I feel you have no place to judge how betrayed someone might feel when they have not been protected against their life being threatened.
First off... I wasn't judging, least of all judging whether or not someone feels or is/was betrayed.
The questions I was asking also weren't a device. They were honest questions based off of what the OP had written, especially with the night & day switch that happened from viewing her
as his protector & all things good & co-victim, to vilifying her after he forgave his father for the abuse, and further lashing out at her/being hurt by her telling him that her trauma wasn't his business.
- It's incredibly common for victims of child abuse to lash out at the
safe people in their lives... Pure and simple: they know they won't be hurt by them, so it's safe to be angry at them... And there's a hell of a lot of totally justifiable anger! It just gets misdirected. Same token, to do everything they can to win the affection of their abuser.
- It's also incredibly common for black and white thinking to mean that there has to be an evil person & a hero / good guy & bad guy. The shades of grey; that bad people often do good things, and good people can also do bad things? Can be an incredibly
difficult concept.
- Lastly it's incredibly common to avoid all reminders of trauma. That's even in the symptom list for PTSD. It's one reason why co-victims, with no ill feeling towards each other whatsoever, often try to stay on the opposite sides of the planet from each other. Their very existence is a true trigger... Since they were there during the trauma.
You add those three things together? That his mother is safe to be angry at, and that he'd forgiven his abuser? Just those two things alone means 1 will get you 50 that she's going to be wearing a black hat / is now going to be the villain regardless of her actual role. As a living, breathing reminder that the man he'd forgiven had done terrible things to the two of them? <low whistle> Talk about cognitive dissonance if she's now the evil one. The miracle would be if they did have a great relationship, instead of a tumultuous one at best.
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And
all of that ? Still not judging. Not because I have a problem with judgement, I evaluate, assess, and come to conclusions about things all the time. Black & white thinking, avoidance, & misdirected anger, on the other hand? It's just what happens for many if not most people. There's simply not enough information to come to a conclusion, here.
What I *don't* know, which is why I asked those questions, is how much the OP has evaluated how much of that (b/w thinking, avoidance, misplaced anger) is involved in his seemingly sudden change of heart about his mother's role (for all but the first question - see below). He may very well have logically worked through everything and come to the conclusion that his mother was not a co-victim doing her best, but a co-abuser doing her worst. Or he may have never looked at things that way. Or somewhere in between. I don't "know" him even on this forum, and I certainly don't know either of them IRL. For all I know she's an evil bitch that he's just getting around to realizing it, and kudos for tellin her off and cutting her out. Equally possible is that she's an amazing person, with battered wife syndrome or PTSD or, or, or... Who did everything in her power to protect him then, and is still trying to protect him now. Shrug. No idea. Which, again, is why I asked.
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My first question, asking if he's considered that the intimate details of ANY of our traumas are no one else's business but our own? Is something we tend to be very aware of as sufferers. Our jobs, friends, family,
no one has a right to that information. If we share it with someone? That's our decision, and ours alone. Even our counselors & therapists don't have a "right" to that information. We choose to share it.
From a supporter's point of view? It can be maddening. Even when they're fully aware of the boundaries involved. Their loved one is hurting, but also withholding what is hurting them, even to the point of isolating and / or lashing out without any kind of explanation. It's super common here for withholding information to *either* be because they don't view that person as a safe person to tell, or because they're trying to protect them. Or both.
From family perspective? (Completely nixing whether or not they are a supporter in the person's life, or not). Children/Parents often fall into the trap of thinking they own the other person in some way... That they have a "right" to anything they want to know by virtue of "This my mother, I have a right to know!" Or "This is my child, I have a right to know!"
Legally, my son is still a minor, so by letter of the law, I do actually have that right. Prudence dictates I cultivate a relationship where he actually *wants* to share his life with me, instead of depending on my so-called rights. Because that right? A) it's a paper tiger, and B ) it goes away, anyway. None of us have a "right" to anyone else's thoughts. If I want those thoughts shared with me? I have to facilitate a relationship that allows for that.
The OP doesn't have that relationship with his estranged mother, to begin with, and nail in that particular coffin is that none of us are obligated to share these things... Even with the people who love us. Much less the people who are furious with us.
