JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
I did really well for a month or so after coming out of a partial hospitalization program. In the last month, there have been lots of ups and downs.
I feel like just when I think things are starting to get a little better, then- WHAM! something comes along and knocks it all away.
Today I have felt uncontrollable anger. I just want to rage at the world. I did or a part of me did, I don't really know today, rage at my children a little. Then I commenced into screaming into my comforter how much I hate life.
I don't know all of my trauma memories, but there's one in particular that has kept coming up lately. And so I've done some poking around in my family, asking questions. And it seems that the answer my mom and my brother gave were so similar that it was something their minds had consciously or unconsciously rehearsed together. And I am no closer to answers and that frustrates me.
I can't stand to be around my family a lot of the time because I just want to be alone. Most of the time my husband understands that. I have been working on trying to communicate PTSD to my almost 6 year old as well as dig into memories of a possible traumatic memory of his own. He doesn't really remember it and when we talk about it, it doesn't seem to bother him, so I think he is okay for now. My children trigger me a lot of the time. My therapist thinks that a lot has to do with them bringing up trauma memories because they are the ages when traumas happened to me.
School is usually my safe haven, but it is parent-teacher conference time. And after sending home report cards, I got three very angry, very accusatory e-mails (and no I am not mis-reading their tone, it was very direct). It sent me into a complete downward spiral that I knew I couldn't afford to go into. Thankfully, the local crisis support, my principal, and my own "wise mind" helped me from completing that downward spiral. And the first of the three hard conferences went well. Yet, I still feel like I have done something wrong, even though I didn't in the eyes of anyone other than these parents.
One of my parts (I have dissociative identity disorder- DID, for those that don't know), asked my therapist- why can't we ever get a break from being bullied or from trauma? And I suppose we get little breaks, but right now I feel hopeless and angry. So any reassurance that people can give me that it will get better than it is right now, will help. Please tell me that there is hope that I won't always be triggered by my kids and that I won't always feel like I should disappear when someone accuses me of doing something wrong and just that I won't feel this bad forever. I know it takes time to work through trauma and I know it's hard work, I just need some hope that it can and will get a little easier.
I feel like just when I think things are starting to get a little better, then- WHAM! something comes along and knocks it all away.
Today I have felt uncontrollable anger. I just want to rage at the world. I did or a part of me did, I don't really know today, rage at my children a little. Then I commenced into screaming into my comforter how much I hate life.
I don't know all of my trauma memories, but there's one in particular that has kept coming up lately. And so I've done some poking around in my family, asking questions. And it seems that the answer my mom and my brother gave were so similar that it was something their minds had consciously or unconsciously rehearsed together. And I am no closer to answers and that frustrates me.
I can't stand to be around my family a lot of the time because I just want to be alone. Most of the time my husband understands that. I have been working on trying to communicate PTSD to my almost 6 year old as well as dig into memories of a possible traumatic memory of his own. He doesn't really remember it and when we talk about it, it doesn't seem to bother him, so I think he is okay for now. My children trigger me a lot of the time. My therapist thinks that a lot has to do with them bringing up trauma memories because they are the ages when traumas happened to me.
School is usually my safe haven, but it is parent-teacher conference time. And after sending home report cards, I got three very angry, very accusatory e-mails (and no I am not mis-reading their tone, it was very direct). It sent me into a complete downward spiral that I knew I couldn't afford to go into. Thankfully, the local crisis support, my principal, and my own "wise mind" helped me from completing that downward spiral. And the first of the three hard conferences went well. Yet, I still feel like I have done something wrong, even though I didn't in the eyes of anyone other than these parents.
One of my parts (I have dissociative identity disorder- DID, for those that don't know), asked my therapist- why can't we ever get a break from being bullied or from trauma? And I suppose we get little breaks, but right now I feel hopeless and angry. So any reassurance that people can give me that it will get better than it is right now, will help. Please tell me that there is hope that I won't always be triggered by my kids and that I won't always feel like I should disappear when someone accuses me of doing something wrong and just that I won't feel this bad forever. I know it takes time to work through trauma and I know it's hard work, I just need some hope that it can and will get a little easier.
