Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Heather]

@Ms Spock and @gizmo thank you both for your kind words of support. I don't know what will happen as I have yet to hear if the police department will pick this up. The DCF case worker said my daughter and Selena are very close in age and they may chalk it up to "experimentation". Which if you ask me is completely absurd! I am outraged.

I don't know what I want. Do I think an 11 yr old girl should be arrested? I don't know. But something must be done so she NEVER, EVER does this again to another child.

I'm just so angry. I can't see straight.

 

[ms spock]

If she was doing it and instructing the other children to not tell - then the chances that she has been sexually abused are really high. And she may still be being sexually abused.

An 11 year being arrested for doing illegal activities is a good thing in my eyes, if my father had been arrested when he was a kid doing what he was doing to other kids, all our lives would be better off. Even if it doesn't go through to court at least she gets a big "This is not acceptable behaviour!" And whoever is abusing her is more likely to get caught. She will spill the beans if she is questioned and this could stop a whole lot of other children being sexually abused by whoever is assaulting her, and it will stop other children from being sexually abused by her. I say say yes to an arrest. And it will help to make sure that she doesn't get in a position to have children in her care later on. Future vulnerable children need to be protected as well.

Are you in therapy for this? It is important that you work it out with a therapist rather than ask your daughter a few too many questions. She will need space to work it out as well. Yes she needs to process and heal - but it has to be done in her time frame and not to meet the needs of the adults around her.

It is the worst position to be in, and I feel for you! You can't be omnipotent - it is just not possible.

The other mother may not know what was going on, but she also may have known what is going on. Her daughter's arrest will certainly disabuse her of the notion that this is just a stage. If her mother is sexually abusing her - then an arrest may be her only way out.

A terribly complex situation. I often feel I say too much in these situations, but I figure more knowledge is best.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I definitely agree with you that something happened to Selena. I don't think it was her mother. I don't even think her mother knew what was going on. However, knowing the information that the DCF worker provided I am certain that Selena is telling her mom a web of lies and her mother is eating it hook line and sinker.

When we lived at that address and there was ever a problem between Selena and my daughter, her mother would always make excuses for Selena's behavior and blame Nicole. So I know whatever lie she is telling her mother she is believing it. She told the investigator that the girls were playing truth or dare and that's how some of this stuff happened. Then turned and blamed Nicole and Brianna and said they forced her. Which is total Bullsh#t!!

The investigator told me that as soon as she identified herself as DCF, Selena was hysterical crying and thought the police were going to show up. She even asked her, "do you have something to tell me and your mom?" She denied having anything to tell.

What that little girl can't deny is when the investigator goes back with the two reports and confronts her about what happened at the birthday party at my house and how she always told the girls, "don't tell". Also my daughter said Selena did it to her cousin. It also came out that Nicole saw Selena do something to Brianna in the backyard by the shed.

This is all so disgusting. I can't stand it.

It's also upsetting that the school won't do very much. Selena and Nicole are not on the same bus anymore (thank god) but they do have the same lunch hour. Nicole says she just stares at her and it makes her very uncomfortable. I told Nicole to make a face at her (sending her a message to, "leave me alone"). My daughter needs to learn to stand up for herself.

I really am glad I came back here. Where I know I can post all my hurt, anger, fear and confusion. I am getting the support that I need at this difficult time.

Thank you to everyone that has responded. I really need this now.

Thanks again.

 

[ms spock]

So the dynamic of needing to learn to lie and the need to believe the lies by Selena's mother is very interesting @Heather.

Please take extra care of yourself right now @Heather - this is one of the worst things that a mother can ever go through.

The lunch time thing is disturbing.

And the whole thing of her crying hysterically and thinking the police are turning up is highly concerning but also really good to know that she knows it is so wrong. Who the hell has their claws in to this child?

You must do every bit of self care and self compassion that you can do Heather as this is a marathon and not a sprint. I just learnt a new skill Self Compassion, and I specially wanted to share it with you today. A mother who has just found out her daughter has been sexually abused really needs this http://self-compassion.org/ The audio is free to listen to and/or download.

I will hold you and your daughter close to my heart today.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock in IMHO the school should make Selena sit in the principals office to eat lunch but that's wishful thinking on my part. There is a huge table where I've seen other kids eat their lunch at. Why should my daughter be subjected to seeing her again and again, everyday for the rest of the school year.

Makes me furious. When I told the school counselor at one point she shrugged her shoulders (like what are we supposed to do). I was p.o.'d to say the least. I demanded they enact the buddy system. So, that when Nicole goes to the bathroom she's with someone. That way there will be no chance she's ever alone with that little deviant.

God! I hate that my daughter has to go through this.

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock in IMHO the school should make Selena sit in the principals office to eat lunch but that's wishful thinking on my part.

I don't know how it works in the U.S, but the school would have to have some type of "Duty of Care"? Wouldn't they? How are they going to manage her not sexually acting out/and/or sexually abusing other children? Maybe even a place where your daughter can go to get some respite from seeing that girl.

I don't know what to do - possibly seek some type of legal advice and put a letter in writing asking them to outline to you in writing how they are going to prevent the sexual abuse of other children?

And what protocols will be in place to address this if it does occur?

 

[ms spock]

Why should my daughter be subjected to seeing her again and again, everyday for the rest of the school year.

She shouldn't.

Makes me furious. When I told the school counselor at one point she shrugged her shoulders (like what are we supposed to do).

Ah there has to be responsibilities for them to follow and possibly even protocols to follow. I would send a letter in writing asking clarifications of what are the possibilities and what is going to be done. Ask for the clarification of what is going to be done to support the offending girl so that she is kept contained and not acting out. How is it going to be managed that she doesn't get access to kindergarten children etc as well. You don't want to destroy that child - that will just drive the problems underground in this and other situations, but you do want a reasonable and sensible management of the situation. Shrugging the shoulders doesn't cut it.

