Undiagnosed Just Starting Out

[Christian Price]

I survived a self inflicted gun shot wound when I was 16 years old through the chest. I was fortunate to survive to see another sun rise. I am 42. A year after my shooting I was dragged into the woods and told to "own it boy, you did this to yourself..no more psychologist" That was it. That was all the help I've ever gotten for my shooting and depression. Just own it.

I never thought after all of these years it would be an issue. I thought it was *normal* to taste gun powder in my mouth and see that flash of light in my eyes. I would average 4 to 5 jobs a year or go months without a job and in my 20s was homeless. People heaped insults on my life about being lazy or heaven forbid anyone find out I shot myself. That was a stress hiding this. I was in marriage counciling last year; she brought up the shooting and PTSD. Never heard of it. Told her "oh that...over a long time ago."

I am a salesman and the economy is killing me. My wife to raise extra money asked me to write a book about how/ or what saved me in the woods after the shooting. So I sat down and wrote a detail narrative with regard to the day I walked into the woods with the intent of not coming out. I thought...no problem. I woke up a sleeping giant. My book is loaded with images...one scene my character goes back to a HS reunion and images the school as cave loaded with predators waiting to pounce on him for coming back in time. He goes back into the school and his world explodes in time...

Yesterday I had to go to the hospital. I was yelling at myself to stop, to not load the rifle, I could see the action and closing down on the bullet. I was crying to not do it..... The stress of my work, the unfaced memories are debilitating me. I am under out patient care. I worry about dealing with the stress of work. I was homeless in my 20s because for reasons beyond me at the time I could not keep a job; i was riddled with anxiety at seeing suffering people....I was a nurse.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum, ((((((CP)))))) <<< that is a hug.

I'm sorry for all you have been through. What you are going through is normal when the trauma unlocks, finally.

People who try to commit suicide aren't bad, or worthless, or defective, or evil, or any of those other bull$h1t things people say about it.

They are simply people who are in unbearable pain and need relief, and we're lucky enough to have found it another way.

I was a paramedic for 9 years. I dealt with many suicide attempts, and some deaths. ...and none of them were bad people. Every one of them deserved compassion, and healing, and a life filled with joy and peace.

Your trauma likely unlocked because your psyche knows you are able to handle this stuff now. It IS painful, the symptoms really frightening. But you are not going to be held prisoner to this stuff any longer. It's a poor prize for being courageous, but that's what it is.

Because you have the strength to set this down, learn what you can, teach what you know...and change the world for the better because of it.

Better times are ahead for you. Your pain is not meaningless. Your suffering will not always feel this raw.

Keep reading, sharing, and most of all, speaking gently to yourself. We're listening.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Christian glad you're here. Very glad you're in out patient, and very sorry that you came very close to an attempt yesterday. I hope that you are getting the care you need and there's a lot of support here at the forum. Please take good care of yourself, and know that you did the right thing by going to the hospital.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Christian and welcome to the forum.

What you have been through - and the *support* you got has been horrific. Well done for being here still. I have been through nothing like you, but I did try to take my own life at the beginning of this year. I know what that feels like - and also how hard it is to survive,

I wish you well, and hope you find help and support on the forum. I know I have.

Regards
Lucy x

 

[Christian Price]

I like this place:) Just need to find my way around. Not a good day yesterday..... a wave hit me; and I felt like I was not me. I was in the trauma room and the staff were working on me. I saw the white lights hagning from the ceiling. When my wife found me; I was like a terryfied animal cornered... my mouth had a brass taste in it; its the taste of the casing. I felt drained.. this started because I did what the ER doc wanted me to do... go seek out patient care. I have no health insurance and so went to the mental health unit and they told me ONE year before I could see a doc and start me on meds. I was crushed. I moaned to my wife; I cant fight this beast for one year without help. The family councilor we are seeing is directing me to another source. This is debilitating; it cuts through my sleep.

 

[Christian Price]

If indeed it is an unlocking phase would explain why most of my life; ive been numb. Like I was shot; woke up but not all of me woke up. People all of my life have been in my face screaming at me "WTH is your problem???" I've no idea??? The last time I went through this episode 1996-1998 it left me divorced and homeless. My second wife very supportive. I am working on a follow up book; about my life as a person who survived a SI GSW post 20 years. It discusses the fully "why" and the crap stigma I've endured over the years.

One of the questions asked of me.....did you die??? I shot myself in 1986. From 1986-2010 I said "no" there were circumstantial evidence to point in to an affirmative I did lose my life that day. I always said "no" because I don't remember "dying". This sense started 4 days after my shooting. I shot myself 4 days before the shuttle went down in Jan 1986. I spent the first 2 days in the ICU inchoherent. Day 3 discharged to a general medical surgical floor. I could barely manage a cup of ice chips let alone have someone pull up a stool with a white lab coat on and sit down and chat with me about what had transipired in my life 3 days prior. On day 4; the shuttle burns up. I remember thinking this very clearly: THEY WENT FURTHER THAN Me <they didn't come back> or a SHARED EXPERIENCE.

The surgeon comes to see me and let me out: "The only reason you survived; you were young and healthy." There is not one inch of my vital organs from sternum to spine on my left side not under some form of scar from that day. They had to rip me open to get in there. I think it took almost an hour for an ambulance to get to me. It was a very rural area and it was an all volunteer rescue company that worked on pagers and air horns.... it took along time for someone to find me in the woods to begin with

I go to see a Pshycatrist <sp;sorry> or an MD. My first day with him my parent go and sit down with him and leave me in the hall. They tell him everything they know... over time he asks me what i know?? I tell him and he is never satisifed; so he starts handing me paper.... tells me let my subconscious mind take over.

Over my life my parents acted like there was a secret they were holding back "Boy; you came real close from being gone forever."

Of course the scar indicates an aggressive attempt at fixing me went on

I start my first book; its a fiction based on one event that led to the shooting <the why aspect..why did you shoot yourself> the book focuses on an what I believe was an angelic interaction that day; the closer we get to the other side a veil thins out and we can interact more with the other side IMHO. So I read what my sub wrote out.... it describes the events in the hospital and some words start to show up "Doorway' "Bright Sun" "The hands are working on me to keep on the table" "I wanted to get up and run away; the hands are doing more violence to my chest than the shot did; I wish they would stop.... I am fine"

The bomb shell: My family was outside of the trauma room. I saw them come in and look at me and cover their face in grief. They told me over the years in their opinion: I was gone when they looked in. I told them "Hey guy; I looked over and saw you. I mean I was gine...it was ok." I was more concern I was going to be in trouble if i did die; so I was like.... It was just a scratch. It never bothered me... I looked over at them. If I was 2 hours or post shooting. Surely my airway would have been protected. Surely I would not have been able to raise my head and just casually look around and tell them I was fine. Perhaps I could have... I can see the image as clear as I see this phrase on my screen.

so this is what started this episode.... My wife and I are starting to looking into a disability I know it takes time to get a PTSD disability. I've gone at time with four or five jobs a year....can't concentrate

 

[Christian Price]

I feel like I have almost detox symptoms; I have vertigo, my body hurts and is jumpy to the touch. The light hurts my eyes and routine sounds hurt my ears. The guy next door was mowing and it was terrible.... is this normal?

If I have opened the box and let the monster out is this a routine symptom? I sent my daily email the councilor detailing this symptom.