Just Needing Some Tlc

[Hope4Now]

This is a bald play for tender loving care (TLC). I don't think I even need advice or have any questions. I'm just in a very dark place that has lasted since last Friday when I had another hideous flashback related to repressed memory of childhood sexual abuse that came up last summer in a hideous flashback. Then another one...new again...on Saturday night. Unlike the one from the summer (which repeats daily at least), these new ones had emotion attached to them. I know this is probably good, but it is horrible too.

I am managing to keep myself from egregious self-harm and from running away (both acts of determined will). I had a tiny bit of relief on Monday when I spoke just a little of the detail of the original flashback with my therapist, and he acknowledged how hard it was for me. But since then I have been in an even darker place. I know it is because I am scared of connecting with all the experiences and emotions that I've disconnected from for 50 years, but that doesn't make it easier.

I feel like a very young, vulnerable, terrified child who has to continue doing what she has always done...take care of people, fulfill responsibilities, deal with things, survive. I am trying very hard to stay in my adult self, but it is a really sad and lonely and frightening place to be. I have almost nobody to talk to. I cannot let on to my husband how intense all this is. And for some reason I seem always to be unable to call my therapist who encourages me to do so.

So here I am asking for TLC from you all.

 

[Ellabella44]

:hug:s from someone who hates them if youll accept them.. im not sure if youre trying not to dissociate or not sorry my wires are crossed today... but if you are... have you tried something that is unique to your adult self to touch and remind you that there is an adult self? I use my rings for that and it works because i didnt have them when I had my traumas, and they are a distraction to a younger self .

 

[Kefira]

I feel like a very young, vulnerable, terrified child

I have almost nobody to talk to.

I am right there a lot of the time. Know you have people on this board who care about you and will provide support as we can. :hug:s if you'll have them. I know how lonely it can feel, but you aren't alone here and I'm sure many people can relate.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I'm sorry you feel in a dark place. Repressed flashbacks are scary when they start to come back. Yours sound worse than mine but I've had a taste of that and I feel for you. Remembering is a good sign that means you are strong enough to take this on and process things that were previously unbearable. You also might have a chance to learn about yourself from all the stuff that was hidden. This sounds like a lame "look on the bright side" comment but I hope you know what I mean. You're heading in the right direction and people here care about you.

Maybe try emailing your therapist if you can, instead of calling?

Can you get comfort from your husband without needing to explain exactly what you are experiencing? How would he feel if he knew you were hiding this from him? You should try to let him in on this when you are ready, because I would imagine he'd want to help or understand as much as he can. But I don't know your situation and maybe you have good reason to hide it. Do what you think is best.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry it's a crap day for you. I still get repressed memories and it's not interesting or welcome. But there it is and then I am the battered child who was sworn to secrecy. Just can't talk about my perp. There's a saying in AA: name it, claim it, dump it. That is what I try to do with newly emerged memories. It's not successful usually but I still chant it. Your whole system is shifting from victim to thriver. This is what you can handle, trust that if you can.

 

[Chava]

I feel like a very young, vulnerable, terrified child who has to continue doing what she has always done...take care of people, fulfill responsibilities, deal with things, survive. I am trying very hard to stay in my adult self, but it is a really sad and lonely and frightening place to be. I have almost nobody to talk to.

I can relate to this and I'm sorry it's been difficult for you recently. I can't talk to others either (partly I just can't describe what I'm experiencing, but for sure wouldn't tell my friends if I could...it is a lonely place). I think it's okay to keep to your daily things, healthy distractions while also holding gentle awareness that you are struggling...and taking care of people but also doing things to take care of you too. :hug:

 

[Rumors]

Very sorry! I could have written your post verbatim in regards to myself. Verbatim! I wish I had some words of wisdom that would relinquish you from the hurt, but I think it takes time. I hope you are able to keep talking. Keeping it hidden only gives it power or that is what I keep telling myself anyway.

I am making an effort to sit with my "child self" (ugh...that is a hard concept for me to apply bc I am such a realist) and ask her what she needs (insert feeling of awkwardness and vulnerability here). So far, she just wants me to f*ck off and leave her alone... ;) I am going to keep trying. Somehow, I have to reconcile all of this so it doesn't define me anymore. Waiting for the next memory to come back isn't much of a fun way to live life.

I am sending good thoughts to you! I hope you can find some peace.

 

[greenleaf]

:hug: I am sending good thoughts to you too. Also warmth from my cat here, and some purring.

What if you write about the trouble you have calling your T when you want to but can't, and then show your T what you wrote, during a session? It could be a way to connect the issue with support from your T, even if delayed (for now, until perhaps it feels safer to share these things differently). This might sound circuitous but someone else here suggested that as a way to help bridge some gaps sometimes and I've found it helpful for an issue this week; the "parts" language feels helpful with this stuff for me.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you everyone for responding. @Ellabella44 , @Kefira and @greenleaf thanks for the hugs. I'm one of those who will take them whenever I can get them (safely). @Ellabella44, the ring thing is a good idea.

name it, claim it, dump it

I like this. I haven't heard this. I guess I'm at the naming it stage, but not quite able to claim it or dump it. Though I'd just like to dump it and skip the middle step, but I suppose it doesn't work that way.

gentle awareness that you are struggling

Thanks for understanding Chava. Hmmm. The word "gentle" got me thinking here. Parts of me are pretty brutal on other parts.

Remembering is a good sign that means you are strong enough to take this on and process things that were previously unbearable.

@JBS thanks for reminding me of the positive side of this.
@greenleaf, I tried writing about the phone trouble. Did it as a dialogue of parts. It was rather amusing to see the arguments on paper, actually. Made the whole inner war seem less, well, fraught. I won't share it with my T, but it did help. I actually did call him last night and as tongue-tied and embarrassed as I was, it was okay. I felt better after.

I am making an effort to sit with my "child self" (ugh...that is a hard concept for me to apply bc I am such a realist)

@Rumors...well...we should talk. I am supposed to be sitting with my child self (or one of them at least, while the others watch). Argh. Have a very hard time with this. Mind don't tell me to f off, but stare at me with these shell-shocked pleading eyes. The fact that I can even generate an image of a part of myself that looks at me with eyes is bizarre enough, but the idea of interacting stretches the limits of even my prodigious imagination. I, too, have a realist part that is forever undermining the trauma therapy work.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Holy Moley @Hope4Now " I, too have a realist part that is forever undermining the trauma therapy work" why on earth do I switch off the second I sniff out a feeling that I'm dissociating at therapy. Then I waste the next 45 minutes making small talk. Then it's time to go. Then I come home and beat myself up. I am the queen in the land of avoidance.