General Just need to vent

[Never_falter2]

Vent No. 1: We had a number of (minor) misfortunes during the last week. Nothing really big or bad... some of them even funny... well at least if you aren’t the one to whom it happens but the one who only hears the story being told.
However we are just so tired and done. ? My vet sleeps very poorly those days which means I sleep poorly too...

Vent No. 2: In my subculture it is common to visit relatives for a few days several times a year... so we did... and they wanted to go to a village fair... so that was basically us, other relatives and the relatives we visited and of course they know vet served in the military. So they all wanted go to a village fair but vet did not feel like it. So he said he would just stay there and read something. Then we all went because Vet did not want me and the kids to miss out (or did not want the kids to miss out and I did not want to leave the kids in the care of the relatives who had their own kids to watch out for). So we went, we came back and we brought him cake.
He was in the garden and played and surfed on his cell phone. He smiled when we came back, said “Thank you for the cake“ but he seemed to be so unhappy though when I discussed it with him he said it was okay and that he wasn’t.

I feel sorry for Vet because that is not the first time it happened to him and he had been looking forward to seeing them and they treat him like that. I am not sure if they understand he cannot do crowds. It took me a while till I understood because he is not very open about it...

He is always trying to be so brave. Instead of asking them to do something where he can come with us too. This is not the first time. He is always like “That’s okay. I am fine“, but I know his heart is breaking.?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I look at it this way...

If my vet went to an event that stressed him out, he’d be miserable.

If I skipped going to something because he was too stressed out to go, he’d feel guilty and it’d make him miserable.

He actually prefers when I let him stay at home in peace while I occasionally do something. Something that I think is fun, he may think is a horrible stressful situation. He doesn’t feel like he is missing out. He feels relieved he didn’t have to go and suffer.

It may be true for your husband too.

 

[Never_falter2]

Yes, this is so true. He chose not to go because he would feel miserable... which I know and I am not sure if they know but I think they could know if they would spend more thoughts on it... because why would he drive there just to sit in the garden and play with his cell phone?
Which is my point... he traveled there and sleeping in another house is always difficult for him... and he could play with his cell phone at home.

He could have asked him to do something different/go a different place but he was to shy and polite and did not want to be a burden... and he did not want me to tell them.

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit mad at them because they know he is a vet and they could have guessed he has trouble going places. It is not that uncommon after all... and i mean his behaviour - staying there in the garden - while everybody else is having fun - is pretty self-explanatory isn’t it?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Most vets don’t have PTSD honestly. The thought may never have crossed their minds, especially if they’re not familiar with it all.

 

[Never_falter2]

May be I am wrong but I think that quite a number of Vets... also the ones who do not have ptsd... do have problems with crowded places... and also lot of people who aren’t vets often do... and what other reasons should there be for his behaviour?

But then I remember I did not get the my vet has trouble with crowded places when we first met and even when I finally realized (because another vet pointed me at the possibility) my vet denied it... and I never was sure.

However I am really sad that this happened to vet because while he was smiling I felt that he was feeling very sad and I thought it wasn’t fair.

He always says he doesn’t mind and he is okay (with this or with having nightmares or whatever). He is trying to have a positive attitude which is great... but then sometimes he says this sucks and he just wants to be healthy. You know what I mean?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think it’s only something like 15-20% of vets that actually develop PTSD? I seem to remember seeing that somewhere.

I know a lot of vets that are fine with crowds. I think that it’s a personality thing... while I don’t think anybody enjoys a crowd, it just doesn’t bother a lot of people. The ones with PTSD are a different story.

Your husband is one of the vets that has PTSD, so it’s perfectly logical that he doesn’t like crowds. It could also have nothing to do with PTSD either.

I’m not a fan of crowds myself, and I don’t have PTSD. I do have GAD. I’m also introverted, and not a big fan of people in general. I also hate strangers brushing up against me and waiting in long lines. I can manage, but it’s not my favorite thing in the world. Some people hate tight spaces. Some people enjoy quiet. There are lots of reasons not to like crowds.

 

[Never_falter2]

But you agree with me that a lot of people do not like crowds. So my point is: We came to visit then and my husband didn’t want to come to the village fair... shouldn’t they have known that it was because he cannot cope with crowds? I mean: what other explanations could there be? I wonder if they didn’t wonder why he didn’t want to come.

Or do I expect too much of people? Is it unreasonable to be very sad about this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he didn’t say -why- he didn’t want to go, the though of him being uncomfortable in crowds probably never crossed their minds.

You have to remember... we live in “PTSD Land”. This stuff is ingrained in us. It’s our normal daily routine. Outsiders have no idea.

When “normal” people say they don’t want to do something, it’s usually just because they don’t feel like it... no big deal. The thought that somebody is having a mental health issue with doing a regular activity isn’t going to be anybody’s first thought.

Just remember back to before you knew about his PTSD and crowd issues... didn’t you have zero clue as well? I know I sure had plenty fly over my head.

 

[anon1234]

But you agree with me that a lot of people do not like crowds.

Supporter here....I cannot stand crowds. I hate going to the mall. I’ve been this way as long as I know. It just overwhelms.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

a lot of people do not like crowds.

But a lot of people love crowds or don't mind them. Take theme parks. Or really any place there is a crowd. There is only a crowd because a lot of people are there that aren't minding that a lot of other people are there. Right?

I mean, there could be a millon and one reasons he may not of wanted to go besides not wanting to be around a crowd. And that's even with PTSD and knowing someone has PTSD. You know? If someone doesn't know and isn't well versed in PTSD (most people) that would be the last thing that came to mind. Even knowing they are a veteran.