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It Is None Of Your F*cking Business

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I'm fully aware that the op is temporarily banned. I didn't think it was my business announcing that to everyone. Do you?

Uhm, well you made comments which blame everyone else for scaring the OP away, so no, you do not appear to be "fully aware" that the OP is temp banned. Why blame everyone else and jump to conclusions when he's not physically able to come back and post?

And why the big secret over someone being temp banned? OOHHHH gotta keep it quiet! Why? Uhm, its very clear on his profile that he's temp banned. You're the one applying value judgment to the temp banning. I'm merely stating a fact. Might wanna work on that CBT skill, eh? The one where you accept things as fact without applying judgment.

From which threads do you get the idea that this fellow 'won't back down' or is condescending to others? From just this post and comments? If you gather that from just this post and comments on this post, I very much disagree.

Go look at his two closed threads in the help forum. His words come across as very condescending, and I'm not the only member who thinks so. I can spot narcissistic behavior from 5 miles off. Dog with a bone, can't let things go, puts others down, including the owner of this very forum. Those threads will indeed point to why he was banned.

Disagree with me, IDC.

I was surprised at the judgement in your post

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......funny, thousands of posts and this is the first time you've ever read a reply of mine. *puzzled*
Funny how Alby "likes" anyone who disagrees with me! LMAO.
I know you are right. I have forgiven her to the best of my ability. I suspect she suffered from a ton...
I spent a decade trying to get a "real appology" from my mother.. not seeing her for years at a time, attepmting to challenge her view of the past (unsuccessfully). I know now she hasn't got the personality formed enough to know what my core existence even means. I am an accessory in her play and she lov es me sort of in her own way (sort of?). unfortunately I must build myself up and find a way of actually wanting to connect with the world for myself... something I am not achieving presently but trying yo establish. I once was "successful" but my puzzle no longer fits and I am now trying to figure out my life for myself... not easy... the future is really unknown now.
You say that my mom did apologize in her own way and that wasn't good enough for me and that I backed he...
I am glad you are there for yourself in tthis argument. you deserved to be protected. the rage is understandable and its a process to work through... not sure if mine will ever comletely go. "forgiveness" in these situations is not black and white, and its not actuallly the issue.. the issue is how can I feel real enough to validate myself and recover, and love my self 9in turn understanding where others fir into my lfe (i.e parents). because the ship already sailed on the crazy front with the abuse from both your parents... both the fatherand the guns and the mother's denial system and not protecting you, i get it! and I understand the broken puzzle that we try and make out of fragments of an explosive abusive set of events, where we weren't being considered at all. It wasnt about us, and no matter how much we try and clevery narrate a "forgivness" script it doesn't fix things. I have gone from "complete forgivness (25 years ago) after a short stint in therapy hearing forgiveness was the key, to years of rage therapy, to f*ck it... focus on being successful and "sucess is the best revenge".... to now realising its about my own damn puzzle of life and how I am going to narrate a beautiful life for myself where I want to participate and be involved again.
I feel you have no place to judge how betrayed someone might feel when they have not been protected against their life being threatened.

First off... I wasn't judging, least of all judging whether or not someone feels or is/was betrayed.

The questions I was asking also weren't a device. They were honest questions based off of what the OP had written, especially with the night & day switch that happened from viewing her as his protector & all things good & co-victim, to vilifying her after he forgave his father for the abuse, and further lashing out at her/being hurt by her telling him that her trauma wasn't his business.

- It's incredibly common for victims of child abuse to lash out at the safe people in their lives... Pure and simple: they know they won't be hurt by them, so it's safe to be angry at them... And there's a hell of a lot of totally justifiable anger! It just gets misdirected. Same token, to do everything they can to win the affection of their abuser.

- It's also incredibly common for black and white thinking to mean that there has to be an evil person & a hero / good guy & bad guy. The shades of grey; that bad people often do good things, and good people can also do bad things? Can be an incredibly difficult concept.

- Lastly it's incredibly common to avoid all reminders of trauma. That's even in the symptom list for PTSD. It's one reason why co-victims, with no ill feeling towards each other whatsoever, often try to stay on the opposite sides of the planet from each other. Their very existence is a true trigger... Since they were there during the trauma.

You add those three things together? That his mother is safe to be angry at, and that he'd forgiven his abuser? Just those two things alone means 1 will get you 50 that she's going to be wearing a black hat / is now going to be the villain regardless of her actual role. As a living, breathing reminder that the man he'd forgiven had done terrible things to the two of them? <low whistle> Talk about cognitive dissonance if she's now the evil one. The miracle would be if they did have a great relationship, instead of a tumultuous one at best.

* * *

And all of that ? Still not judging. Not because I have a problem with judgement, I evaluate, assess, and come to conclusions about things all the time. Black & white thinking, avoidance, & misdirected anger, on the other hand? It's just what happens for many if not most people. There's simply not enough information to come to a conclusion, here.

