It's my last day before travel and I'm barely functioning...

[SeekingAfrica]

I was doing fine but I was talking to a friend and she mentioned the future in terms of maybe staying 6 months at my parents if needed and maybe working something in person ( Ina country I hate, where my childhood trauma happened, where I haven't worked in 15 years, and I haven't worked in person 8n 2 years, and I've been considering ending everything for a while....). She thought she was helping that we can do a call all few of us friends and discuss options, but when it's my bedtime, I still have 2 hours of cleaning and I can barely get through the day it's way too much to consider and now I'm bawling my eyes out comparing myself to people to whom that suggestion would sound amazing and thinking how screwed up I am to end up in that position...like I can barely get to the bus I can't think about all those other things right now.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I can barely get through the day it's way too much to consider and now I'm bawling my eyes out comparing myself to people to whom that suggestion would sound amazing and thinking how screwed up I am to end up in that position..

Woah, stop there, breathe a sec...

Today is not the day for future planning, of course it's overwhelming, you are doing so incredibly well with everything and you do not need to be thinking about anything else other than the current stuff. One step very much at a time here. Look at how far you've come with this process, you've got here not by thinking of the HUGE scary vastness of everything but by taking tiny chunks and doing it bit by bit.

Your friend sounds lovely and so wanting to help you, and that time will of course come and you'll get to that bit. But not today, today it's packing the boxes and focusing on the plan for the journey. Nothing else.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah, just ignore your friend right now...

No one understands what a total crisis/ meltdown is like until they've been in one themselves... All those well-intentioned "helpful" ideas and comments... are often just not what we need in a crisis.

Do what helps you *now* to get through *this* situation. The future will take care of itself, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time...

I was listening to a podcast about that British tech billionaire that drowned in a freak sailing accident near Sicily last week... And apparently he had a saying, when he was faced with adversity/ huge stressors/ a crisis... It was something like this: If you are on a path and there are five tigers on that path all wanting to eat you... Stop worrying about tiger number 2 and 3 and 4... You need to focus on tiger number 1... The first one coming your way... That's who you deal with... And when you have done that... Then you can turn to tiger number 2 and figure that out...

I liked that... Focus on Tiger Number One... It's a helpful reminder for me... Because my PTSD-brain doesn't just try to deal with all 5 tigers at once, but also all potential other tigers that *might* arise... Sigh... So yeah... Tiger Number One...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Actually something in that conversation about the future triggered a bad childhood flashback (something to untangle in the future) and I ended up texting gibberish to another friend like i was in a different place and throwing up my dinner .... by the time I was present and stopped hysterically crying, I was wiped.
So I'm in bed now hoping to finish everything tomorrow early and get on the bus.
It was a mess, don't even have energy to read responses from you guy, will do tomorrow, just so cute tiger emojis. Anyway, tomorrow will be a full day, but I have no more en3rgy to think now. It will what it will.

Till tomorrow.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Thinking of you.
Get on that bus, try and hear us when we tell you how absolutely fab you've done.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Doing the last cleaning and shower. I won't finish. Also I'm too anxious to wash my hair....

 

[Midnightmoon]

Doing the last cleaning and shower. I won't finish. Also I'm too anxious to wash my hair....

Don't worry about your hair, it doesn't matter, I promise. Have you got your stuff together? Make sure you leave it plenty of time to get the bus. Cleaning, if it's not done it's not done. Good enough is plenty good enough

 

[Ecdysis]

Yes! You can ride on a bus with unwashed hair!! Focus on the essential priorities!

 

[Ecdysis]

Are you on the bus now?

 

[abovedown]

I love this quote!

was listening to a podcast about that British tech billionaire that drowned in a freak sailing accident near Sicily last week... And apparently he had a saying, when he was faced with adversity/ huge stressors/ a crisis... It was something like this: If you are on a path and there are five tigers on that path all wanting to eat you... Stop worrying about tiger number 2 and 3 and 4... You need to focus on tiger number 1... The first one coming your way... That's who you deal with... And when you have done that... Then you can turn to tiger number 2 and figure that out

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Didn't have internet on the way. Lots to say, but I'm exhausted and no, I didn't wash my hair or finish cleaning more than surface level. I had an extra hour but I had exhausted myself mentally. And yes, traveling like that wasn't ideal but it was fine.
Lots to say but tomorrow. Everything hurts and I'm tired on every level....

BUT I am finally, safely home in bed and away from my landlord.
I mean, this is the start of the journey only, not the end, ....

But for everyone who commented and helped me get through cleaning and panic attacks and flashbacks- the bus ride was exhausting but okay and I am safely HOME.

Finally!

 

[Midnightmoon]

Massive well done, you did it.