Just Diagnosed With Dissociation

[llv88]

My t just changed my primary dx from ptsd to dissociation and is asking about alters to protect a little girl in my head from a bully in my head that wants us dead (So he can work on the bully first). I'm so scared. I don't know what to think. I don't have anyone to talk to, tried to talk to husband tonight, he dismissed it. I want to get out of here and away from people. The bully is telling me terrible "I told you so" things that should have been done when I was 17. I left a message for t but he won't see it until Monday. What do I do? I can't find any "nurturing alter" to help the little girl because let's face it, she's the reason we're in this situation to begin with. Mainly I just need to feel normal, and not crazy. I don't have any support, nobody understands, maybe for good reason, maybe because I'm bad.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't have DID but I do want to say that you are NOT bad! You have a disorder and you need help, nothing less, nothing more. You aren't crazy, not in the least.

 

[Seasounds]

You are in very uncomfortable situation; and it is possible to get support. So glad you posted a thread! Check in on it the next coupled of days. Hope you get lots of support!

You are a good person, and you will feel more secure, with some solid support. Providers, unfortunately, don't provide all the support we need at crucial moments. You are right to expect it, and I wish your T was available. A new diagnosis is a lot to have dumped on you.

(I write the following, with a PTSD diagnosis, with having worked through being disassociated from my feelings.)

• Like you, in a crisis, I keep going down my list, to find an empathetic connection. First therapist, then mate, then friend, then crisis line, etc.
• I will add, rather hesitantly-hate to stir the pot but sometimes it is helpful; there is a difference in having intrusive thoughts, vs and having a disassociate disorder, as your primary diagnosis.
• Make sure you are describing your experience clearly; that you and your therapist can "get on the same page".
• With reserve, (for same reason in (#2) suggest, you might ask for a second opinion; see what a more experienced therapist or psychiatrist thinks. Professionals can have 'a perspective' that influences their diagnosis, that may or may not be accurate and, therefore, can be harmful to patients.
• My experience: Certainly, PTSD has grief, anger, loss, and feelings and aspects of ourselves that can be challenging to associate to.
• Another question for diagnosing Providers is, "is your perspective/diagnosis, helping me dis-integrate or 'in-tegrate?"
• One of my first therapists held the 'lens' of multiple personality diagnosis, on most every patient who had memory loss, severe mood changes, who was detached from their feelings, or who was unusual. It was not a healthy model/lens.
• I eventually found a therapist who supported/emphasized that I was integrating my different aspects, rather than supporting that I was disassociated, trying to be less disassociated. Another more obvious example: are you sane, getting saner, or are you insane, and trying to get better.
• The same therapist encourage me to think 'in parts': describe my inner child, my inner teenager, inner adult, etc.
• It gave me a language to describe aspects of myself, but it was a dissociative model, from being with 'all of me', in the moment. With the wrong therapist, and without a second opinion, I could have diagnosed with anything from attention deficit disorder (hyper vigilance makes it difficult to concentrate) to major depressive disorder (have depressed behaviors).
• I hope you get my drift; don't stick with a therapist who doesn't thoroughly involve you and educate you about their rationale, and who gives you a diagnosis that doesn't seem to fit you. I am not saying don't trust a good Provider; I am saying, ask questions, get a second opinion, fit your experience to the language Providers understand.
• Even though you may not be a Provider, when you read up on the different diagnosis, what do you think fits you?

Hang on, keeping reaching out, dismiss people who dismiss you. You are able to heal and find support!

 

[Ronin]

You're not 'crazy' just because you have dissociative issues.
And you're not crazy for not knowing what to do with them on your own either. Last I noticed, they don't exactly hand out manuals for this sort of thing.
You also aren't 'bad'. (Spoiler: it's a common feeling for abuse survivors, it's double common if you're an abuse survivor with D.I.D.)

Can you talk with the inner bully? (In some ways they're messed up for opponents because they truly know you, but don't let that fact intimidate you into feeling they're right or in control.) Also, what is the goal in getting you think about your life in retrospect? (There may be something valuable, just a rather complicated delivery of a caring message.)