What I *don't* know, which is why I asked those questions, is how much the OP has evaluated how much of that (b/w thinking, avoidance, misplaced anger) is involved in his seemingly sudden change of heart about his mother's role (for all but the first question - see below). He may very well have logically worked through everything and come to the conclusion that his mother was not a co-victim doing her best, but a co-abuser doing her worst. Or he may have never looked at things that way. Or somewhere in between. I don't "know" him even on this forum, and I certainly don't know either of them IRL. For all I know she's an evil bitch that he's just getting around to realizing it, and kudos for tellin her off and cutting her out. Equally possible is that she's an amazing person, with battered wife syndrome or PTSD or, or, or... Who did everything in her power to protect him then, and is still trying to protect him now. Shrug. No idea. Which, again, is why I asked.

* * *

My first question, asking if he's considered that the intimate details of ANY of our traumas are no one else's business but our own? Is something we tend to be very aware of as sufferers. Our jobs, friends, family, no one has a right to that information. If we share it with someone? That's our decision, and ours alone. Even our counselors & therapists don't have a "right" to that information. We choose to share it.

From a supporter's point of view? It can be maddening. Even when they're fully aware of the boundaries involved. Their loved one is hurting, but also withholding what is hurting them, even to the point of isolating and / or lashing out without any kind of explanation. It's super common here for withholding information to *either* be because they don't view that person as a safe person to tell, or because they're trying to protect them. Or both.

From family perspective? (Completely nixing whether or not they are a supporter in the person's life, or not). Children/Parents often fall into the trap of thinking they own the other person in some way... That they have a "right" to anything they want to know by virtue of "This my mother, I have a right to know!" Or "This is my child, I have a right to know!"

Legally, my son is still a minor, so by letter of the law, I do actually have that right. Prudence dictates I cultivate a relationship where he actually *wants* to share his life with me, instead of depending on my so-called rights. Because that right? A) it's a paper tiger, and B ) it goes away, anyway. None of us have a "right" to anyone else's thoughts. If I want those thoughts shared with me? I have to facilitate a relationship that allows for that.

The OP doesn't have that relationship with his estranged mother, to begin with, and nail in that particular coffin is that none of us are obligated to share these things... Even with the people who love us. Much less the people who are furious with us.
First off... I wasn't judging, least of all judging whether or not someone feels or is/was betrayed....
wow good response. I think he's ok to feel his feelings which include rage towards her. I do not believe he has a right to act out on it or take her happiness in life away, but I understand his rage. I like him had a psycopathic father, and I once thought I had "forgiven" him as it was all just too much to deal with. But I am still left with many feelings of unresolved rage towards him. To be honest I just can't see "forgiveness" playing a role in my life where it comes to my father, I am on the other side of the planet and that's safe for me. I have informed the police, but I do not have it in me to go through the courts system and I am dealing with my own issues around it all.
thousands of posts and this is the first time you've ever read a reply of mine. *puzzled*

You know that isn't true [although it is one of the first ones I'm reading with your username change. I would also note that I read a lot of posts while not logged in, so I read a lot of people's posts but I'm not responding or hitting the like button]. I've responded to some of your threads, I follow you, and I speak with you in Chat.

To clarify, my surprise was because you've been temp banned before, but came back, and I've noticed a great deal of progress with you since I joined the forums [you've worked hard at healing and often write honest threads, where you figure things out, just to clarify that too]. I do see your point of view, deciding what kind of person you think someone is based upon a few threads Sol, but I don't have the same opinion.

I apologise if I have missed replies of yours before, it wouldn't have been intentional.
deciding what kind of person you think someone is based upon a few threads

And TBH, people judge you with every post you make........this guy makes posts a certain way now, he'll be paying for it the entire time he's here......simply because nobody here actually lets you move past posts you've made in the past while triggered. (Personal experience.) For as much as everyone spouts about forgiveness, nobody here even begins to start practicing it. Its a bit hypocritical IMHO.
Well I can tell you that I definitely no longer read your posts and certainly will not respond to any comments.
I haven't been using chat much either @itsKismet

I have no members on ignore. I can't recall thinking anyone on here needs forgiveness, even when I've been pissed off at something they have said. You get over it. Holding a grudge or focusing solely on "oh that one time that person said this so I still think they're an asshole" would be a waste of my memory and energy. If others do that, it's their choice. I'm a little sad to think people wouldn't understand a post coming from a triggered place, which is why I appreciate having a temp ban rule and good staff.

I know that when I was first here some of my posts were unreadable, some of them came from a rescuer/wanting to be rescued place, some were so dissociated and confused, but over time I've improved and I'm grateful members here were patient with me. Even if they were silently judging *shrugs*.

Some people aren't as empathetic as others I guess.

I'm a bit off topic on this thread.
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