Sexual Assault Just Found Out My Daughter Was Molested

[ms spock]

There was an article in the Sydney Morning Herald this weekend about children sexually abusing other children at school @Heather. Just so you know that you are not alone. They commented that often the victim left the school and the perpetrator stayed.

 

[Suzetig]

@anonymous, exposing children to or allowing them to watch pornography is a form of sexual abuse. Children are likely to reenact what they see if they watch porn because that's one of the key ways they learn things, by watching and copying others behaviour.

 

[anonymous]

I definitely agree that children happening upon porn on the internet (on their own) is society abusing them in a sense. Thats what happened with some of these children. Adults and others weren't involved in any way. Anyway. I didn't want to get into an analyses of the causes and rather was trying to say to Heather than there can be lots of causes and its better not to spend too much time trying to figure it out. The really important thing is that Heather needs to take care of herself. And that she is allowed her anger. Its a separate issue to the why and the what, Much support to you Heather. And to your daughter.

There is much safety and goodness in the world and many who can be trusted. Things will settle with time. A move is a good start.

 

[Heather]

I ended up NOT taking Nicole to the party. I had my mother do it. I made her commit to saying that she'd stay the whole time and not just drop her off and leave.

After the party I reluctantly let her go over to her friends house (that lives in the old neighborhood) but I made my mom promise that she would talk to the dad and make sure Selena, is to be NO WHERE AROUND MY DAUGHTER. Luckily, it is getting dark. So, they'd be inside anyway.

I refuse to go over there anymore. Just can't do it. So, he agreed to drive Nicole back to our place. I do trust them but it bothers me immensely that he not only allows his daughter to play with Selena but go into her house as well. He is fully aware of the situation. Which says to me, "I am not taking this seriously".

Especially Nicole disclosing last week about the other little girl she saw it happening to. That makes 4 kids we know of so far. F@#k!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to say to @anonymous. I fully believe that something happened to her and that's why she's acting it out of the other kids. Unless she starts talking we will never know where it's coming from.

Well, I have a lot of trouble believing: that there is much safety and goodness in the world...... My world is not safe and there's been little good in the past 2 months. I have a very skewed view right now but from what we went through, I'm not surprised by it.

 

[ms spock]

It is great that you took care of yourself as well as your daughter! Great strategy!

 

[Heather]

They commented that often the victim left the school and the perpetrator stayed.

This is exactly what happened and it's NOT fair to my daughter. We've had to change everything. School, friends she can hang out with and the perpetrator gets to go on with life as usual. MADDENING.

Every time I think I'm ok. Something or someone says something and it sets me off all over again.

Another member posted that those that are taught about prevention of sexual abuse at an early age are two steps ahead of the game. Are they? How many kids get abused for years and years....never saying anything. My daughter was taught about stranger danger.

The hard lesson I've learned is that it's NOT the strangers you have to watch out for.....it's the people you are close to, those you think you know and can trust.

How am I suppose to trust anyone after this? I don't want to leave my daughter with anyone....even those I've known for years. Are they gonna take care of her and watch her, keeping her safe? The way that I would, if she was here at home with me? I don't know anymore.

It made me uneasy to let her go over to her friends house after the birthday party but I know if I limit her contact with her friends....that punishes her. She's done nothing wrong. Thankfully the parents were receptive and said Selena would be know where near her or else I wouldn't have let her go.

I hate that this is our life. I've said it 100 times on here and it doesn't make it any less true.

My daughter came to me AGAIN tonight and said she felt miserable. She's been sleeping with me again. She was in her bed until all of this came out.

The hardest part of being a parent is seeing your child in pain and there's NOT a damn thing you can do to make it go away.

And it makes me sad that she doesn't want to hang with Brianna anymore. I feel such a close connection to her because she disclosed to me what was going on. I just want to protect her too. But I told Nicole I wouldn't make her play with someone if she didn't want to.

I just want things to be better NOW and this whole thing to be resolved NOW. Patience is not one of my strong suits.

It just hurts. Plain and simple.

End of rant.

 

[Casey_03]

Are there any support groups for child/teen victims of sexual abuse near where you live? Or any groups where your daughter could talk openly about what happened with others who have gone through the same thing? It seems like that might be immensely helpful, even moreso than seeing a trained therapist, because talking to her peers who have gone through similar things might help ease up her anxiety or at least let her feel less alone ... Though I guess maybe such groups are hard to come by.

 

[Heather]

@Casey_03 The rape crisis advocate was supposed to look into that....but haven't heard from her lately. Probably should follow up.

I had a meltdown today in a store. Someone said something to me (nothing mean) and I just burst into tears. They felt so bad, they ended up giving me hugs.

