General Its Nothing Personal

[Lola]

If he follows well....then that's another issue.

For me this is the new issue. I have tried to set boundaries, but they are as porous as the US/Mexican border. I have tried to walk away and he follows me. The only respite I get is when we don't talk at all - and I realize that this isn't the best solution either.

A situation happened about a week ago when I totally snapped and tears gushed from my eyes. He stopped attacking me, gave me a hug and left me alone. Since then I have trouble not taking things personally, since I've become uber-aware of every put-down, every criticism, every snapped reply, every name-calling, every f-word. I have become very uncomfortable, tense and anxious around him - just waiting for the next unkind word, which is a few times a day.

Any suggestions or insights?

 

[Cin]

Not taking it personally is one of the hardest things for me. Each time he has an episode it gets a little easier though. He doesn't get angry, he doesn't put me down, he just shuts down completely. Won't answer my calls, wont see me, wont reply to emails or text messages. It's just complete silence. The first time it happened, I was so sure I had done something wrong, there was no warning.. One day he was fine and fun and the next he had gone cold.

It's all just a big ball of head **** some times.

 

[Nat]

Some days it is hard to not take things so personally. Reading everyone's stories helps me to not take things so personally. When I see that other people are dealing with the same issues as me, I don't feel so alone. It helps to remind me that his behavior is symptoms of his illness and that it is nothing that I personally did.

 

[Ace Ventura]

Thanks for all the posts on this helpful thread. "Jekyll and Hyde" complex and baiting tendencies...all (unfortunately) familiar. I too have found that bringing my husband's attention to his behavior (as Nicolette mentioned) can be helpful, even if he isn't in a place mentally/emotionally to sort it all out at that time. Sometimes it seems that the idea (that his behavior is "off") rather "percolates" in his brain for a while, and later on (when things settle down), the comment seems to serve as a sort of chronological marker that helps him look back and see where and how things progressed for him through the "episode."

Seeing how powerfully PTSD can affect him, I am truly amazed at his self-awareness and ability to cope as well as he does. He still takes the time to thank me for validating him when I say so, even though it's hard for him to hear positive things about himself. Just speaking from the perspective of a non-PTSD sufferer, it seems that PTSD attacks the very mental and emotional resources that many of us draw upon when we are facing internal or external struggles. Metaphorically, PTSD seems to rob a person of the very weapons he or she would normally employ in "fighting" it.

Anyway, thanks again for the welcome observations and advice!

Ace

 

[Lucy Loo]

In a nutshell - I tell myself, its not about me. Whilst at the same time saying, I count too. Boils down to having self-esteem and not taking on anything that isn't mine. Simple, though not easy.
Jim.

Oh, I so like this "mantra". I've got to remember this for myself in the future.

 

[isrealsson01]

I can totally relate to all of these and this forum is helping me as we type! Tonight, my girlfriend texted me and greeted me with a smile saying hello and invited me to call her. I called her and 3 minutes into the conversation i couldnt hear her and she was getting frustrated and then when i could hear her, she stopped talking. She has been having an attack for a few days now and on the first day told me she dosnt love me and that she dosnt want to see me in a few weeks and then this morning, she was happy and told me she loved me and missed me. Tonight, when i got off the phone she wouldnt say I love you back. I then turned it into a phone problem and told her via text that im sorry i couldnt hear you, the phone was acting up. She then in return goes, "but i didnt say i love you". So i just said as nice as I could "well if you dont want to, you dont have to. If you dont want me to, I wont and If I happen to say it and you feel like responding, feel free." She didnt write back and I didnt want to annoy her so I just said Im going to bed please have a great day, Goodnight <3" No I love you nothing. She didnt write back but I feel I said the right stuff so well see how she feels tomorrow. Its tough because im an extremely romantic guy but I value our relationship and if this is what I have to do, so be it. Thats why I have you guys to cheer me up :)

 

[ISupportHer]

Great post. I swear I pick up some tidbit of information, advice I can take to the bank, almost every time I look at posts.

First, Isrealson01, Man, I am so much right there with you. I mean the wanting so much to express love and have it returned. I am in no position to give advice other than to say I really hope you search the posts. This is so much part of PTSD, as I am learning too. There is a thread started by Nicolette a week or more ago as a place where carers can say their "I Love Yous". I encourage you to do that if you feel it would help you.

