Just Need To Express Myself

[PreciousChild]

Hello. I don't post often. I don't think I have anything that unique to post except that it's about me, and I needed to express myself to an audience that could relate. I definitely have ptsd. Until very recently, my one recurring nightmare involved my dad chasing me to hurt me somehow. In one nightmare, I decided that the only way to escape him was by blowing myself up with a bomb. I hear that depression is like rage turned inwards, so that's a perfect metaphor. The other night though, I actually dreamt about my dad without having him chase me down. I thought that was a positive ste. I've been pretty dull for pretty much the whole summer, but the last few weeks have been particularly bad. Mostly, I feel alone and my son who's a tween is needing me less. I'm a single mom, and I sacrificed a lot in the past decade to ensure he grew up with stability (his dad is an addict). I'm really happy that his dad has somewhat stayed in his life, and is now on good footing with my son. I prioritized their relationship and always tried to encourage a connection. My son is also disabled, so I spent many years finding the right therapies for him, spent a lot of time and energy supporting his special needs, which have helped a lot. He pretty much passes for a quirky, but normal kid. Part of what I'm feeling right now I think has to do with the fact that I put off so much of my life for so long. I don't regret any of it, but I still can't help feeling resentful. Also, one dramatic thing happened to my family last year - my mom was murdered in a violent, brutal way. It's something that haunts me.

I was clinically depressed in college, but haven't had a major case of it since then. Mostly feelings of being blue. But lately, I can feel the depression in my brain and heart. Outwardly though, I'm still holding it together. Funny enough, it's forced me to slow down. I've been less critical of my son, which has been the case lately due to my feelings of resentment. I think that's actually not a bad thing. But I don't think it's good overall. I don't want this feeling to get any worse.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Sometimes, dreams we have can focus on our loved ones personal demons (issues). I have had a few disturbing dreams involving my father's alcoholism.

 

[Kailani]

Anyone would be depressed having PTSD and then having their mom violently murdered. That's normal. I am soooooooo sorry that happened to you!!!!!!!!!!! It's hard when your roles change as a mom too. It might be helpful to also join a support group for grief especially for your situation. It might also help for you to pick up something that makes you feel good ; an exercise class, Sierra club walking group, meet up group, scrapbook ing, photography.... When I was going through my worst period of grief lost several family members, I made sure to walk outside each day, nature helped me and the sun, and the exercise. I just kept trying to once in awhile go out with friends and plan a vacation and within 3 years the grief subsided. They say it can take 3 years. Having ptsd made it harder; dissociating... I wish the best for you and know you are supported here.

 

[PreciousChild]

Anyone would be depressed having PTSD and then having their mom violently murdered. That's normal. I a...

Thanks Kailani. I can't really think it away. I do need to be proactive. I tried to find grief counseling, but they seemed to be mostly for parents of children and victims of domestic abuse. I do see a therapist which is not the same, but has helped. I do try to be active also.

After I posted, I did feel a lot better the next day. One way that I think I've progressed is that I recover a lot quicker.

Anyone would be depressed having PTSD and then having their mom violently murdered. That's normal. I a...

Thanks Kailani. I can't really think it away. I do need to be proactive. I tried to find grief counseling, but they seemed to be mostly for parents of children and victims of domestic abuse. I do see a therapist which is not the same, but has helped. I do try to be active also. I'm glad you were effectively able to deal with your grief. I don't even know if I'm still in mine or not. I feel like I won't know, like you say, in 3 years.

After I posted, I did feel a lot better the next day. I'm grateful for that.

Thanks Whispering truth. I guess dreams are pretty common for someone with ptsd.