When the emotions get to much, the tears come and I can't control it. No matter how much I try, they just flow.

My daughter has been invited to another birthday party by a kid at her new school. I don't know about this. I barely know him and have never even met his parents. My therapist says I need to let her continue with normal teen activities: like going to birthday parties. But I don't even know these people.

My whole view of the world has been turned upside down and I don't know how to trust ANYONE. And it scares the shit out of me that she's gonna be hurt again and I won't be there to protect her. I know I can't be there 24/7 but even "low" risk situations at this point scare me.

Not sure what I'm gonna do. I guess I could let her go, go inside with her, meet the parents, check out the place...see what the vibe is and then get the phone number and call to make sure she is ok. But I have a feeling if things AREN'T ok at the party....she'd never admit it. That's what scares me.

This experience of abuse for her: has left her so secretive and ashamed. My heart breaks for her.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@ Heather
I replied to a different thread and asked some questions and you mentioned this thread.
I am so sorry for your daughter and the other little girls, including Selina. I know that might be difficult for you to hear but it sounds like she was reenacting what she experienced. Has her mother been reported to the police? I hope so.
My daughter was molested when she was 8 and it was my biggest fear come true. She came to me early on and didn't even realize what was happening.
I can't get into details it's been almost 20 years since then and the pain, self blame and self hate for not preventing it is still raw.
I'm glad your daughter is in therapy.
I see from the post that you used to come here before. How are you holding up? Please take care of yourself so you be there for your little girl. My heart is with you.

 

[Heather]

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?????????!!!!!!!!!

Just spoke with the svu detective and they are NOT going to do anything about Selena, except therapy.

She admits to inappropriate touching and kissing but says they were playing games like "spin the bottle". She denies that she hardly ever did anything with Nicole. And denies everything that Brianna has said. About her smacking her in the face, throwing her down on the bathroom floor where her head smacked into the tile leaving a bump....all of it she denies!

THIS IS f*ckING BULLSH*t!

The svu detective said that he talked to Brianna's dad and he's just as upset as I am. He understands our frustration but the D.A. decided there was lack of evidence to charge her. WHAT?!?!?!

Do I want to see her in jail? Not really but IT'S NOT FAIR! I told him if this was an adult they'd be in jail. I also said, "does that little girl (meaning Selena) have any idea the damage that she has done? The pain that she has caused?

The rape crisis advocate said she'd call DCF worker and find out exactly what kind of therapy she's getting. I told her, "I can tell you now, it's not gonna be offender therapy".

She needs to understand what she did and take responsibility for it! She is a sick and troubled kid.

I haven't decided if I'm gonna tell Nicole about this or not..... I just think it'll make Nikki feel worse. Like Selena's getting away with it, with no consequences. And that's basically what's happening.

GOD, THIS IS JUST SO MADDENING!!!!!!!

 

[Heather]

I'm losing it big time. Was doing dishes and most were filled with water. The water spilled out all over the floor, creating a HUGE mess. Nicole heard it and just continued to sit there.

I yelled at her to come and help me.....Way too harsh. She went running into her room in tears. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I need to get a grip big time. But she pisses me off so much. Whenever I need help, she doesn't pitch in.

About a month ago, was eating cereal on her bed. She spilled the bowl with the milk all over the bedspread. What a huge mess. She went into the bathroom and started getting ready for school. Never even attempted to help clean up....... She makes me so damn angry.

My anger is out of proportion to the situation. I am pissed, no OUTRAGED. That nothing is going to happen to Selena and I'm taking it out on my daughter. It's going in the wrong direction.

I am out of control and can't stop myself...words come out of my mouth before I can stop it.

I am failing at being a good mom:(. She told me yesterday, she thinks that I only love her a little. Breaks my heart.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't know about the U.S. But in the UK criminal conviction requires there to be at least two independent sources of evidence to corroborate each other for any offence, so for example, the fact that Brianne and Nicole are making the same allegations about the same person isn't corroboration. Nicole making an allegation and there being conclusive physical evidence would be, or there being an independent witness of what happened would be. It's the reason that sexual offences are notoriously hard to convict, because it's generally one persons word against another and medical evidence is very hard to obtain and is generally not irrevocable proof.

It's maddening and painful but it doesn't mean Nicole wasn't believed, just that without proof they can't prosecute. I hear you say you don't want Selina in jail, but what do you want? I'm just not sure what justice would look like for you - there no doubt all children involved need therapeutic support, I don't know what you mean by "offender therapy", any therapy would support individuals to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviours - it's a keystone of therapy that people take ownership of their own stuff.

I get how painful this is, but am not sure that anything would be enough for you to feel your daughters pain had been recognised and justice served.