Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[Suzetig]

What an awful situation to be in, I can see how much you want to make the right decisions for your girl, to keep her safe and help her heal. It sounds like you're doing a great job of coping with your own pain while making hard decisions about what happens next for your daughter. It wasn't your fault this happened, you couldn't have foreseen it or prevented it. You didn't fail her.

Try not to give thought to the other girl - if it's been going on for 2 years, she was just 9 which is very young and does suggest she's possibly been abused herself. None of that is your concern, you don't need to feel any empathy for her at all, it's so natural that you would be angry, want to see her punished etc but letting the idea that she's carrying on as usual swirl around your head will drive you crazy. In her own way she's vulnerable too and other people need to help her - try to focus your attention on what your child needs and let other people worry about the other girl.

 

[Heather]

@Suzetig You are right ruminating about it is just going to drive me crazy.

I've said this before that the svu detective pretty much thinks that Selena was abused and that's why she's acting this out on the other kids.

My therapist asked me an interesting question: she wanted to know if I would feel any justice if it turns out that she was abused and THAT PERSON ends up going to prison.

Would I feel any satisfaction/relief if that was the outcome?

Truthfully, I don't know how I'd feel. I'm so angry at Selena most of the time I can't see straight.

 

[ghotiff]

she is out playing like nothing is wrong....

I've said this before that the svu detective pretty much thinks that Selena was abused and that's why she's acting this out on the other kids.

You don't know how she is feeling behind closed doors. If she was abused then she like learnt to hide her true self and have a false self for the rest of the worlds viewing.

Another thing to consider....it sounds like Selena's mum is in denial about what she did. This means she is likely also in denial about the abuse to Selena. It is very possible that Selena is still being abused. (My abuse was outside the home, my parents chose denial, and it went from 7yrs old to 15yrs old).

If she was abused and not protected, and is now seeing other kids protected that must really hurt. If she is still being abused then this would be even more hurtful. I can not see a situation where she is not hurting, what you see is only her external self.

I say this not so you "care" about Selena, but in the hope that you can let go some of the anger so you have more energy for yourself and your daughter.

 

[Heather]

@ghotiff I am sorry for what you went through as a kid.

I don't know where her (Selena) abuse took place or when. But the consensus is: she was being molested by someone too. Now that the authorities are involved I think the likelihood of it still continuing is minimal.

As far as Selena's mother is concerned. She will do anything and everything to protect her daughter. So much so that she is dragging mine and my daughter's name through the mud. Making us look as bad as possible. For the entire time we lived there, everything was my daughter's fault. Every fight they had, it somehow ended up Nicole was the cause.

I think you are right, that Selena's mother doesn't want to know about her daughter's role in this. And I can just imagine what her mother is telling her. Selena KNEW what she was doing was wrong because she repeatedly told the kids, "don't tell". That's what makes me the angriest.

I think you are right when you talk about my anger. Being this mad all the time is exhausting. It's something I have to work on and will continue to think about your words in this post.

Thank you.

Heather

 

[Suzetig]

She may not have known it was wrong, it's entirely possible she was told "not to tell" and was simply copying that along with other aspects of abuse. The involvement of child protective services might mean whatever is happening with her will stop, but it's no guarantee especially if her mum us in denial. Which doesn't minimise the impact on your daughter at all but might help you let some of the anger ease.

 

[Heather]

@Suzetig my head understands what you are saying. I just wish I could explain it to my heart.

My number one goal as Nicole's mom was to keep her safe and I didn't do that. And no matter how many people tell me it's not my fault. The guilt is all consuming.

I respectfully disagree with you when you say she may not have known it was wrong. That kid isn't stupid. She's outspoken and very bossy. She would even go as far as smacking Brianna (the other victim) across the face and threatening her not to tell. She very well may have been acting out her own abuse BUT she knew what she was doing was WRONG.

I don't want my child to suffer like I did as a kid. And she is suffering. And no matter what I do, I can't ease her pain and as a parent that is the worst feeling in the world. To not be able to make it better.

This is not easy.

 

[ms spock]

You are catastrophising about this when you say no matter what you do you can't ease her pain. This is not true. You have eased her pain, and you continue to ease her pain. That her pain continues to rise is not a fault of yours - it just means that she needs more soothing and care.

To think that you can do something and it will be fixed is not realistic. To have that expectation or fantasy will make both you and Nicole unhappy. A more realistic way to look at it is that things will be up and down for awhile - and that this is a normal part of the journey, rather than any failing of you as a Mother.

It is really important to separate out what happened to you as a child and what happened to Nicole - very different stories.