Back on track:

At my house, there really is no fighting, no raised voices and saying things in anger. It comes out in the opposite way. Withdrawing and therefore little communication although a little better recently. I still kind of approach it like I do when someone snaps at me out in the community. I try to, first, hold my tongue for a moment, try to size up the person. Maybe they are in a stressful job, or whatever. Then I kind of think to myself "They're having a bad day, nothing personal, Let it go". Sometimes you have to pursue it if warranted, but I think you just have to pick your battles.

So as I read his thread and am already thinking that you (I) have to just let things go, I come across Nicolette's response and I see WOW, that's right too. That it could turn into enabling behavior. I think that there is a fine line. That there are times to not fall into the enabling but, of course, at least in my opinion, times you have to kind of push back. It's just that when you (I) fear further withdrawal, it results, ironically, in our withdrawal. Then you (I) can head toward codependency.

So, I have known all this at some level but again have felt this slight slap on the side of my head. "Snap out of it" :smile: And that is the lesson I feel I've learned here today. (Don't let it fall into enabling).

 

[sunshineball]

For me walking away is not really an option because when my BF is having an episode he would see that as my abandoning him or shutting him out which equates to him feeling fear or vulnerability which in turns sets him off more.

I am truly beginning to see that his thinking process is wired toward negativity and that I have to let that stuff go.. to a point. I beginning to be able to see that sometimes when he lashes out it's because he feels like I'm the only "safe" person he can do that with, but I have to learn where to draw the line.

I am sorry to say but IMHO I believe this is enabling behaviour. You should not feel responsible for his feelings (he owns them) and you have a right to protect yourself....and that includes removing yourself from an unhealthy situation to give him time to think. You are only walking out of the room. If he follows well....then that's another issue.

He only treats you how you allow him to. You are not his mother and it is not your role to make him feel safe or remove vulnerability. Sorry, harsh I know, but the sooner you understand this the sooner you can add a positive influence to the way he treats you.

Wow, that's a kind of a revelation to me, because I've always felt the same way as Shoka. That when I let him unload at least some of his frustration on me, it gives him some release. And there have been cases supporting this - after he lashed out on me, he calmed down and we could focus on whatever issue we were actually having at the time.

Also I feel that if I walk away / stop talking to him if it happens in an online conversation, he will feel abandoned. I'm not trying to contradict what you're saying Nicolette, because you're probably right, but this is why I'm afraid to do it.

 

[Nicolette]

You are welcome to your opinion Sunshineball. I would be interested to read what Shoka has to say now that she has had time and more experience under her belt.

 

[Shoka]

Walking Away To Protect Me

Sunshineball and Nicolette,

I wish I had learned in those early days to look at my bf and say "I understand you are having an issue, episode, trigger (whatever), but I won't be treated in this abusive manner, when you can talk to me without being abusive, I'm happy to listen." and then walked out. It really would have saved me alot of grief--- and RESENTMENT. I have ended up having to deal with some of my unresolved resentments because I felt like I "took his crap, was understanding etc." and then when he couldn't reciprocate the same understanding when I was having an issue, I resented it.

My boundaries have had to become alot stronger- and I STILL have a ways to go. But guess what..... It is a rare occasion now when my bf lashes out at me personally and or makes me the enemy because he is triggering. So something has worked for me.

 

[sunshineball]

Shoka,
I really appreciate you've shared your experience. I defintely know what you mean about the resentment, at times I really feel I'm slowly "burning out".

I have to start doing this, for the good of both of us. Your post reassures me that will likely work out better than just taking the abuse, thank you! It may be silly of me, but I was really reluctant, and it's really good to see an example where someone felt like me but decided to stop it and it turned out well.

 

[Nicolette]

it's really good to see an example where someone felt like me but decided to stop it and it turned out well.

Hi Sunshinebell. This is exactly why I asked Shoka to reply. I learned very quickly about boundaries as I had promised myself I would never let a man abuse me again. Shoka had the same response to my advice but now thinks differently.

If you allow someone to abuse you, thinking it is helping them, there will become a point where you resent them for your pain at their expense. Really it is warped thinking....to think that someone else is allowed to hurt you because they are ill. I hope you never think like that again.

To be honest, usually people's behaviours are reflected to them, so at a guess you would actually be scared of him abandoning/leaving you and hence why you put up with crap. Is this correct? I reckon I would be close to the mark.