Undiagnosed It's That Time Of Year Again

[Missy1971]

Hello, In April 1996 my husband completed suicide by cop. He did so because of our separation and pending divorce. Everyone always responds by telling me, "You can't make someone kill themselves". I go along with them to shut them up. For me, it IS my fault because I kicked him when he was down.

It was on my son's 4th birthday - so every year I have an internal struggle with myself -- struggle to be happy for the son I have and the wonderful day he was born. But, struggle with guilt...and re-punish myself every year.

Anyway, I thought I'd join to see what I can do to figure out how to fix myself.

 

[theotherside]

First of all i just want to give you a hug if you want one and say I'm so sorry for your loss and the guilt that you feel. Please please get yourself a great therapist to help you heal from this. I know someone in a similar situation. Shes not getting help and her depression is so bad. Its so hard for her child.
Just like i told my friend, people break up and get divorces everyday..she had no idea when she left he would do that. To make things worse his family blames her. I really wish she could get help for herself and her child. Shes worth it, you're worth it. I know you have heard it before...but sweetie, this was not your fault. I have ended a marriage too and my ex threatened to do the same. To this day i still carry guilt for leaving and how much i hurt him so i can't sit here and tell you what to do to heal. But I think therapy would be a good start. I just started myself. Hang in there and i will keep you in my thoughts. ((Hugs)) if you accept

 

[Missy1971]

I re-read his last letter to me - I listen to specific songs that rip my heart out.

During this part of my life, I was a 911 dispatcher. I was not at work. This day started off with him calling me and telling me that he was going to die. Somehow i ended up being a 'negotiator' from 7am to 3 pm (he blocked his phone and would only communicate with me). I remember another dispatcher at my house listening on another extension and relaying information over the radio to the officers who surrounded his house. That day was spent listening to him say terrible things. Until he walked out with his pistol and walked towards officers and was shot.

somehow i was strong enough to still work at that police department for another 16 years. (i never blamed them for his death). I put on my social/work mask and did my best. But internally...I am numb. I raised my son and daughter the best i could. They are grown now and I have two beautiful grandchdren.

aside from that trauma.... i seem to live a life of being victimized. As a child..touched inappropriately by my teenage next door neighbor, my drunk grandpa, and my best friends grandpa.
Fast forward to 2010...i am attending an adult Halloween party (with coworkers from police dept) and am intoxicated. a detective took me to the elevator and sexually assault me. That turned into a big cover-up .... He did not get in trouble even tho he was inapproptiate w 2 others before he got to me. I endex up quittinh my 18 year career because I refused to work with him.

So here I am..broken... emotionally numb. And coming upon the 19 th anniversary of his death..... which is when i fall into this deep depression..where I bring the pain to the surface and force myself not to forget.

Anyway, I dont know if I have PTSD...my counselors have hinted that I do. I want to get better. My kids were cheated out of the mom I should have been. I dont want my grandkids to be cheated too..
so im hoping to find a way to fix myself

 

[Friday]

Welcome, Missy1971.

Fault & guilt is a hard thing to wear. A heavy one, for sure. I know, for myself, it's the things I didn't do...that weigh the most. It's natural for people to want to lighten that, or crush you with it. How much we let them? Well.

I can't speak to your guilt. Whether it's accurate or not. Only my own. The weight warps things, over time, if I'm not careful. It also lends me towards taking responsibility where I shouldn't. Trying to control a situation by making it my fault. Warped thinking, that. Not everything is my fault. No matter how much I might want it to be. And no matter how many other things are.

Who's to blame, though? Unless you're out for revenge, matters less than all the rest. If you're out for revenge, tearing yourself up or someone else? Yeah, that'll need to get sorted. But while it's shiny, it's only the tip of this particular iceberg. The rest needs minding, too. At least in my experience, a lot more that the tip.

Again, welcome.

 

[shimmerz]

Suicide seems to be that gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving. So tragic. Welcome. I hope you find peace here.

 

[theotherside]

I'm happy you're here and seeking help too. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome to the forum, @Missy1971 - we have a great community, and I hope it can help you in your healing journey.

 

[intothelight]

@Missy1971 Welcome and I hope this site and the support helps you find some peace.

 

[Saria]

Hi @Missy1971. Sorry to hear what you've been through. I can somewhat relate to your story, and have been struggeling with a lot of guilt myself.
When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was suicidal for a long period of time, always telling me he would kill himself if I left him. I felt extremely trapped and helpless in the 2-3 years we were together. In the end I couldn't take it anymore, so I left him, and a while after he hanged himself. He wrote a suicide note saying that he couldn't live without me, and put up a lot of pictures of me in front of the noose, so I would be the last thing he saw. In the beginning I believed 100 % that I was to blame. Lately, though, I'm starting to realize that's not entirely true. He didn't try to kill himself because I broke up with him. He did so because he was depressed and was fighting his own demons (at least this is what I'm trying to tell myself).

He did so because of our separation and pending divorce.

Could it be that he did so, not because of the separation, but because he had other issues that came to the surface when he was alone, that wasn't necessarily your fault? Even if you don't believe it now, I know it can get better. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

force myself not to forget.

Do you know why you do this? What would happen if you didn't do this? I can relate though, so I'm not judging you for doing it, but it's probably not the most helpful thing to do in a healing process.

I hope you'll find the forum helpful and supportive. Welcome :)

 

[moonbeam]

Welcome to the forum. I'm very sad to hear you are dealing with all this but its good that you want help.

My natural instinct is to say that you didn't kill him. He chose police assisted suicide. Though I'm not sure how helpful that is.

In the past when I have felt suicidal or even made failed attempts it has never been anyone else's fault. Have horrible situations been an influence? Absolutely. But ultimately I made that choice, I reached a point of either feeling too depressed, like too much of a burden and too overwhelmed that I thought it was the only way out. Even in an absolute panic it was still MY CHOICE. Because of mental health issues I wasn't seeing everything rationally or all the options. But nobody else made me do it. I was the one to decide my actions.

It sounds like he did the same. You talked to him. You tried to help. He made a horrible choice but he made it. I know that can be a very hard thing to think about or accept but I hope that maybe this brings you some comfort.

I think it would be really great for you to speak with a T about this as well as the other things you mentioned from your past.

I'm glad you found the forum and hope it helps.