Its All About Choices

[intothelight]

I've been thinking about starting this thread for a long time, but was uncertain as how to word it. The most important thing to keep in mind as you read this thread, is that "choices" is plural and it isn't just one "choice" that leads to recovery, but a series that can make things better. There are those members who believe that based upon their own mental state at this point in time that they have no choice. Depression can do that and I understand as I have been there myself. Actually, at that point other people made my choices for me and had me involuntarily committed, but at some point I recovered enough to start making my own choices and to act upon them. So unless you are totally shut down, inaction is also a choice.

After a few years of being on the forum, I have seen a lot of people get better and there are a few things that they all had in common. Honestly, take a look at members here and you will those that are making progress or those that have a sustained recovery have mastered or at least made significant progress in these areas. Not all areas apply to everyone, as not everyone has the same struggles, but each seems to be necessary to achieve the best level of recovery.

1) Seek treatment for severe psychological disorders that impede basic daily functioning (eg. severe depression, agoraphobia, etc.)
2. Seek treatment for addictions/substance abuse as these will impede recovery.
3. Address physical issues and get those managed as pain can wear a person down mentally and not feeling well only seems to exacerbate symptoms.
4. Follow a balanced diet, hydrate, exercise and get enough sleep.
5. Reduce stress and learn the tools necessary to manage symptoms.
6. Process the trauma
7. Learn about yourself and find what works for you to keep you stable and living your life to the fullest.

Some of these things are best done before others and would not recommend that anyone work on processing trauma until they have the ability to stabilize themselves, as it does get worse before it gets better. Others can be done together and each little step is a step forward to recovery. Some people can eliminate symptoms entirely and others reduce them substantially. There is no guarantee that PTSD will never rear its ugly head, but once these changes are made and skills mastered, it is easier to navigate the flair ups.

I don't doubt that anyone here doesn't want to get better, and for each person it is on their own time table as we are all individuals. However, no one can make you better or do the work and it is up to the individual to make what progress they can. This site is as useful as you make it as you can find support, encouragement, ideas, information etc., but this site can also hold you back by using it to validate poor choices, wallowing in pity, or allowing sympathy to reinforce the negatives. Like anything else, it is what you make of it.

I am sure at this point I have made someone angry, hurt, or discouraged and that is not my intent. What I would like to see happen in this thread is an honest discussion of stumbling blocks and how to navigate them. Other ideas that can be thrown into the list. Break the list down and discuss components or add specifics that someone may find helpful.

One of the first steps to recovery is being honest with yourself and making the assessment of where you are and where you want to be. No one will dispute the fact that many of us are not responsible for our trauma(s) or had any choice in getting PTSD, but we are responsible about the choices we make for ourselves in the recovery process. Taking control and ownership of your recovery is really the first step.

 

[soulsearcher]

@intothelight I think this is a great thread! I, myself, struggle with my choices but my end goal is to not let the PTSD consume my life. One thing I do struggle with is when I slip or make a not wise choice, is not to beat myself up for it and listen to those not nice inner voices. Thank you for starting this thread I look forward to reading any more responses!

 

[Intrepid]

I know how frustrating it is to watch people spin through the same symptoms over and over again. It was uber frustrating to watch myself do that.

I've been actively trying to deal with PTSD for 25 years. Until the last 4 yeas I had short periods where dealing was a do or die proposition. Forced that way, I did survive and move forward.

In the worst of the PTSD I wished that I could just move past all the fear, pain, doubt, flashbacks, and crazy behavior, and get right to the 1,2,3's of the matter. I often thought it was a choice, and I was just failing to make that choice.

It took some extraordinary circumstances, way outside of my control, to start recovery.

Over the last 4 years I've found continued progress in recovery. Does that mean I had a choice before that, and I just didn't take it? I don't think so. My will, my ability to make choices, was crushed by the trauma. I have no doubts about that.

