Undiagnosed Its So Weird Saying This .

[Nikie]

It is really weird to post on any thread . its kind of threatening to me ..lol... Anyway I have never been labeled with anyting....so according to friends and family I am still the happy go lucky self. But inside I am blowing up by everything bad I kan think of. First it was only being tired all day.. Feeling of crying all day and all night then I became scared of people so bad I didn't encourage working ( self). It became bad I don't even wanted to leave my room. If I did I felt so irretated ....like killing either the dogs or my kids.. So to keep my kalm I just isolated myself.. When needed to go to town some strange stuff happens to me like I dunno the shops shrink .. Sometimes it became so big and I get so small..nower days I forget stuff like my keys I always put them on 1 place now I trough them a way time and again.. I can just feel that something is wrong and i do not know what.. All this I do in secret.. Cos I feel I can not show my kids that I am week.. So now I lie for telling them I am busy in my room don't desturb till I came out. In this time I sit on my bed doing stuff not feeling comfortable saing it but its SO calming.
Haven't went to a Dr. Cos the one time I did he laughed at me. I told him I am so depressed I feel like chewing of my polses.. He thought I am joking so I guess its a joke feeling suicidal.. I dunno where to run any more my inner me is just getting to big to fight against the person everybody expect me to be. ..
Yea hubby think I am fine and I got over it .. Why . cos he said built a bridge and get over it. Go on with life so .. The outside me did exactly what he ordered ... I am extremely happy to have found this site. I can asosiate with so many feelings here. And living in my country don't say call a helpline they either sleep or you can not here what they said. I might end up in jail for saying my feelings outloud ..
So this is me trapped in. . what ever you want to call it ...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Nikie not sure what country flag that is but you cant even go to a therapist? Not medical Doctor but a mental doctor, in secert even at first? I cant see any sort of therapist for mental disorders laughing at you and Im sorry that happened!

 

[kona355]

@Nikie - Glad you found this site, and welcome -

 

[RavenGirl]

@Nikie, sorry you have to deal with this alone where you live. Glad you found our forum where you can find others who understand; also where you can find some support you deserve.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Nikie]

Didnt have a good experiance with a therapist, went for 10 sessions.10 !!! Told her everything. After every session I felt guilty and horrible .. Then one day she said I don't give her an gap to enter so she can work with me .. I did everything she said. Mmm nah. I'm not trust again. BTW a therapist cost me in 1 hour what I earn in a week. " South Africa ". And thanks if okey. I will hang around and read stuff. .. And hope to learn stuff from you guys.. I feel extremely welcome .. Thanks ..

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Didnt have a good experiance with a therapist, went for 10 sessions.10 !!! Told her everything. After ev...

You are very welcomed and I hope this site helps but I worry about you! I wouldnt be able to get better if I didnt have my therapist weekly sessions but I understand, Africa must be different with health insurance and stuff and US isnt the greatest with insurance as it is, now with this "ObamaCare" my group insurance went up and has changed so much. I wouldnt be able to go weekly if my dad and step mom didnt move in, they pay me $400 a month for rent, I pay all utilities and the rest of my rent, cable, internet etc but with my pay not only can I see ALL my Drs (6 total), but I can keep up my weekly sessions with my therapist and save money like very fast so I am lucky in that sense, though mentally I think them being here is doing more harm than good. Anyway, sorry, didnt mean to go into my stuff, I just could understand, if i didnt have insurance i totally wouldnt be able to see him, he costs $125 a session and when my insurance had a gap in paying he lowered to half price but still at $60 whatever it was still too much if it was just my pay and you have kids to take care of too and I dont. Therapists must be different there. I went to my therapist every week for a year before he knew the real reason i was there then it took me another 2 yrs to tell him everything and i now can tell him anything, some of what most would say "thats too embarrasing, i cant tell him that" he doesnt have a shocked reaction and even has an answer as to why i did it or said it or think it or whatever. I wish you could get that specialized help you need but share here and theres always someone that can relate and/or help and you're always welcomed! Maybe look into free therapist or some sort of relgious therapist? I went to several free therapists and they werent great but maybe you will get a good one? Feel them out for as long as you need. Dont know if they have free or lowered cost care there like a health center or something but maybe look into it? Anyway, im glad you are here!

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry for your situation, Nikie. Welcome to the forum. This place has a lot of info and a lot of compassionate people. I'm sad to hear that the mental health situation in SA doesn't sound very good. 10 sessions is definitely not enough. Are there any nonprofit clinics nearby? I go to one in the US and they have a pay scale based on your income.

 

[Nikie]

costs might be the same for us I think its more expensive for you cos one session will be R400 is equal to $52.25 that's one session for me. I do not have an i come anymore .. The woman I went to was free.. Not going to trust again.. I opened up like a book she could have page right trough me . I am done. My marriage is on the road to destruction. My kids are .. A sad story..

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry, Nikie.

 

[Nikie]

Thank you Hodge. I am strangly feeling okey on this site and i tried a lot .. I do not understand why mental health must be so expensive .. It saddens me ... Cos 90% of south African people have hade some trauma before age 10 .. There are so many murders in as the passed 10 years.. Tenspite the other bad stuff happening .. There are free counseling but guess what. I am not going cos of some personal issues .. I can not say over the web.. Thanks for making me feel welcome its hard to talk and I already said to musb

 

[hodge]

Aww, hon. :hug:s if you accept them