Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

Hi. I haven't posted a thing in months/years but I need to talk about this. We just moved to a new apartment in November. I had the neighbors kid (Brianna) from our old neighborhood in the car and she told me that she had been molested by the people that we used to live upstairs from. She said to my daughter, "didn't you say it happened to you to?". My daughter said no.

About a week ago I had all the kids over at my house and Brianna came to me and said, "don't get mad at Nikki but it happened to her to". I was devastated. I am sick, disturbed and furious that this took place for the two years that we lived there. I confronted Nikki (gently) after I dropped everybody off and she reluctantly confessed. She confirmed my worst nightmare. I asked her, "don't you feel relieved that it's out now and you never have to be near her again?" She stated no and that she doesn't want to think about or to have anything to do with it. She knew about what was happening to Brianna and said nothing. I can't fault her for that, she's just a kid. She also told me that it happened to another girl as well.

The most shocking thing is that this isn't a 35 yr old man that was doing this to my daughter. It's an 11 1/2 year old girl (Selena). She would tell the girls not to tell and I don't want to get into graphic detail but the stuff she was doing to them was disgusting.

DCF has been called and an investigation is in the works. My poor daughter is having nightmares and stomach aches. The DCF case worker told me that Selena turned it around and blamed the other girls and said that they forced her. Selena is a big kid who outweighs my daughter by 40 lbs and Brianna by 80 lbs.

I don't know what to do or the best way to handle this situation. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry Heather for the circumstances that brought you back. Sounds to me like you've handled the situation well under the circumstances. Very sorry to read that this happened to your daughter and a couple other girls. You did the right thing... an investigation is in order. Sending you prayers or intentions for you, the other girls and your daughter.

 

[Heather]

Thank you Albatross. More and more details are coming out about what took place. I don't know how much more I can handle:cry:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

This is absolutely awful, and I hate it that your female child (something is my brain and I can't write the word, a bit triggered) . You should start theraphy as soon as possible,t he sooner it begins the sooner will the child be healing, definitely don't let it site for long. How old was she, and the other girl?

Maybe the abuser was actually the abused? Just as abused kids would act out the scenes on dolls, maybe Selena was abused before or was being abused at home, and was just doing the exact same thing, wouldn't be the first nor last time it happens. So I am not for attack on Selena, but theraphy for both your child and Brianna is a must, that you should start ASAP, and point the institutions tioward Selena and her family, as to help her, as a minimum.

Thats all i can think of atm.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

More and more details are coming out about what took place. I don't know how much...

You need to stay calm, and especially make sure kids aren't shown any guilt for it, it's definitely not their fault, really glad you found out now, and not after she was hiding it for much much longer, as I did. Stay strong.

Sending :hug:s if you accept

 

[The Albatross]

You're here Heather, among peers... we got your back. Post as you need to?

 

[Heather]

I just spoke with Brianna's dad and he said she is having the same problems as Nicole. I.e. not sleeping, bad dreams and stomach aches. He is a man and I know the male mind thinks differently. He doesn't think it's because of what Selena did. I told him it is because what she did.

I also found out from the DCF case worker that when we had Nicole's birthday party at MY HOUSE, Selena touched Brianna inappropriately. I am sick. That little girl is so brazen as to do something like that in a house full of 10 other kids and two adults. The kids were always out in the open. I planned 5 diff. games for them to play but Selena found her opportunity and took it.

I agree with the comments that Selena needs help. Something happened to that kid to make her act out and behave this way. Plus, she knew that what she was doing was wrong because she repeatedly told Nicole and Brianna, "don't tell". She would even go as far as to smack Brianna in the face and threaten her.

I am not handling this well at all. When I first found out I cried for 2 days straight. Now my tears have turned into immense anger. Anger at everything, Selena, her mother (for not knowing what her daughter was doing), just everything.

A huge part of me feels like I failed as a mother because I didn't do my job when it comes to protecting my child. My mother said it's not my fault, even Nicole said, "mom it's not your fault". I still feel like I failed. Nicole would come down from playing with Selena and say that she hated her. She would even call her Ebola. I asked her if that's why she acted like she hated her so much and she said yes.

Nicole told my mother that I am asking too many questions and it is making her sad. I know I need to back off but it is hard I want to know what happened. I also know from my own trauma history that she can't ignore it. It needs to be dealt with.

She is in counseling and has been for the past few months. She just seemed so unhappy and now I know why.

The DCF case worker also informed me that the police department probably wouldn't pick up the case because Selena and Nicole are so close in age. Do I really want to see an 11 year old arrested? I don't know. My daughter does. Plus, there would be a forensic interview and Nicole would have to tell what happened word for word. No questions would be asked. She's in no shape to do that. She told me she's trying as hard as possible to forget what happened.

I feel helpless, angry, confused

 

[Deleted member 28403]

It truly isn't your fault that it happened, no matter how watchful a person is, you aren't omnipotent, and you aren't all seeing, you cannot protect everyone from everything. Don't blame yourself for it, please. You are a human being.

I recommend slowing down with questions, and maybe making it in as comfotable of an environment as possible. Give her breaks, ask her when she I ready to talk more, give her treats and similar. I'm truly sorry for what happened.

Just be with her through it, make sure she knows that she can rely on you, and that it's in no way her fault. It's good you found out early. And with theraphy. Sending hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Heather]

I think I seriously need to get ahold of my anger. I let my daughter sleep over at Brianna's house and it's right across the street from where we use to live (where the abuse happened). As I was passing the house I saw Selena's mom on the front porch and I gave her the finger.

It was dark. I doubt she saw me but my rage was so intense I couldn't help myself. I truly believe that she didn't know what was happening upstairs in her house. However, I still blame her. If she wasn't so damn busy being on the f##king phone sitting on the front porch all the time maybe she would have known what vile acts her daughter was committed.

I don't think any sleep is going to happen tonight :(.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I understand the rage, it comes from regret over the past actions and inactions that cannote be undone, but please, try to forgive yourself, it is not your fault, it could've happened to anyone. I went through that sort of stuff, and look at me, I'm functioning, I'm alive, and I'm not angry at anyone for what happened. Your daughter doesn't blame you, she is not angry at you, though it was an unpleasant experience.

Maybe to get some sleep medications would be a good idea, you need emotional stability for the upcoming days, and for that you need sleep. Also, try to keep in your mind, that although what her daughter did looks as evil, and absolutely bad, it probably didn't come to her mind by itself, and she was just displaying symptoms of previous abuse.

Try to do some grounding exercises in the meantime and calm down, and think it through.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I went through something similar with both of my children and the feeling of having failed as a mother to protect them was huge and I was so guilt ridden that I attempted suicide but could not go through with it.

This happened so many, many years ago. I got them the best therapist I could find and I made police reports on both predators.

The lesson I learned that has impacted me the most is that when the worst thing in the world happens, I can survive it and change accordingly. My heart goes out to all of you and want you to know that you are a good mother who is fighting back hard now. I pray this tragic situation brings healing and closure to you and your daughter.

 

[ms spock]

I send you my best wishes @Heather.

I really feel for you pain, anger, rage and upset.

It is a really difficult thing that you are dealing with at this time.