Just A Fools Hope?

[foolshope89]

Hello there,

I am kinda new to all of this but i hope i can find some help and/or support of how to deal with my current situation.

6 months ago i met my boyfriend who has PTSD, although he tried to make it clear to me he didnt have PTSD at all, as if he was afraid that it would scare me away.

He did admit to having some other small happenings like nightmares, flashbacks, concentration problems and some other things aswell. ( i witnessed him having a nightmare once ).

I'm a nurse myself and i recongized his symptoms immediatly, my brother is in the militairy as well and he noticed it too.

He has been in the militairy for about 6-7 years and has seen alot of terrible things, some of which he told me about.

He's been out of the militairy for about 2-3 years now and has a new job.

Anyways, to get to the story.

Everything went very well and we were both happy and in love untill... he went abroad for a couple of weeks for his job.(he was supposed to be in a safe place but turned out it wasnt, alot of war going on which brought back many bad memories)

But.. the moment he came back a few weeks later he was a completely different person.

He did let me know he was back home but that was about it. Which made me worried because at that moment every single scenario crossed my mind. ( im an insecure person which doesnt help either )

Eventually he told me on the phone he was having some problems with himself and he tried to figure himself out, because he'd seen alot of things again while being abroad.

I already figured out it was his PTSD but i did not tell him i knew.

Days and week passed by with little communication he didnt even picked up his phone after our first phonecall.

I was almost on complete ignore during those weeks sometimes he responded..most of the times he didnt.

Which stressed me out ALOT.

Eventually about 5 weeks ago i had enough and texted him that i needed answers because i lost most of my hope at that point.

That he was ignoring me which was just a ice cold thing to do. I didnt know what i was fighting for and i needed an answer that very day..if he wouldnt answer me that day i would end this whole thing. i even lost about 10 kilo in 2 weeks during stress. It was a difficult thing to do but necessary.
Within 5 minutes he answered me that he was busy at that moment at work but he would text me back in a an hour or so.

That day he admitted he was not okay at all and that he was trying to get himself back together.
His way was working his ass off and lots of jogging. He did tell me he wanted to continue our relationship but at this moment he needed to be selfish to figure himself out else he wouldnt be the same person. And that everything would be alright eventually.

I had alot of peace with this answer and i gave him time and i stopped texting him.

Eventually i would text him and he started to respond again so that made me happy, but when he didnt reply it hurted again.

2 weeks ago he texted me and he seemed like my old boyfriend again even if it was just for an hour.He even flirted again It was great!

But the next week i didnt hear from him at all ( after i asked him if i could call him sometime..bad move ). Which caused me to stress out again and lose all hope once more.

I texted him a few times with exciting news last week and i know he's read them he's just not responding to them.

After he just returned i told him that i was there if he needed me and he can always talk to me when he needed to talk. And that i will stick by his side no matter what. He was very glad i felt that way it meant alot to him and he apologized for not sharing his feelings.

At this point i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont want to give up on him because i have faith that he can come back. I havent seen him for 3 months now.

He did tell my brother(whos also in the militairy ) he considered professional help. Which would help alot.

Right now im trying the silent treatment. Hoping that he'll notice im not spending my attention on him anymore, and make him think/realize something is up. Because i text him every week sometimes even every day.

Maybe it ll make him think.. and maybe it wont. Im just afraid he'll forget about me eventually :-(. im only 5 days into the silent treatment so i doubt he noticed xD. But its tearing me apart inside. During the holidays its even worse ugh can't wait till its january already.

but the big question is...

Should i keep having faith in him or is it just a fool's hope?

sorry about the major essay!

I just needed to tell me story somewhere. Most of my friends tell me to ditch him and get a new one ( likes hes some product or w/e) But i refuse to give up on him, i try to listen to my heart and not my mind because that will drive me insane.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Hi and welcome to the forum, I am a supporter myself and learning just like you. I don't believe in playing games with someone. The silent treatment you are speaking of is a game. He isn't ignoring you to hurt you but the way you speak of "silent treatment" sounds like you are/will ignore him to hurt him so there is a difference. One second you are telling him that he can talk to you at anytime he needs to and then the next you are giving him silent treatment? That completely contradicts what you previously said. Thus making him feel like he can't trust you. See my point?

He needs space right now and that is the only thing you can give him. Once he works out his issues that he needs to address then he may be in a better place to speak to you. I have learned that my guy needs his space and NOT to push. He has good days and bad one's. He just got rid of every picture he had of me and when asked why he said he didn't even really know why. He said he wants to be with me but he was just going through something. Right now he's been in a rough patch for two months. Some days good followed by a few bad. I'm learning to be supportive and patient with him. He is in return learning he can trust me. It's taken me two years to even get this far.

What your speaking of is quite normal at least it has been for me with my experience with my vet. Look around on the forum and you'll see many stories just like yours. Takes a lot of patience to endure. The forum is full of many supportive people both sufferers/supporters of sufferers.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

This really helped me a lot!

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
It helps if you don't use specialized font in your posts, ie putting almost the entire thing in italics, etc. Some of us skip over posts that are more difficult to read. (Yes, it is related to PTSD.)

 

[foolshope89]

Thanks for replying to my story!

I think i explained myself wrong. I meant stop texting him and let him make the next move giving him space and time.
Instead of texting him every single day.
I'll change that in my story thank you for pointing that out!

I'm trying to be as patient as i can, but most of the times the ignoring gets a hold of me.

I ve been spending alot of time on this forum and it helped me through alot!
I'm just at a loss right now, and i dont know what to do anymore.
He is talking with other people, except me.

The cup theory explained alot thanks for sharing that!

