I've Been Facing This For A While... Kind Of Confused

[McCray]

I have been struggling for a while,have seen this website for a while but never bothered to sign up. Today I was triggered and I am afraid and don't know how to express to this the real world. But let me start with ME,not my trauma.

I live in New Jersey,I am seventeen (probably young to be using this website,lol). I like to draw and make crafts,I like music,and walks,swimming,cats. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have in my life are fantastic. I would say I have 2 or 3 close friends. However my life has turned a lot in the past year. Last year I did not have any friends in real life :/. I have also lost 100 pounds in the past year,as a random fun fact. So I am not sure what to expect from this website,but I feel the need to reach out.

Currently nobody is home for me. We (my parents and my siblings) have a vacation home in Florida,however I stayed back for the 2 weeks. I was sexually abused at this location,I get several flashbacks from this event. Before this year I kept the entire thing hidden. I happen to be a part of a an alternative program in my school,where I get extra attention. So this year was the year (I have been a part of this program for 3 years) that I decided to express what I need to a case manager who is on hand at all times for me within the program. We had an on phone intervention where she told my father all about the abuse. We don't talk about it much at home,as not to trigger me. However we did discuss that I absolutely do NOT want to go back to Florida. My parents were a bit apprehensive about leaving me on my own,as I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital 3 weeks ago. I was showing suicidal actions and behavior. My case manager called my mother and I was there for about 8 hours. Luckily I did not have to stay long term but a major concern of my parents was that I would take pills as a suicide attempt. I have attempted suicide several times in my younger years,but that was when I was suffering in silence.

This all happened in such a short amount of time. Now I have more to lay on my family and I don't know quite how to reach out in real life. We have never discussed my flashbacks at home,I do not believe they are even aware I get these. Most of the time my flashbacks were visual but part of what triggered me to reach out this year was I also get sensory flashbacks and that has been happening more in recent months. I do not understand them fully. For example the other day I was having a surprise party for my friend's 18th birthday which was a great time and out of nowhere I got these awful tastes from my abuse.

This year I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder,I will admit I was very heavy in past. But after losing about 70 pounds my doctor said I was perfectly healthy and additional weight loss was not necessary,however I kept going and as much as people beg me I want to continue. Today I bought laxatives and promised my friend I would take none. But I couldn't hold myself back. And then something new emerged. A memory I have never had. I began to have flashbacks from something I do not even recall happening! I know I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old in Florida,by a 17 year old boy. But today while taking the laxatives I started getting flashbacks of my mother's step dad abusing me..I am shocked and so confused. Frank,my mother's step dad died when I was about 4. He was always so good with me and I never EVER remember him sexually abusing me. So why is this happening!?! Why now?! I think if I told somebody in real life I just "didn't remember" they would not believe me. I am not fully convinced he abused me but I just don't understand what is going on right now or why laxatives would trigger that..

 

[Chava]

Glad you're reaching out for support! I'm sorry your family isn't there for you right now, but what can help you feel safe? Do you have a therapist to work on the trauma with? I'm sorry you feel triggered right now (I recovered from anorexia and abused laxatives for a while too)...instead of trying to make sense of painful memories on your own can you call a friend for support or just to be with? When I'm most triggered, it's most helpful for me to either focus on healthy distractions or feeling safe...call a friend, do something to ground me in the present, etc. Especially with suicide attempt so recent, feeling safe is really important. Art and music are really important to me, too. Both can help me feel good, or more safe when needed. Keep reaching out, and if you don't have a therapist to help you safely process the abuse is that a step you can take? If you don't feel safe do you have someone you can call?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@McCray I am impressed that you have reached out for help from this support group. Welcome. I am also concerned for you being triggered and having intrusive memories with no one to help you through it.

You have a lot more self awareness than I had at your age. I also starved myself and had a love affair with speed. I cut myself and like you I only had 1 friend. That was a long long time ago. Isn't it interesting that we all understand what you mean when you use word like 'flashback, trigger, memories, sensory flashbacks' these aren't terms the general population of the world understands. It can make you feel all alone.

You are not alone. When you are ready to explain more of your symptoms to your family, then it will be when you can tolerate it. For now, you can vent to us. It will help to dispel your tension knowing you are safe here.

