Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[katz]

Heather, I would like to offer a suggestion to you. You don't have to take it. I was also hurt when I was very young. As I was reading this thread, an idea came to me. I think that I would have liked this if my mother had known about what I was going thru.

Take a walk with her. Just the two of you. Often. Even daily if you can. It doesn't matter where to or how long. Take no friends, and no phones. Just the two of you. And just listen to her, don't get angry or hurtful at the other people involved. Just listen. No matter what she wants to talk about. (other friends, school, whatever) Even if she wants to walk silently.

When I was growing up, I often went for walks with friends. These walks helped give me a place to think and relax. I think that you would also be providing a "special, and quiet, and private" place for her to talk to you, alone. This relationship could be just what she needs after something like this happens. She may not talk for quite a while, but she will learn that she can reach out to you during this "special" time when it is just the two of you. I know that the outside was a place for me to feel more "safe" to talk. Maybe she will learn to like these "special walks with mom, where I can talk to her about anything."

I'm not suggesting that you don't already have this type of relationship. All I'm saying is that this is something that she might like. It doesn't force her to talk but lets her learn that there is a "safe, and always available place" to talk safely. About anything. Being outside feels a lot different then talking inside at home. Sometimes it's easier to talk when your not looking directly at each other and you don't feel confined.

These walks always gave me a chance to cry or run or just walk off tension or laugh. (Just be sure to fill your pockets with Kleenex! Even laughing can make your nose run! :)

 

[Forgetful]

Good advice @katz

 

[Heather]

Thank you all for your support. It helps so much at a time where I feel lost and confused. You are all here for me and that means more than you'll ever know.

Went to the police station today and spoke with the svu detective. He was very nice and understanding. I told him that this whole thing was going in the wrong direction and my daughter was being made out to be a willing participant and NOT a victim.

He said he wasn't too concerned about the pictures that Tina claimed were by Nicole on yahoo. He said that if it needed to be investigated down the line, then they would do that. But for now not to worry.

I kept reiterating that BOTH girls kept going back up to Selena's and that I was told that tween girls one day hate each other the next day liked each other. So, I thought it was normal adolescent behavior. I said there's no difference between Nicole continuing to go over there and Brianna going over there. That proves nothing.

I also told him how the DCF worker said she was getting reports that I was "bashing" Brianna. I never, ever said one bad thing about that little girl. The more I think about it, it doesn't even make sense. Why would I bash her? I'm not angry with her. If anything I'd be "bashing" Tina and/or Selena.

He said I had ever right to request a different DCF case worker. I will never, ever meet with that lady alone again.

He also said the truth would come out in the end. I do feel better. A little anyway.

 

[Heather]

Went to Nicole's school and had a meeting about her safety. They informed me they talked to Selena about leaving her alone and to stop giving her dirty looks.

Waiting for the fall-out from that. I'm sure she went home and tattled to her mother.

I guess for the most part am satisfied with the meeting. Although, when I told the school social worker that her saying if my daughter had been sexually assaulted by a 36 y/o man it'd be a lot worse was unprofessional and inappropriate. An assault is an assault. Her response: it's alleged assault at this point. So, if it's substantiated on a piece of paper then that makes her statement invalid. WHAT AN IDIOT.

Not going to deal with rape crisis advocate anymore. She was supposed to call DCF worker and find out why her attitude had changed and let her know how upset I was. She said she spoke to her and DCF worker gave no indication that she thought I was a bad person or mother. WHAT? That has nothing to do with what I told her occurred. I thought she was going to advocate for me. I'm done.

I'm just going to stick with my therapist and my daughter's therapist. She did give me DCF workers supervisors name and number but I am scared to call. It is so exhausting all of this and to have to explain what transpired on fri. night, my feelings and my daughter's feelings about it. Just leaves me feeling defeated, depressed and emotionally drained.

My daughter's therapist explained that the only thing that matters is that something happened and Nicole was affected by it, she didn't like it and wanted to stop. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or believes. My therapist said the same thing.

As far as the forensic interview goes. I explained to Nicole that it was her chance to tell her story about what happened with Selena. How she told her no and to stop and that she didn't like it. But ultimately if she decides that she doesn't want to do it, I wouldn't force her.

Deep down I want her to do it. I want her to stand up and fight for herself and tell her truth because what's being said about my daughter and how she's being portrayed, I find utterly disgusting.

