General Just Need To Vent - Will I Get Back the Man I Married?

[heartbroken]

I've showed up here once or twice before, but haven't posted much. My husband is currently being treated for PTSD after returning from Iraq. Fortunately, he's non-deployable for the moment. Unfortunately, he's on recruiting duty now, working ridiculous hours under a dictator boss who doesn't understand the need for him to have time for anything except work. He has his good and bad days as far as the PTSD goes. Some days you can barely tell it's there. Others, he is distant and detached and doesn't seem like he cares about anybody or anything. Those days, he usually throws himself into his job. He's had a string of bad days recently. I tried to call him and tell him that all I needed was to know that he still cared. I was crying into the phone and desperate for some sort of feedback from him. Instead, he told me he couldn't talk because his boss may think he didn't care about the contract they just wrote. It all but killed me inside to hear him tell me that he was more concerned that his boss thinks he gives a crap than for his WIFE to think he gives a crap. I know sooner or later he will have a good day. He will apologize all over the place, and we will talk about it, and everything will be fine again. But until then, I feel completely abandoned and unwanted. My question is, when does it end? When do I get the man that I married back? I am sitting here right now, fighting the urge to pack up my things and leave him. I know it's not him - it's the illness. But it gets harder and harder to accept that every time this happens. If anyone has been through this before (and I'm sure some of you have) I would really appreciate some suggestions on what to do. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and there's a good chance he won't do anything about it until it's too late.
Sorry to whine. It's just been a really rough few days and I didn't know who else may be able to help.

 

[Kathy]

Hello Heartbroken, lovely to see you posting once more. If your husband is being treated for PTSD, perhaps his psychiatrist can help to have him placed in a less stressful environment with shorter hours? Or even for him to go on a sick leave? PTSD is a disability and if he has been diagnosed formerly this should be an option!

I do feel for your situation, what you have described is very typical PTSD behaviour, and it is far from easy to deal with. I wonder though about the phone conversation you described. Were you calling him during his work? Perhaps try calling when he is having a break of some sort, it may be easier on you in the long run and less pressure on him. I know whenever my husband was working and I rang him, he was very abrupt with me, sometimes not even saying goodbye! He is also military, though retired.

My question is, when does it end? When do I get the man that I married back? I am sitting here right now, fighting the urge to pack up my things and leave him.

Unfortunately, PTSD is a permanent disability, there is no cure. You will not get back the man you married. With proper treatment and working hard upon himself, your husband can learn to manage his PTSD quite nicely, you will see vast improvements, however it will always be there, and there will always be the chance of relapse. I am sorry to be so blunt as I know you are hurting terribly, however this is a very important truth that you must accept, should you wish to continue your relationship. You are in it for the "long haul", so to speak.

Please feel free to come here to vent anytime Heartbroken. Do not think you are sounding whiny, you are in pain currently. Better to talk about it than let it fester inside of you. Take good care.

 

[seriously]

I very much understand the way you feel.

He is in a very high pressured job right now. So is my dh. That adds a lot to the flames.

When you called him was he working late? My thinking is that kind of talk should not be held while they are in that atmosphere. But at least he did not tell you he didn't know if he still loved you. So for me that may be a good thing. (Remember I am trying to get thru all of this myself too. I'm learning a lot from the people on this board. So my advice may not be all that valuable but I am trying to reach out to someone who is also in need.:Hug_emoticon:)

You are with him right now. It may be a very long road ahead. Are you willing to walk it? For me, I most definitely am. We have been thru so much together already, have two children, and lots of memories only we share. That's a lot to lose no matter what I may have to go thru to help get him better-not cured, just better.

Sending you another :Hug_emoticon: because you sound like you are in as much of need of one as I am.

 

[wildcritter44]

hang in there

Hi Heartbroken,

:Hug_emoticon: Hugs, The best most of us can say is: hang in there. We all have good days and bad days with our PTSD sufferer.
Learning the "triggers" are helpful, but anything can happen anytime. Simple frustration on their part, can be a major issue with lots of fall out.

Fri/Sat was rangers bad days, it happened to be simple frustration and a feeling of helplessness. We are fighting the VA for a 100% disability. He takes 7-8 different medications for physical pain and his PTSD.

Unfortunately, Kathy said a very true statement... The man you married and the man that came back from Iraq will never truly be the same again. He's seen and/or done to many things that has changed him forever. He may not even truly realize it just yet. :dontknow:

If you love him, get some help for yourself and then maybe you can help him as well. I have felt at different times that I am loosing it, but somehow I hang in there and fight more battles for ranger, maybe helping him helps me stay strong or maybe I am just a stubborn Irish female...

I wish I could help by saying or doing something that would be an answer for our selves and our sufferers... I just am another spouse of a PTSD sufferer trying to survive and helping him to survive as well....

Hang in there... We say our prayers and hope someone is listening..................:Hug_emoticon:

Take Care
Donna
aka/wildcritter