 

[joeylittle]

learn the tools necessary to manage symptoms

Part of addressing this (for myself) was actually learning how to name my symptoms. i think if I were to add another thing to your list it might be "Become educated about your diagnosis/es; learn which symptoms you have and become comfortable discussing them with your treatment providers." Something like that.

It was a huge stumbling block for me, not understanding things like there's a thing called suicidal ideation, and it's different from being suicidal; that what I called "really anxious" was actually a panic attack; that there were multiple causes of my depression (environmental, chemical, PTSD-related), and a bunch of other things.

I personally believe that it's a whole step unto itself - because if you aren't educated in the basics of your condition at a level that allows you to talk to your doctors and report accurately, you'll never be able to be participating in your own recovery; ultimately everyone's experience of these symptoms is different, and how we need to apply the tools to them is different.

 

[desiderata310]

Hmm.. for me there's a couple of things going on that I see as my stumbling blocks. I've overcome a few to be where I am today.
The biggest was that what I was experiencing was ... normal.. that is to say that it was something that everyone else experienced and I just needed to HTFU. Actually, I still think I need to HTFU. so.. yeah.. maybe that's a stumbling block

Stigma. The stigma associated with mental .. illness and the need for help with my mental heath. It's still a stumbling block because I beat myself up pretty much daily. I know I have become dependent on my therapist for a certain amount of stability.

Money and access to help. Need I say more?

Beyond that...

I am terrified of processing the trauma. I'll admit it! We jumped in with both feet before I was anything close to stable. I have been suicidal to SOME degree for years. (usually I hover around a 3-4 and when I get really bad I jump to 8-9 on a scale of 10) Trying to process trauma without anyway of dealing with the fall out left me hanging on by my finger nails. Now that I am back down to a 3 ... I am scared of stirring it back up. feeling that way is not pretty (duh, thanks, Captain Obvious!) and I KNOW the next time (if there is a next time) I am pushed to that point I won't call, give notice, or "try". I'll just follow through and succeed. Kind of a scary place to live knowing that you don't trust yourself.

I have very few tools at my disposal to deal with this. I have flashbacks. I dissociate. I honestly feel like I am flailing. I've felt that way for years.

hmmm.. I realize that I've spent the entire summer/fall getting to a place where I feel somewhat comfortable around my therapist and the best thing he did for me was to start bringing his dog to therapy. haha!

Now I can't get comfortable in the new office to save my life.(This week I couldn't even go IN the office, dog or no dog. I found myself frozen at the threshold of the outside door. I TRIED. I had pushed my bike in and then found myself backing away. After a very brief conversation with my therapist I managed to grab my bike and back out and RUN away) We have spent the last three months with me trying to get comfortable in the new place. After Friday I am DREADING my appointment on Tuesday.

All that said, Yes, I can see that this site COULD become a place to hamper mental health. And I have taken to taking breaks from it but I have found that when I get stuck in my head, I can vomit it all here and usually get feedback that goes beyond "oh you poor, poor thing." usually people offer a bit of compassion and then suggestions with what helped them get past something similar. Or if not, they can usually say something along the lines of, 'YUP, that sounds about right. You're right where I was about 2 years ago and BOY did THAT suck. Let me tell you!' And I can, on SOME level say.. yeah... ok.. I'm abnormally normal and I can press on with where I am.

How's that for a completely mixed bag of nuts?

 

[Little Flower]

What I have learned is I'm not responsible for other people's choices. A very difficult thing to get into my head because I'm a fixer. I tried to fix people into what I wanted them to be. It only hurt me
Now I am content to just try n control my reactions. I work very hard journaling. Reviewing. Making better habits. I work hard every day as a choice. Then there are the days my body n mind make the choices for me and I can only hang on for the ride. That's still a choice. I could let go and leave it all behind. But that only brings more sadness n I may have to "live" with the sadness in another realm I find that as an over 50 and long time sufferer I tend to try and mother younger people on the forum. Some are grateful. Others resentful. That's their choice. I can't quit being who I am and caring about fellow forumers Some times I try to give the small amount of wisdom I have. Other times they give back to me the feeling of being younger and have so much life ahead. Choices. It's a great topic. I'm glad you chose to bring it up

 

[intothelight]

Does that mean I had a choice before that, and I just didn't take it? I don't think so. My will, my ability to make choices, was crushed by the trauma. I have no doubts about that.

