes I do think that if you care and love for someone enough you let them heal and give them the space they need to work on them without knowing the outcome. If the outcome is that they don't want to be with you then you can take comfort in the fact you did the best thing for them and you're a wonderful person for doing so - even if it does sting like shit.

One piece of advice I will give is to make sure you don't bypass ALL your needs to satisfy theirs. There needs to be a fair amount of compromise on both parts to make it work, relationships don't work out if it's all take from one side and all give on the other. Highlight the things you aren't willing to budge on and make sure there are some things that can be flexible.

:)

 

[Hojay]

I'm making a presumption but I feel a lot of sufferers get stuck in wanting something but knowing they are not in the right place to have it.

Sadly, yes. Very much so. I think in my case we are both a bit in denial about this. We both want this so much, we fudge over the fact that maybe, just maybe he's just not capable. But we're both not willing to give up (I mean, I hope he isn't) so there's something to be said for that.

It might be that your SO wants to be with you and has the desire to but he just isn't capable, this is where it's hard for you because you've already been committed so giving him space to work on him just causes anxiety for you.

Yes, well, what's hard and stokes the anxiety is that he's alluded to the fact that maybe we shouldn't/can't be together. That put a spin on our problems I find hard to stomach. I'm starting to think that that's a bit of a boundary for me. You just don't get to muse out loud about whether or not we should be together - either you're in, or you're out, no "maybe, we'll see." It's just too hard to know how to position yourself when commitment is up in the air among all the flying bits of PTSD.

One piece of advice I will give is to make sure you don't bypass ALL your needs to satisfy theirs.

That's been a bit of an issue in my case :) In that I am so rigorous in asserting my needs, I tend to steamroll over the fact that he maybe just needs space. It's a whole complicated mess, wherein I'm trying to set boundaries while he just "doesn't want to hear it." While in it, I think it's unacceptable. With a bit of distance, I think I may be capable of just leaving the conversation with some trust he'll come around. Ugh...

 

[TheMinsterman]

Hojay... let me ask you something.

What do you want? That probably seems a strange answer, but it is a really important one. Do you really want a relationship with this person or do you want a relationship with the person you fell in love with? Again that may seem really strange, but again it is important.

One thing I have found is, we keep jumping through hoops, doing everything we can, clinging onto all hope and praying to whatever we believe in that we can repair these things, that we can get back the person we love, because that is all we want, so much so I think we often overlook whether it's them, now, that we want, or them that we knew, that we want. The reason I am mentioning this is because you're clearly very much praying things can work out, and blaming yourself etc, but you need to use this break to focus on you.

Ask yourself if you want to be with him if he carries on the way he has been, ask yourself what YOU want, not him, not what you can do to please him, not how to apologise for "what you've done", but what it is YOU want.

I know the last thing we all want is for these relationships to end, but I think we let it cloud our judgement often. I don't want to be with my ex any more, not as she is now, I deserve better than that and I know I do. I deserve better than how she has treated me, unless she changes and works on the issues I have with her, it's over and I know it is. Don't lose sight of YOU, don't just bend over to win them back at your own expense.

 

[Hojay]

Yes, you're right @TheMinsterman, that's the very reason I called this break - because the way it has been is not the way I want it. I don't want him back at any cost. I want him back as the man I know he can be. If he's not that person, then so be it.

I do blame myself for some things, but I also think they are forgivable in the long run. I have thought about what I want too much, if you can believe it. I was in denial about some real limitations on his part and it's co created what is happening now. So as much as I have to think about what I want, I have to think about what he needs if I go into this relationship with open eyes. My heart just breaks to think that he could give up. It would be a real shame.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, you're right @TheMinsterman, that's the very reason I called this break - because...

I understand that @Hojay, I'm the same, I am so sad that my ex has changed so radically into somebody I can barely recognise, it pains me she gave up on a love she held for over a decade seemingly so easily, that she prefers to just cut it all off and lock it away and forget about us. It is indeed a shame.

But it is THEIR shame, they chose this, maybe PTSD influenced it but if they're not in a position to embrace somebody in their life who wants to understand, who cares etc, that is THEIR loss. You can't force them to be ready and you deserve to be with somebody who is ready to appreciate you.

I do truly hope he comes around for you, honestly, don't take this as a wholly negative post, I just want you to make sure you also focus on you.

 

[grimalkin]

I know the last thing we all want is for these relationships to end, but I think we let it cloud our judgement often. I don't want to be with my ex any more, not as she is now, I deserve better than that and I know I do. I deserve better than how she has treated me, unless she changes and works on the issues I have with her, it's over and I know it is. Don't lose sight of YOU, don't just bend over to win them back at your own expense.

I had come to a pretty big realization when out to lunch with coworkers, regarding how my relationship was with my husband. One of them was talking about how he and his wife are working on fixing up their house (it's been an almost year-long process), and how they're in the home stretch, and she's trying to figure out what colors she wants to paint the kitchen and dining room. There are apparently blocks of potential colors painted on the walls, a few samples of tiles and accessories here and there...and he was not only ok with all this chaos and disorder, and having her pick out the colors and decor, but was just waiting for her to make up her mind, so he can help her paint. And he was so...content and happy with this.