Get a solictor to write the letters on your behalf and don't enter in to conversations yourself - you are too emotional at the moment.

I demanded they enact the buddy system. So, that when Nicole goes to the bathroom she's with someone.

That seems like a sensible precaution.

If you don't get joy with the school, then following it up with a solicitor, legal aid, rape crisis, child sexual assault centre, teacher's union and Parents and Friends Group would be the way to go, but before you do all that see what they actually end up doing. They might have some confidential stuff in place. Getting some type of advocate to negotiate on your behalf could be a wise way to go.

It is not acceptable for your daughter to feel threatened by the offending girl.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I am seeing the rape crisis counselor tomorrow will address the issue then. The school is useless. I don't know what to do.

This is somewhat off topic but ordered something on ebay for my daughter. When I was still living with Tina (Selena's mother) she used my computer to order something on ebay and never logged. So, tonight the purchase went under her account. I didn't realize I was in her account. I changed address and billing info. (was a visa gift card) but now she's gonna get email that order has been made. Tried to cancel order but seller was too late. How do I address this? Last thing in the world I want to do is talk to/or have any contact with her.

Suggestions please!

My mother said, "what's the big deal?" It's not charged to her c.c. and if she calls you don't answer the phone. This is more anxiety and I don't need that. I need to stop talking to my mother.

 

[Renestel]

Heather- okay, this is REALLY hard for me to answer, I am totally triggered by this thread and am literally trembling at this point reading through this- but that's why I'm on here, both for aid and support, but more to live out my belief that through pain you can heal some of it by passing it on and potentially preventing long term trauma in others.
Okay here goes, bear with me. This is almost word for word what happened to me when I was molested at 12. I was not molested by a man, I was molested by a 13 year old girl. She was supposed to be my best friend. I am convinced she was raped/molested by either her jerk stepfather or father. She made me dance for her, watch porn, she played "doctor" with me which was penetration with her fingers, she even said "lets play the game where we lay on the bed and act like adults". It was always, "let's play a game". and yes, she did tell me not to tell. and there were times I said it hurt and I didn't want to play anymore. she was literally reenacting what some a hole made her do, and it made her feel better to make me go through it too. ugh Im like sobbing now. The difference is this --A., I was your daughter. I was so embarrassed, confused and ashamed about the whole thing that I didn't tell my mom for a few years. You need to give your daughters friend MAD props for stepping up. It's so normal to just want to hide it. When I did tell my mom, she was so passive and so worried it would create such a "social chaos" that she did NOTHING. nothing!! I went to her, divulged the most vulnerable information and she didn't defend me , turned her back on me and I still to this day HATE her for it. I have relentless anger problems for her, my so called friend, and her molester. What mom doesn't protect their kids?! It was absolutely mind blowing, and i can tell you it changed my life forever. Depression hit, nightmares hit, so then insomnia hit, then I went to drugs, then I said okay fine I will go with what I know and became totally sexually active, drunk all the time, dated bad people and now I have such bad nightmares I am petrified of sleeping as an adult. All I can tell you from my personal trauma experience is FIGHT. By all means necessary, protect your daughter. Maybe no sleepovers right now is a good idea no matter who with. I would suggest talking to I think you said "selena"s mom-I know that is NOT an easy task, but like I said you are in a full fledged battle right now. Your daughter was violated. It's at least worth trying. Past that, fight the system, call them every day, I don't care if this girl is 11-12 and goes to jail she is wrecking young peoples virginity and youth. She sounds evil/damaged and something big needs to happen. It will just continue otherwise.
As for asking your daughter too many questions- yes do this very carefully, and I would probably leave this to a professional. You are potentially what my therapist says "re-traumatizing" her by making her keep going through it again and again, and believe me that is very painful and not helpful in any way. I know you are trying to get answers and just help, but when it comes to assault, be careful. The fact that I am literally going through tremors and tears just writing about this and its been 24 years should give you some credibility as to how serious this stuff can be. Thanks for coming on here and asking for help and being a better mom than mine was.

 

[ms spock]

And anyone - even Selena's mother - needs to be treated with utmost caution from now on - you daughter must not be left alone with anyone connected to Selena and her mother in anyway - you may not think someone is a child sex offender - and most people don't think child sex offender is a child sex offender and that is why they get away with it.

 

[Heather]

Wow @Renestel I am sorry you had to endure that as a child. I'm even sorrier that when you found the strength and courage to tell your mom did nothing.

Nicole will be going to therapy 2x's a week for the for at least the next several months. I am also going to push for intensive trauma therapy for her. It's 6 - 8 wks of talking about the trauma over and over again. It will help her get it out and ultimately heal.

I am NOT going to talk to Tina. I'm not ready for that and don't know if I ever will be. I am so angry when it comes to her that I can't see straight.

The rape crisis advocate did tell me that the police are waiting until the DCF caseworker finishes her investigation before they decide what to do. She will be back at my house and Tina's on Friday. I'd like to be a fly on the wall in that house when she confronts Selena with everything that the girls have reported. There's no way she can talk/explain her way out of this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When my daughter was in high school, her boyfriend made a threat to her about cutting her throat. So we went to court and got a restraining order against him and the school was forced to enforce the protection order and keep him far away from her. Lucky he was young enough and learned that he was in the wrong to make threats. He apologized to my daughter when they bumped into each other as adults. The school guards were notified about the order and had to enforce it or they would have consequences so mabe you can think about this one. Just my experience I am sharing.