 

[nursenurse]

Three months would test the patience of Job. This is unacceptable in a relationship, and to me clearly signifies that he is in no position to have a romantic relationship at the moment. Look after you, get out with your friends and focus on you. Above all, do not make those kinds of promises, that you will be there forever and such, because we never know when fate will make a liar out of us. You end up pigeon holing yourself and if things become untenable, you take away some of your power to rethink the process. Get some counselling for yourself, try to determine what you need from a relationship, because what you need, may be something that you may never have with this one. Good luck.

 

[Justmehere]

You are diagnosing him and pathologizing his behaviors way too much. He may just not be into you. Maybe he is, but he is clearly not anywhere near ready for that relationship and it's not good for either of you for you to wait around for change that may never come.

The silent treatment is unlikely to bring about a healthy relationship. He can't read your mind and is unlikely to have any clue why you are doing that.

You deserve someone who really does love and care about you and is able to be there for you - and it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor about why you don't feel you deserve better.

 

[foolshope89]

@Justmehere ur completely right! i cant help myself i really should stop doing that, thanks for pointing it out.

I'm just gonna try and give him the space he needs, the silent treatment is a bad idea i agree.
2 weeks ago when he had a good moment i was just wayy to happy and maybe i suddenly wanted to much to fast again which pushed him away again.

He told me he can't talk to me about it he only wants to talk to someone who knows what he's talking about.. hence my brother. Im glad he gets comfort with my brother. He doesnt have to talk to me about it at all im not asking for that.
The step that he went to see my brother was major he actually didnt want to leave at some point but he had to.
I took my sister in law out that day so they could have their alone time and talk.without any interferance of me hanging around.

I know i deserve someone who does love and care about me and i know i deserve better.
But i also dont want to give up on him.
Right now im just holding on to his own words that he does want to be with me and that it will be okay but that he just needs time, and he doesnt know how long it will take.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would be less concerned with being there for him, and more concerned about being there for yourself. You started dating him six months ago, and you haven't seen him for three of those months. That is half of your relationship spent miserable and fretting.

Right now im just holding on to his own words that he does want to be with me and that it will be okay but that he just needs time, and he doesnt know how long it will take.

How long are you willing to feel like you do right now?

 

[Nico]

I think it's a little different when it comes to military (in terms of isolation periods). I've read COUNTLESS stories from wives and GF's just like yours and mine. My boyfriend, like yours, really played down his PTSD when he told me last year he was diagnosed with it. So, I figured he was cool and actually never saw him in an episode (and I really didn't know anything about PTSD). He is a super jolly person. He and I have been AWESOME since we started dating last year and we have a long history of strong feelings for each other over the past 20 years of friendship. Know what? He went on his last deployment and all was good between us until he came back last month. I know he had a really hard deployment and he was back in an area where he first saw a lot of scary combat. He's isolated himself and it's been 2 weeks since I've heard from him. I even wrote him an email last week telling him how I still love him, but I'm confused with the silent treatment. At the time I didn't know it was PTSD because he didn't tell me, so what was I supposed to say? I don't know if your BF is like mine, but mine does not like to look weak or drag me into his problems. Like you, I've been going back and forth in my brain about what to do. I feel I've done enough, but then my head takes over and I think that's where I need to stop. He abandoned me, I'm hurt. I don't think it's my position to push him to talk because really if you think about it, you and I just want answers and our insecurities take over. I've decided to not say anything else because he hurt me so incredibly bad and I think he needs space to get through his issues. I suggest you do the same and it is harder than hell to fight that silence. I've read some forums on here and militarysos where these women have gone months without hearing back. They all say to leave him alone. Like you, I want to believe in my heart that I'm not holding out for false hope. I have yet to send a message asking "where do we stand?" That's kind of a lot of pressure, but I totally understand how you feel. You're just like, "who the heck is this guy who stole my BF?"

I think you should just back off for now and live your life. If you hear from him, then start things over again by taking it slow. Are you 100% certain he didn't meet anyone while he was abroad?

 

[foolshope89]

@Nico

I totally understand your story, the "ignoring" is the worst. And your mind is gonna play alot of tricks.
But i try not to listen to it. Because it will drive me insane if i will.
First few are the worst in my opinion eventually it gets "easier".

I havent texted my bf for over a week untill last week. I texted him and he replied and he opened up his heart to me alot more than he usual did.
and it turns out specially in these months he goes through a rough time.
I was sooo happy haha because i knew alot more of what was going on, which helped me alot .
He texted me again today out of his own free will, which totally made my day.

What i ve learned the hard way is that he really needs his space and time.. and its so difficult to leave him alone.
But in the end it pays off.
I do live my own life right now and he's busy working his own life out.
And he lets me know alot more than he used to, so there is progress.

I still have hope and trust that it will all be okay in the end.
And he knows he can trust me to be there for him when he needs me.

And yes im 100% sure he didnt meet anyone abroad, there really wasnt any opportunity for that haha.

 

[Nico]

@foolshope89
You mean space with no contact (because I am not contacting him)? I don't even know if he read the email I sent him and that was over a week ago. I feel that since he ran from us, that I should not chase him down. As much as I do want to text him and ask him if he's doing ok, I feel his actions are telling me he wants to be left alone. And yes, one's mind does travel all over. I'm like, "did he read my email? Did he misinterpret something?"

Glad things are slowly coming together for you!!!! That is good news and glad you were able to get a smile on your face from him initiating. How amazing how something so simple like that can make you feel so good. Patience is definitely one thing I have learned from going through a 7 month deployment. That's the stab in the heart...I've been without him for that long and now that he's back...he's still not "back." We had one tender night together and that was almost a month ago.