And I realized...I would NEVER have that with my husband - we would never be able to buy a house together, much less fix it up, because we would never be able to figure out something that would work - I would be able to live with whatever was acceptable to him, just because I would have to be. And then, there would be no way I could pick paint colors out myself, even though I would absolutely take his tastes into consideration (because duh, it's his house too). It was such a "Holy crap" moment for me, realizing he's just not a person with whom I would be trusted with decisions like that.

He has frequently been at a point where any compromise on his part was seen as my having to have my way 100%, and he resented me for it; never mind that whatever we would ultimately do, not just for household stuff but even meals, weekend trips, and pretty much anything else that involved both of us, was already generally so far from what I would pick or do if left to my own devices, it didn't matter. As long as it was livable for me, I could deal. He COULD compromise - he proved that as well, and if he could get past the loss of control the compromise symbolized for him (I'm kind of assuming that's part of the issue), he actually LIKES the results.

Anyway, my point being, that conversation with my coworker made me realize what I've given up, and how far I'd gone from what I wanted or needed in a relationship; and, just how far away our relationship was from any sense of mutual compromise or trust. And it came rushing back how many times in our relationship I had to remind him that this is my house too, and I am an active part of this relationship, and I already come from a place of compromise because that's what couples do.

Yes, you're right @TheMinsterman, that's the very reason I called this break - because the way it has been is not the way I want it. I don't want him back at any cost. I want him back as the man I know he can be. If he's not that person, then so be it.

It's so frustrating to see them CHOOSE to be that "other person." Yes, it's all them, but dammit, we see what it's like when they're in a more healthy frame of mind, and to see them turn away from that...it hurts. Especially when it's turning away from us, as well. But, ultimately, I am beginning to realize that if he BELIEVES he is that way - someone who has to have control and be an angry loner, then, well, maybe he is. Never mind that when he's not in a PTSD spiral, he's not an angry loner, either. And, really, I gave up too many of my own needs and wants, even when he wasn't in a spiral.

And the real mind f*ck is when they DO show how much they still care. So what do you do - keep bending over backwards to make it work, while it's all about how WE have to tiptoe around their PTSD, and they get to ignore our own needs and wants, until THEY decide we deserve better, but they can't be it (after they've shown they can)? Or do we insist that they can, we want them, and they need to figure out their shit too (with the very real risk they'll say "Nope. Too hard.")?

Gah, sorry, this has been a very bitter day for me, while I've been thinking about these very things. Maybe in 6 months, it will be a happy story?

 

[TheMinsterman]

Spot on @grimalkin, you absolutely have to consider what life with them will be like. This whole episode with my ex really opened my eyes, she's had ptsd for many years but never ever did her faith and love waver and disappear, she never doubted it once. Now she's like half the person I knew with the affection gutted out of her, maybe it is still there but her behaviour has really opened my eyes.

I'm not willing to be with somebody who so willingly goes off with somebody else who openly has feelings for them, it's irrelevant whether they have done anything, it's the fact she did it whilst we were having problems, it shows she is selfish and only considered her desire for a friend. I'm not willing to live in constant fear of being ditched for months either, there's having problems and then there's all this, perhaps to some that sounds unfair but I've known her during her previous episodes and her behaviour wasn't anything like this, I could deal with the past behaviours, this newer stuff?

Not so much.

I still love her, but I don't respect her like I used to, I don't trust her either, life wouldn't be something that made me happy if I stayed with her, she may have initiated the breaking apart but I am rapidly deciding that if this is the life she would be offering I have absolutely no interest in it should she be open to repairing things, hence I no longer sweat over whether she has feelings for me, because it is irrelevant if there aren't serious changes or commitments to change.

Supporters all too often accept second best for the illusion of the life they were previously sold by their partner before the episodes. We sell ourselves short because we think a little bit of pain in exchange for the old them is worth it, but we are not getting the old them back.

Even if my ex went back to how she was tomorrow, the fact is this has happened now. I can't look at her the same, she has gone from the woman who never abandoned me or betrayed me to somebody who dropped me like she was tossing a tissue in the bin and went off with somebody else with no regard for how it'd make me feel. She has baggage now she never had before and I'm it willing to be a pack mule for the rest of my life, that isn't what I want and it isn't what will make me happy.

It's tremendously sad, I regret the fact it has come to the point where I don't really feel the same anymore, no longer care if we speak and simply find myself honestly disliking things about her more and more.

Too often we use ptsd to justify their behaviour to ourselves and buy them some more time in our hopes and affections, and we shouldn't, it's a context but it isn't a get out of jail free card. Repeated hurtful behavour is hurtful regardless of ptsd, we only allow it and excuse it because it provides us a justification and an excuse to keep on hoping things may get better.

Eventually you realise they won't or they actually do change and you can work on it, there isn't a middle ground.

I'm reaching the former, I realise she isn't who I thought she was, that is sad but it is necessary for me to appreciate that and truly consider if I would want to have a future with that, and I just simply don't.

That's a question to ask yourself @Hojay, do you want a life with this person as they are now?