@Intrepid I believe there are many who find themselves in the same situation. If you are comfortable, would you expand on this a bit and what changed for you? Sometimes I have wondered if it is based on an individual's trauma response. I wonder what part fight, flight or freeze play into this.

I know that I am all fight in my response. It has caused a lot of problem left unchecked or unchanneled. Over time I've learned to tap into it and use it to direct myself forward. Prior to that it just left me spinning in circles basically fighting everyone and everything.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This is such a great topic to bring up. I especially had a inner light turn on when you mentioned making oneself stable no matter what is going on ow where I am at or even where I am going. I am so glad you brought this up. I expect to learn and grow so much now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I had to re-read this post a few times and I still don't think I fully grasp it but this is my take....

For me there never was a choice. That is, I never *felt* that I had a choice in that my main supporter always told me "you will get better". Yes, I can bitch, whine, moan, and complain with the best of them, but at the same time the end goal was always there....to become self-sufficient and "overcome" my PTSD to the point where I can manage symptoms (that is, when they don't "manage" me!) Am I saying this right? I mean I have times when I wallow in my own self-pity and I struggle with a LOT of self-hatred which can really drag me down at times, but I never actually felt like I had the choice of not getting better. I may feel like giving up at times, but I eventually am able to turn my mindset around and push forward.

I guess you could say its sort along the lines of "failure is not an option"....not that PTSD is "failure" but not working on getting better would be a failure in my eyes.

I see some of the people who hyper-focus and post about the same things over and over. I think I have a bit of compassion for them in that I know what that hell is like, to have those repetitive thoughts running through your head and not be able to let them go.

 

[Friday]

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

My biggest problem of the past few years has been too many choices. Do I stay here, go there, be homeless, accept this help, reject that help, kill this person, call that person, pay this bill, take that pill, apply to this school, leave that state, go after this job, head to that country, ride out this storm, take that exit, believe what I hear, deny what I fear...

Hundreds and hundreds of choices.

Most of which I don't like. Which makes the mess even more alluring. Ugh. And I don't have a lot of... Inhibitions... To begin with. So it's not like "Well that's illegal / uncomfortable / socially unacceptable / morally ambiguous" as an artificial safety net giving me an "out". Nope. Choosing to obey this law, or follow this social more, or whatever is a choice. Drove my counselor nuts, because he'd say "You've done all you can do." And nope. There would be 6 distinctly different things that I have chosen not to do. Therefore it's my fault.

Nothing is simple, clean, or easy.

What I crave, more even than being asymptomatic, is simple/ clean/ easy. Do this, get that. Snort. Not gonna happen. 1 step forward, 6 steps back, 1 step forward, 3 steps sideways. Oh. And beware the leopard. Please, someone stop the world, I want to get off.

I'm drowning in choices. And I'm rather uncomfortably certain that most of the choices I've made have been the wrong ones.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I had to myth bust... a lot. Things that on the face I'd accepted as fact that were perceptual. I also got burned enough to drop the "I'm special or I'm different" thinking and focused on the basic things that seemed to give some benefits to other people, people who were working to resolve their emotional and physical stuff. If I wanted what they had, I'd do what they did.

 

[intothelight]

I'm drowning in choices.

I get what you are saying, and this is more semantics, as I would refer to them as options to choose from. But regardless of how its worded it can be overwhelming and deciding which course of action to take is difficult. You're not alone in the bad choice category as I have made some really bad choices too and have to live with the consequences. I guess that is the part of the reason I started this thread was maybe to help reduce the stumbling around that so many have to experience. But then again, I think I learned more from my own failures at times than successes. Just depends.