You are overlaying your feelings and perceptions over what you think Nicole is going through - in that way you will not be there for your daughter if you are actually reliving your own stuff. She may or may not feel about things in a similar or dissimilar to you - but your thinking is rumination and it is stopping you from being present in what is actually happening for Nicole right now. She is not you and you are not her.

This situation is certainly not easy and for that you really need tons and tons of Self Compassion - which is a really good skill to learn so you can teach it to your daughter at some point.

Selena is not an adult - she is 11 years old? You are ascribing adult behaviours, thoughts and motivations to her which is not wise, she hasn't gone along the developmental phases to do some of the things that you are attributing to her, and you don't know if the abuse is still going on or not - and even when child services gets involved it does not mean that her sexual abuse will end - I can attest, personally, to that not always being the case, as in my own family experience.

It would be so hard not to slip into rumination in this situation, but for Nicole's sake you need to fight it off and bust those distorted cognitions.

You really, really need to take care of yourself, and go to hospital if you are still hearing voices. Rather than having you totally lose it and self harming or being committed - as this will be much more damaging to Nicole, rather than saying you are unwell and need time to heal and will be back soon - few weeks or months.

You are much better to your daughter if you care for yourself - which then you are modelling best practice for her in self care.

 

[ms spock]

Selena is 11 1/2 years old. My anger towards this kid is two-fold: What she was doing, she knew was wrong because she told the kids, "don't tell". Second, she is out playing like nothing is wrong.... Can just imagine what her mother is telling her. This makes me nuts and I've had a very hard time holding it together.

The logic of thinking that her telling other kids to "Don't tell" does not mean she knew what she was doing was wrong - that is faulty logic processed from an adult perspective. She most likely, was purely have been acting out what was being done to her. (99.99%) Especially in the light of the fact that she started doing those behaviours at age 9.

There is no way that behaviour comes out of the blue and from nowhere. And under 10 they have no ability to form the mens rea for a crime - the law understands that they don't have the mental capacity - well that is in Australia, anyway.

She is not playing outside like nothing is wrong - she is living in the same hellish world that she lived in previously - most likely dissociated and not really present but going through the motions. The only thing is that you now know what is wrong with that picture.

You are torturing yourself with these ruminations, and that is not helpful for you or for Nicole in the long run.

For all you know her Mother's Mother is her abuser or her Mother's Father - you just don't know who the abuser is - they are often people we like very much and spend time with and don't understand what they are like with children.

 

[Heather]

Plain and simple, I don't agree with you. She knew exactly what she was doing was wrong and when confronted by the DCF worker tried to turn it around and blame my daughter and the other little girl involved. Saying that THEY forced her. She outweighs them both by at least 40lbs.

She is doing everything and anything to shift blame and responsibility.

You are right. I don't know if abuse is still happening or not. That is for DCF and authorities to sort out.

But the way that this has been handled: my daughter being implicated as a willing participant and not a victim and my name being dragged through the mud. That is all Selena's mother's doing. She will do any and everything to take the heat off of her daughter and place it elsewhere.

That was the scenario the entire time we lived there.

I agree with you that she was acting out from what was done with her. This realization however offers me NO comfort. And she is playing outside like nothing is wrong because her mother is not accepting any responsibility for this and is probably telling her daughter the same thing.

This is just pissing me off. I am done.

 

[Heather]

If I came off as being nasty I apologize. It is 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. I woke up pissed off. Not having a good night.

I do agree with you @Ms Spock I am not helping myself by dwelling on Selena and if she is or is not suffering too. But it's very hard for me to give a shit about her when I see how much this has hurt my daughter.

I need to find a way to deal with my anger in a constructive way.

I know you all are trying to be helpful..... This is just hard on me.

 

[ms spock]

I do get that it is really hard on you @Heather. I really do get that. I am just trying to break apart the thinking that will potentially cause you a lot of pain (and thus cause Nicole) a lot of pain over time.

Of course you need to vent as well - I get that as well.

But when such a trauma has occurred going on those downward spirals can be dangerous of those that have PTSD.

 

[Heather]

@Ms Spock I know you are trying to be helpful and you have helped A LOT and I so appreciate it. But right now I don't want to hear about Selena. My mind can't go there. Maybe in the future.

I don't find it helpful. And quite frankly I don't care if she is suffering. All I can see is the damage and pain that she has caused Nicole and Brianna.

I'm not ready to look at her as a victim. I just can't. IT'S TOO MUCH.

I need to come her rant, vent and get it all out. This is my place to do that.

I so appreciate your help and input it has been invaluable.

But I need to let you know where I'm at. I hope you can understand that and not take offense.