Sexual Assault I've been raped but I never felt shame or guilt, is this normal?

[Lalala]

The title says it all. I only felt guilty once, when I was considering reporting it but that quickly faded away. I can't seem to feel ashamed of it either at all. I've heard the vast majority of people who've been through that experience shame and/or guilt and I don't. What's wrong with me?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

What's wrong with me?

Dunno that anything's wrong with you :)

Do you have any feelings about the rape?

If you have none, or very few feelings about it, it could be that you're kind of numb? That can be a protective function of the brain, to numb all the feelings.

 

[frogthroat]

Not to be a bitch but are you so in shock that it hasn't hit you yet? That's pretty normal. You might be in survival mode still if it just happened not that long ago. It must be bothering for you to be here asking about it.

 

[frogthroat]

I mean that in the nicest way possible. It's terrible that it happened to you and I'm not being insensitive towards you at all but I'm curious how could being raped not bother you.

 

[Ronin]

Nothing wrong with you, at all.

It is also perfectly possible you just have a worse experience / what is traumatic how / the whole feeling about the thing and evaluating things meter somewhere different, and nothing wrong with that, either.

(For the record, I been similar about some of the assault stuff in my history. Depended greatly all of the situation, and who was doing what. Some times, just the rape? Was the *good* outcome. Or better of everything else.)

 

[Friday]

I can't seem to feel ashamed of it either at all.

There’s nothing to be ashamed about. Nor feel guilt over. It’s not something to attempt to feel.

Just because it’s uncommon for people to feel no guilt/shame from day 1, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The opposite. Most people have to work really hard to kick unwarranted guilt and shame to the curb. But most doesn’t mean all. A lot of people never carry guilt or shame over it. And a lot of people feel it at some point, and move past it.

A lot of other people carry such tremendous guilt and shame that they dissociate from it. Numb it. It’s too “big” to feel, so they don’t. Until they do.

I don’t happen to have any guilt or shame over being raped. Once upon a time? Sure. But not for years and years. Not since very early on in my rape history. Generally speaking? Rape doesn’t bother me. Not numbing it, not avoiding it, just also not bothered. The same way a bank robbery doesn’t bother me. It’s not my fault someone decided to rob a bank. Or rape. That’s on them. Not me. Shrug. I honestly don’t care / would be more grossed out if someone stuck their finger in my nose.

From your other posts it seems that rape bothers you a great deal. But not carrying guilt and shame over it? If that’s what you’re doing? Not a bad thing. Not your guilt or shame to carry.

 

[Sideways]

Based on your other thread, I wonder about your take on shame. I’m not going to tell you what you are or aren’t feeling, but some of the behaviours you described in your other thread are absolutely things I’ve done to myself, and that was all about shame. I was expressing it through the way I was treating myself, but ultimately it was stemming from masses of shame that I needed to let out of my system...

 

[joeylittle]

@addyx - have you seen a mental health professional?

Following @Sideways comments, this stuff you wrote struck me:

Sometimes I stick tape on my mouth… with stuff written on it like "forever silenced", "dead inside", "dying" or "asking for it"... because it makes me feel worse.

-I write stuff like "whore", "waste" on myself

At night at times, I pretend that someone is trying to rape me so I can feel like utter f*cking shit.

You’re pretty clear on the point that you are doing these things in order to feel worse.

I can't seem to feel ashamed of it either at all.

These strike me as behaviors of someone experiencing the strong tug of war between feelings of anger and shame.

I could be way off base about that, BTW.

They are also things people do when they feel a need for their pain to be seen, so they can be helped.

So, to circle back - are you getting help from a mental health practitioner?

 

[EveHarrington]

To me it sounds like you feel a lot of shame, based on how you’re acting out. Maybe you just can’t identify these feelings for what they are?

 

[Lalala]

I mean that in the nicest way possible. It's terrible that it happened to you and I'm not being insensitive towards you at all but I'm curious how could being raped not bother you.

It happened 11 months ago. It does really bother me, I do feel strong emotions linked to it but it's more like pain, sadness, feeling victimized, small and weak, or some weird hybrid feelings that I can't put a name on. Without mentionning, some types of numbness.

To me it sounds like you feel a lot of shame, based on how you’re acting out. Maybe you just can’t identify these feelings for what they are?

It's possible, I have problems now identifying what I'm feeling, and I have a few recurring emotions that are hybrids but I don't know what they are made of at all. Shame could be in there.

@addyx - have you seen a mental health professional?

Following @Sideways comments, this stuff you wrote struck me:


You’re pretty clear on the point that you are doing these things in order to feel worse.

These strike me as behaviors of someone experiencing the strong tug of war between feelings of anger and shame.

I could be way off base about that, BTW.

They are also things people do when they feel a need for their pain to be seen, so they can be helped.

So, to circle back - are you getting help from a mental health practitioner?

I do see a therapist for trauma specifically, but I'm ashamed to ask her all these questions. Anyway what we do is more like general DBT so we can do EMDR for that soon enough, not talk therapy. And for the whole tape stuff and all that, it's not linked to anger, but more to like helplessness and pain and weird emotions I can't name, and feeling like I'm condemned to suffer in silence (society). I guess it could be some weird way too. I do want my pain to be seen at times. I try to make people see what's wrong with me, without telling them.

 

[ILoveLife]

Sometimes we just don't know how to pinpoint the exact emotion we are feeling. That's ok, though, it comes with time.

If you're not seeing a mental health professional, is strongly advisable that you do.

 

[hithere]

there is nothing wrong with you. There is no need to feel any shame. Any shame is on the perp.