What supports are in place for you right now? Therapist? Psychiatrist? Group therapy? At 17, and it sounds like you're American, your parents have to sign for permission to treat you.

You most likely have a rape and assault nonprofit that has a 24 hour call in service. If you feel like you are considering self harm, please reach out for help. These worms, as I call hem, work their way out of your body and mind. But they can be very painful thus the suggestion to get a good therapist.

 

[McCray]

I currently am in therapy once a week which I will attend tomorrow. I feel as if self harm became an addiction for me. However those demons have been getting better since I decided I want help with everything and it's actually a year and a week since I physically cut myself. However sometimes I still have thoughts of it and that's when I try to talk to friends. My friend is currently at work but he agreed he can call me when he gets off at 10, so I am hoping then I can describe my flashback and confide in him. I suppose today taking the laxatives was a form of self harm, just not in the traditional sense. I feel as though I have to leave that out when I contact my friend because he will only be angry if he discovers I turned to laxatives. He has been praising me and saying I look fantastic now that I've gained 5 pounds. But I didn't feel good with that number I was at. So by taking the laxatives I've lost about 3 pounds and he'd be deeply saddened if he ever heard that I lost more weight in a harmful way

 

[Anthy]

Hi!! I'm 18 and from South Jersey! Nice to see you on here.

So the repressed memory coming back of someone else abusing me, also happened to me. It took me years to sort out what was going on and how to make sense of it. And they just kept coming! Now I understand what the flashbacks were for me -- my dreams from when I was a child. I dreamed frequently of other people sexually abusing me, especially family members. This is very common for ppl of all ages who have been sexually abused. For a very long time, I believed my mom badly sexually abused me. Now, I am not certain and lean towards not. However, I believe it doesn't matter because I still need distance from her to be safe and probably will forever.

I know this may be even more disconcerting to hear, but you might need to reflect on the memory and his personality to determine whether it's real or not, and whether that matters in the end. It's not something that can be figured out overnight.

And, many times repressed memories surface when your mind is ready for them. You stayed safe by staying home from Florida, and your brain is grateful. It's ready to tackle the next hurdle and try to process the rest of your memories. I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope you do everything you can to relax this week -- trying stimulating your senses to snap out of the flashbacks, by like sniffing your favorite candles, thinking of your favorite person, putting a wet washcloth on your forehead and sitting in front of the airconditioner, etc.

I wish I could give a more in-depth response, but I don't have internet until next week. I hope things get better soon

 

[shimmerz]

@McCray I believe you. The body holds many secrets that we have pushed back. Trust it when it tells you something but be patient with the story line. I am proud of you for being the age you are and reaching out like this. That shows great strength and determination!

It takes a special person to be able to understand the language of the body. I had many people doubt me - until I got my Children's Aid report that confirmed all the 'weird ideas that I should not have known whilst being so young' that I put out to those I trusted (sometimes misplaced trust). It is fascinating this process. I wish you all the best and I hope that you can believe what I heard through my T-doc and have come to trust 100%. The body doesn't lie. It is trying to speak to you. You can learn the language as long as you trust.

Is your therapist trained in trauma? This may become very important that you find a therapist who understand the symptoms you are having and knows that they are authentic.

 

[McCray]

I tried telling people in my real life. They believe this is just me associating my trauma on to other people because I was already through so much,I feel misunderstood :/. In my flashback Frank,my mother's step father's hand was visible. He was wearing his wedding ring and I don't think there is any possible way my mind could have just "fabricated" the exact ring that I have not seen in over a decade. I went downstairs to my picture closet and it is indeed the same ring..one I have not seen in real life since the age of 4 at his funeral.

 

[shimmerz]

@McCray one thing that I learned and it really stung. Very few people can wrap their heads around this stuff. Trying to tell people that my mother tried to smother me with a pillow and failed? lol. 'Okay Shimmerz, whatever you say.' I can laugh now but man at that time it felt like crazy making. Either I was making others crazy or they were making me crazy.

With time your pieces will come together. The flashbacks are great but horrendous all at the same time in my opinion. It takes a while to soak up what we have blocked for so long. Follow your inner voice - not the voices around you. They don't know and many times are living in denial themselves.