General Just Need To Vent

[Sephira]

I know I'm new here but I feel like if I don't get this out, I'm going to scream at my sufferer, which is so terrible to say but he's driving me crazy at the moment. Since he's still "in the field' daily (he hasn't left his combat job) he is always under so much stress.

This morning he called and I asked him how his night went. He said okay, and I asked him if he wanted to tell me more. He got really upset with me saying he didn't like my tone, and that I had no social skills whatsoever, that I didn't know how to act like a nice girlfriend.

Then he tells me that my kindness is an act, and when I let my guard down I'm an a**hole." Then he says, sorry, don't mean to mince words but it's true. I apologized right away for my tone, and he sighs which is his signal for "you're wearing me out, shut it".

It just seems like I'm always apologizing for the most minor infractions, begging for forgiveness to keep him from losing his temper and disappearing for days. It's exhausting tbh.

I know after reading here, tone and space are important. In the past, when he's been so distant for weeks at a time, I've told him I'd like attention, but I've never screamed at him or been nasty, though sometimes short. I know now those times probably made his stress cup overflow, but have been trying so hard lately. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but he keeps saying I'm such a jerk and I'm starting to really wonder if it's me that causes all the problems like he says. Thick skin like a rhino i know, but day after day it gets to you. Just don't know what to say or do anymore to make him stop being so mean and resentful. Anyway, thanks for listening everyone.

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[Nicolette]

Hang in there Sephira!

 

[Sephira]

Thanks for fixing my post Nicolette! I've been up all day doing a project so my writing skills probably aren't that great today.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey Sephira,

Hang in there, get all the info you can from here, you are not alone.

 

[Supercd]

I don't want to mince words here but name-calling is not appropriate at all. You are allowed to express yourself without being put down for it.

That does not add up. You are not to blame for how he feels.

Yes the stress cup analogy is accurate and he may be over stressed by the slightest things that is not your responsibility it is his. You are not to blame for his feelings.

If I were you I would not even have that conversation with him. If he is not willing to talk minus name calling and blaming then have the conversation another time.

The best thing I did for myself is get rid of that walk on eggshells sensation. It's still very hard but open and honest communication is key.

It's not your fault. He is an adult capable of managing his feelings without verbally assaulting. It sounds like he is using you to vent instead of tell you how he feels rationally.

No social skills, fake kindness, asshole, can't be a good girlfriend: those are all verbal assaults. Hang up and walk away until he can be rational is the best advice I can give you.

 

[Sephira]

Thank you for the kind responses everyone!

When he acts that way, do I say immediately "This hurts my feelings, please stop. Name calling is unacceptable?" Or do I wait until he is in a good place to discuss how he makes me feel? I don't want to trigger him, but you're right Supercd, I always feel like I'm on eggshells.

The worst part is, I'm sitting here upset that I've upset *him* which I will most likely dwell on all day. I hate it when he is angry with me.

 

[Supercd]

What I will do is if I am having a conversation with my husband that starts to turn hostile I will say something like "I appreciate that you are feeling upset right now and I am happy to talk about it when you feel like you can discuss this rationally instead of venting anger and insults at me. Then we can discuss it. Goodbye."

Then I walk away.

If you say that it hurts your feelings you want him to stop it will not get very far. It may make it worse.

What I say above draws a boundary. I will not communicate with my husband if he does not want to be respectful. I can't make him be respectful. I can say that I won't stand there.

He is not often and does not cross the line when it does but it does happen. I think everybody who lives with PTSD can see the monster once in a while. It is just a matter of setting firm boundaries to deal with that.

It made life a lot easier to just not deal with it. That is an option! I don't have to stand there and listen to verbal diarrhea. Either do you.

The Sidran institute and Patience Mason have a lot of good articles on their site. On there is a PDF that talks about combat PTSD: if a person's heart rate is above 120 beats per minute they can't think rationally.

Why have a conversation with someone so spitting mad that they can't use higher cognitive abilities?

For me it was not worth it. There was no rationality. It was like arguing with a 3 year old.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"You're condescending you have no social skills you're an asshole and you suck as a girlfriend!"

Does that response make any sense to you? It doesn't make sense to me.

I say this stuff a lot. About boundaries.

I think it's really important for supporters New to the game so to speak to understand how to draw boundaries. So you don't get caught up in the Blame and Shame Game.

 

[Sephira]

I'm just trying to imagine if I said to him "I'm going to hang up until you can discuss this rationally, goodbye." He would freak out. It would lead to more insults, more accusations of bitchiness, him saying I'm not nice, I have no clue what he needs, and that I'm too much. Then he would swear, and threaten to break up with me which would lead to me spending an entire morning trying to convince him to stay.

He knows I love him to distraction, and he knows I've put up with a great deal of bad behavior in the past. Sometimes I think he really takes advantage of that fact. He always makes me feel that I need to be perfect. When I say, all couples fight sometimes he says "WE shouldn't-I treat you well. You have nothing to be upset about. He honestly believes he treats me well, and he does when *he* is well.

I guess I feel like I always need to be perfect-no mistakes and even on my best days I'm a little short of the mark.

Sorry for the rant, just having a yuck day :(

 

[Supercd]

I'm just trying to imagine if I said to him "I'm going to hang up until you can discuss this rationally, goodbye." He would freak out. It would lead to more insults, more accusations of bitchiness, him saying I'm not nice, I have no clue what he needs, and that I'm too much.

This has happened to me. It is not as easy as I made it out to be. When that happened I just nodded and smiled. Kept ignoring him until he was willing to speak to me without insulting me or screaming at me.

This is sort of a way to gauge whether or not your S/O is crossing the line. If he cannot accept a boundary. Those behaviors you have mentioned are abusive and manipulative.

Do you want to be in a relationship where you: are always at fault always to blame always in the wrong always a bitch always a bad girlfriend with a man who may not see beyond the end of his nose?

Are you are willing to live in a relationship where: he controls all of the boundaries and you exist to serve his every trigger?

PTSD is not an excuse.

You might be surprised. Often these are kinds of people who love and need their S/O but emotionally frazzled.

Sometimes they are abusers.

He could threaten or manipulate. If you stick to the gun: will not be treated abusively and disrespectfully regardless of how he responds to that.

He may just back down if you stick with it.

It is hard. I've gotten the sympathy ploy myself and that is hard to deal with. Partly because it's often the truth partly because it makes you feel like a terrible person.

The lash-out period is very common.

If I were you if he did not back down that would just signify he is not willing to treat me with respect and I would wonder why I am there to begin with.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Sephira, In my very humble opinion the advice from Supercd hits the mark spot-on.

He may throw his toys out of the pram, but when he calms down, he will see the boundaries, and respect them. Well I think so...

I hope your day gets better.. ((( hugs )))

 

[Nicolette]

While I think everyone's advice and input is fabulous; sometimes there is a time just to be supportive when someone says they are "Venting". I don't think Sephira needed the facts pointed out to her today (and she can correct me if I am wrong) but sometimes you just need to listen and let someone know that you did.

Tomorrow is a new day and I think if I was having a 'rant' that advice may be better received tomorrow or if asked for. JMHO.

 

[amethist]

Vent away Sephira, we all need to do that at times, even with something simple or not that important, as well as the big things.

Sometimes just typing it out and hitting Post reply is all that it takes, then you breath again and keep going.

What ever you need to do to feel better then do it. But remember to be nice to yourself as much as possible, it does help.

Take care.

Amethist