If you did those things, you'd probably be at a different point in life, possibly not in therapy, possibly not talking to us on the forum. So that you didn't do them seems works more for you in the long term than the opposite would.

 

[Ocean5]

You're not bad - please don't think that. You survived - that's what's important.
PTSD or Dissociation is how the mind/body deals with horrible things.

And if you need to tell your doctor this isn't right time (or it's too much right now.) Do that. Just take care of yourself first.

Here's are 2 crisis hotline you can call for help over weekend:
(212) 673-3000
1-800-273-8255

 

[llv88]

Thank you everyone for your support. You all bring up very good points and I intend to work on the answers. I do trust my therapist, been with him for eight years and he didn't come to this dx lightly. Many questions were asked. I think I'm in shock over the idea that my body (or mind) had to resort to compartmentalizing to protect me as a whole. I'll see where this journey takes me, but it's pretty overwhelming as you all know. I'll just take it slow, but I can't confide in my husband, he just doesn't know how to support me in a loving, kind way. Thanks again everyone!

 

[Ocean5]

llv88 - I went to doctor with dissociation as one concern. It was very hard to do (first time seeing mental health professional), and I can tell you even suspecting it - it was "very overwhelming" ..... I didn't work days before and paced my apartment... wreck days after - even though I was told it was self-reported dissociation symptoms.

Give yourself some time. It gets easier to deal with trust me.

One thing that helped me to deal (and still dealing) is to keep reminding yourself it's the way the human mind naturally protects itself from awful things. It's "not" your fault. Your mind protected you...can you only imagine if it didn't? Kinda like a circuit breaker - it protected you from more damage.

Is there an older relative you can talk to? Guess what I'm saying is maybe there is someone else besides your husband to confide in? Someone who knows about a hard life or hard youth? I know it's very hard to talk about, admit, or even bring up.... But I told one Aunt I trust. She was upset initially, but told me name didn't matter, what was important was I was getting help. If I bring it up now she doesn't get upset and listens. I don't feel judged by her in any way. There is hope llv88.

 

[llv88]

Ocean5, thank you. It is very overwhelming to actually know, or even suspect. It's also pretty amazing how the mind works to "protect" us.
Any older relatives I might have considered telling have passed, and I'm not close with any one (I just don't trust people).I have my husband and kids and that's it. I would NEVER burden my kids with this, and I keep giving my husband shots at being supportive and he always makes it worse. I do have my therapist as an ally only in the capacity of I'm paying him to figure this out and help me, but it's the best I've got right now. And over the last couple days the kindness of strangers here has helped me feel heard. I appreciate it. I just feel extra broken now, but what I'm hearing from all of you is it gets better, so I'm hanging onto that. Thanks again.

 

[Ocean5]

It is very overwhelming to actually know, or even suspect. It's also pretty amazing how the mind works to "protect" us. Any older relatives I might have considered telling have passed, and I'm not close with any one (I just don't trust people).

Well said :) I know everyone's situation is different --- I certainly understand not trusting people. Only in past 2 years I reached out to an aunt about a parent, and I'm not a kid. Before that I tried to deal myself (mistake keeping to myself - she was also relieved to finally have someone to talk to about this person.)

I also keep people out - aways, but glad I reached out to her, and found this place.

Kindness of strangers reminds me of Tennessee Williams quote,
"I didn’t go to the moon. I went much further, for time is the longest distance between two places. " -Tennessee Williams
(Yea I'm one of those kids that left and never wanted to look back....but I'm no longer a kid...)

I like quotes...maybe some will help you...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”
- Mary Anne Radmacher

“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
- Martin Luther King Jr.

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
- Buddha

Hang-in there llv88

 

[ghotiff]

@llv88 my husband also it not very emotionally supportive. I think that he would like to be supportive, but he doesn't understand, and I don't think he will ever be able to understand. There are many similar posts here where partners can not act as a support system in that way. I know it can hurt though.