Hi All
I just happened to notice that I joined this group exactly a year ago today! Interesting that I even looked but then I realized today is the 23rd, and I've often been told the number 23 is an enigma of sorts, and believe it to be true.
More importantly, the changes since last year have been profound and mostly in the last few months. I find I need this group more than ever - and possibly therapy (again) - to help me deal with the relationship I have with my Sufferer.
About four months ago, before I came to fully understand the extent of my Sufferers PTSD, I had a dream about him:
I dreamed that he showed up on my porch, was sitting hunched over with his forehead held low in his hands, and his satchel with belongings along side him. I sat down to say hello and when he looked up at me I gasped! His face was now ugly, like there was a disease all over his face! He was horrified himself and didn't want to show it to anyone and yet desperately needed to be able to do so, and to know he was loved.
With my heart I quickly responded, looked in his eyes which shown his aching and yet longing heart, and let him know I loved him, I accepted him even with his 'disease'. It was scary, his face, and I found I kept a bit of distance for fear of 'catching it', whatever it was. But I didn't leave his side, not for a minute.
The dream stayed with me for days, and I wondered what it meant. Just a few weeks later I would find out as my Sufferer got into trouble with the law, due to his anger (PTSD), and came to me right away for help, for a heart that would listen. Since then, things have gotten worse for him, as I have recently posted, and I realize now he has come to me with his 'disease', just as in the dream. (technically, I speak of PTSD, but in the dream it was represented as something else).
I feel honored that he feels comfortable to share with me. And it's almost eery that I had the dream before this all happened - but not entirely; ever since he went to Iraq I have had foretelling dreams such as this, about him.
Now, I have to learn how to take care of myself, and to discern just how much I can handle. Recently, I feel effected, and am low. I need to do a serious assessment of the situation and how I want to be in this relationship. The closer I get - or the more he shows me - the more I think I can't handle it. But can I say that to him? no way. Don't have the heart to do that.
It's so hard to put together the 'new reality' within my brain, the new reality of how he exists compared to the guy I knew before he went to Iraq. I STILL expect so much to be similar to his former self, but right now I realize I just can't. He is a different person almost daily! It's so hard to grasp that sometimes, it really is. But lately - I'm getting it, and in a big way. It has me feeling very low, sad and sort of bizarre, can't quite explain it.
Well, just needed to write, it helps.
Thanks for listening.
I just happened to notice that I joined this group exactly a year ago today! Interesting that I even looked but then I realized today is the 23rd, and I've often been told the number 23 is an enigma of sorts, and believe it to be true.
More importantly, the changes since last year have been profound and mostly in the last few months. I find I need this group more than ever - and possibly therapy (again) - to help me deal with the relationship I have with my Sufferer.
About four months ago, before I came to fully understand the extent of my Sufferers PTSD, I had a dream about him:
I dreamed that he showed up on my porch, was sitting hunched over with his forehead held low in his hands, and his satchel with belongings along side him. I sat down to say hello and when he looked up at me I gasped! His face was now ugly, like there was a disease all over his face! He was horrified himself and didn't want to show it to anyone and yet desperately needed to be able to do so, and to know he was loved.
With my heart I quickly responded, looked in his eyes which shown his aching and yet longing heart, and let him know I loved him, I accepted him even with his 'disease'. It was scary, his face, and I found I kept a bit of distance for fear of 'catching it', whatever it was. But I didn't leave his side, not for a minute.
The dream stayed with me for days, and I wondered what it meant. Just a few weeks later I would find out as my Sufferer got into trouble with the law, due to his anger (PTSD), and came to me right away for help, for a heart that would listen. Since then, things have gotten worse for him, as I have recently posted, and I realize now he has come to me with his 'disease', just as in the dream. (technically, I speak of PTSD, but in the dream it was represented as something else).
I feel honored that he feels comfortable to share with me. And it's almost eery that I had the dream before this all happened - but not entirely; ever since he went to Iraq I have had foretelling dreams such as this, about him.
Now, I have to learn how to take care of myself, and to discern just how much I can handle. Recently, I feel effected, and am low. I need to do a serious assessment of the situation and how I want to be in this relationship. The closer I get - or the more he shows me - the more I think I can't handle it. But can I say that to him? no way. Don't have the heart to do that.
It's so hard to put together the 'new reality' within my brain, the new reality of how he exists compared to the guy I knew before he went to Iraq. I STILL expect so much to be similar to his former self, but right now I realize I just can't. He is a different person almost daily! It's so hard to grasp that sometimes, it really is. But lately - I'm getting it, and in a big way. It has me feeling very low, sad and sort of bizarre, can't quite explain it.
Well, just needed to write, it helps.
Thanks for listening.