As a parent, this is one of the hardest things you can ever go through. It is such a nightmare that I can't get away from.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm so sorry all this happened, and that it can't get resolved like it should. I'm so proud that you believed and are supporting your daughter.

I was molested as a child by my gymnastics teacher. When my parents found out (similar details as yours with that bit) I was told to "keep yourself safe". So, it continued.

My thoughts are to consider what you want your child to learn/feel from your current actions. I wanted to be validated and protected. I wanted my parents to end the situation. I didn't care about justice, or him going to jail etc, I just wanted to be safe and feel safe.

I'm coming at this from a very personally biased view and I don't have all the facts (obviously) but I wanted to shine a different perspective on this thread.

You have done due diligence, you have reported it, you have advocated for your daughter, you are fighting a system that's broken ... But now what. How long are you willing to fight, is fighting in your daughters best interest, is fighting dragging your energy so you don't have ability to show your love for her and spend enjoyable time with her, is fighting stopping your daughter from being able to move on (I don't mean ignore, I mean process and put it in the past).

As an adult looking back, I wanted my mother to move me from that school, suburb, what ever it took. I agree that it's unfair that your daughter should have to move school, but life isn't fair.

I wanted to process the trauma and move on and learn how not to be trapped in the trauma.

I hope this reads as I intended as supportive and with absolute admiration for what you are doing for your daughter. I wish my mother had "had my back" like you have your daughters back. I only wanted to offer an alternate perspective as I've been lost before and different views have helped me find the best path out.

I really hope this helps somehow. Such a huge thing you are going through.

 

[Heather]

@ghotiff I thank you for your input. If she decides not to do the forensic interview I will support her in that. Then I will walk away and pray that some justice is served where Brianna is concerned.

The situation won't end there though. DCF worker said they are opening a case on me, so they will be around for awhile whether I like it or not.

I want my daughter to find peace and happiness. Right now that's just not there for either one of us.

I have made inquiries into moving to the next town over from us. It would mean new apartment, new school system, new friends for her to make. Will see how it goes and go from there.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@ghotiff expressed a great idea of getting your daughter in new school where she can safely start over. It is not fair but the damage done to your daughter through peer abuse and bullying leaves deep scars that run a long way.

I agree that she needs to be protected and safe more than seeking justice,which is not fair or just but to respect the tender feelings of your daughter. I made that mistake seeking justice and it did more damage to my children.

 

[Heather]

Had an interesting conversation tonight with Brianna and Nicole. Therapist don't push but if they want to talk about it let them. Brianna said that she saw it happen to Nikki on 6 different occasions. Didn't go into anymore detail than that. Truthfully I don't want to know.

Nikki told her the DCF worker called her a lesbian (Nikki's p.o.v.) not exactly what she said. Then Nikki explained how DCF worker only believes Brianna about what happened and not her. Have to love Brianna because she said next time she DCF worker was there she'd tell her what Selena did to Nikki. I don't want to put Brianna in the middle of this and told her that.

Brianna did say that she wants to do forensic interview and tell what happened. Think that got Nikki's mind going. Because when asked if she was going to do it. Instead of saying, "no". She said, "not sure have to think about it". So maybe there's hope that if she sees Brianna's willingness, she will be willing too.

I think I have made up my mind to call DCF and request another caseworker for Nikki's sake. She hates her and what she's implying is hurting my daughter. And if asked why I want to change that's exactly what I will say.

I am calmer and feel more in control and that's a good thing.

Both girls are angry at the girl down the street who was told what happened and she said she didn't want anything to do with her. But she is still walking with Selena to the bus stop in the morning and was playing with her yesterday. I just chalk it up to kids. What are you gonna do. But both Nikki and Brianna feel angry about this. I really didn't say anything at the time. But later in the car told Nikki that it happens all the time where horrible things are disclosed and for whatever reason people don't want to believe, can't believe, are in denial etc.

And told her there's nothing worse than NOT being believed and being called a liar. It's a sh*tty thing to have happen and it sucks.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

The difference that you are making is that you do believe. Very powerful validation. Good for you.

 

[Heather]

@gizmo You're support has been incredible and never ending. Thank you!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Heather you are welcome. I so understand the need to have support going through what you are.

 

[Heather]

If it wasn't for this forum allowing me to vent and all the support I've received.... I'd be in the hospital right now (psych ward for sure).

Going to call DCF and ask for a new caseworker. Lord give me the strength to do this. I am scared and exhausted from having to defend myself and my daughter.