Freida
VIP Member
well crap. I'm putting this in general because I cant figure out if it goes under anxiety, or military, or medical or current events or what.
Thought I made it thru veterans day ok and had a handle on it. Got up this morning and I can't stop shaking. Here's the short version....
While in the military I landed in a clinic at a remote base in Korea (for civilians - remote base means you are stuck in the middle of no where, military only, very basic equipment and living standards, family stays home so your support system is just the military peeps you work with)
Long story led me there and I should have been sent to an intensive care unit in Hawaii but, well, that didn't happen. This was my third round in the clinic sick bay in 3 months and by far the worst because the doctors were not equipped to deal with my situation and I was very close to dying. Obviously I survived but it wasn't pretty. I thought I had a handle on this but I guess denial doesn't count as a coping mechanism and now it's raising its ugly head again
so today I have.....
Today -- A horrible cold that makes it hard to breathe ---
Trigger from then: Drug interaction that burned my esophagus so I couldn't breath
Today - Anniversary reaction based around veterans day
Trigger from then - I'm going to die 8000 miles from home on veterans day and no one gives shit
Today - Korean war possibly on the horizon
Trigger from then - gas masks, flack jackets and running for cover because we were on the brink of war. ( we are always on the brink of war with North Korea - it just doesn't usually make the news)
Today - friends who want to be supportive but can't relate
Then - friends who want to be supportive but can't relate
today - fibro and ptsd -- y'know the stuff that's all in my head
Then - accused of refusing to get better when they couldn't get my fever down and my pain under control. Yep - welcome to military medicine - if they can't fix it they blame the patient. must be all in my head
Today - anxiety, agitation, have to run, promised hubby I wouldn't take off, not safe, can't figure out who to trust, no where is safe, shit!!!!!
Then -- no escape. pain.. pain..depression..pain... can't escape..days pass and I can't escape...more pain.....fear...dying AGAIN!! so tired of being hurt by the people who are supposed to help me...cant escape!!! (for civilians - you don't check yourself out of a military hospital. You are there until they release you)
Even as I'm writing all this down I'm spiraling. I know its just an anniversary reaction. I know I'm not really there. I know I survived and this is just a series of bad memories that are amping up into flashbacks. I know what the triggers are and why. I know I PROMISED hubby I won't take off when it gets like this. But ......
I'm walking dog. I'm meditating. I'm trying to remember it will pass. I go thru this every year - I make it thru every year. Breathe...breathe... And I can't stop shaking. And this is just the first of 3 that are coming in the next two months. F**K I hate this crap.
Thought I made it thru veterans day ok and had a handle on it. Got up this morning and I can't stop shaking. Here's the short version....
While in the military I landed in a clinic at a remote base in Korea (for civilians - remote base means you are stuck in the middle of no where, military only, very basic equipment and living standards, family stays home so your support system is just the military peeps you work with)
Long story led me there and I should have been sent to an intensive care unit in Hawaii but, well, that didn't happen. This was my third round in the clinic sick bay in 3 months and by far the worst because the doctors were not equipped to deal with my situation and I was very close to dying. Obviously I survived but it wasn't pretty. I thought I had a handle on this but I guess denial doesn't count as a coping mechanism and now it's raising its ugly head again
so today I have.....
Today -- A horrible cold that makes it hard to breathe ---
Trigger from then: Drug interaction that burned my esophagus so I couldn't breath
Today - Anniversary reaction based around veterans day
Trigger from then - I'm going to die 8000 miles from home on veterans day and no one gives shit
Today - Korean war possibly on the horizon
Trigger from then - gas masks, flack jackets and running for cover because we were on the brink of war. ( we are always on the brink of war with North Korea - it just doesn't usually make the news)
Today - friends who want to be supportive but can't relate
Then - friends who want to be supportive but can't relate
today - fibro and ptsd -- y'know the stuff that's all in my head
Then - accused of refusing to get better when they couldn't get my fever down and my pain under control. Yep - welcome to military medicine - if they can't fix it they blame the patient. must be all in my head
Today - anxiety, agitation, have to run, promised hubby I wouldn't take off, not safe, can't figure out who to trust, no where is safe, shit!!!!!
Then -- no escape. pain.. pain..depression..pain... can't escape..days pass and I can't escape...more pain.....fear...dying AGAIN!! so tired of being hurt by the people who are supposed to help me...cant escape!!! (for civilians - you don't check yourself out of a military hospital. You are there until they release you)
Even as I'm writing all this down I'm spiraling. I know its just an anniversary reaction. I know I'm not really there. I know I survived and this is just a series of bad memories that are amping up into flashbacks. I know what the triggers are and why. I know I PROMISED hubby I won't take off when it gets like this. But ......
I'm walking dog. I'm meditating. I'm trying to remember it will pass. I go thru this every year - I make it thru every year. Breathe...breathe... And I can't stop shaking. And this is just the first of 3 that are coming in the next two months. F**K I hate this crap.
