Just a little update to this thread. My wife and I have good days and bad. In the long run I think I have to liberally borrow a quote someone else posted on another thread, which is that my wife's demons don't play well with mine, to be frank, they hate each other and when they are at odds they fight til the death. We love each other but we are not healthy together. I don't know where this leaves us. My therapy is really going well and I am working hard to re route my neurons around the traumatic wiring. I am using cognitive strategies to challenge my core traumatic beliefs about myself and they are having a positive effect. My wife is also in therapy however she is not a naturally insightful person and tends to blame others. She is also an explosive person who admits that she struggles to feel anything other than anger. I am open to the idea that my healing may lead me, in my confident, competent adult self, to leave this relationship. She can be very good to me but she can also be very bad.
Today was definitely bad. She became explosive and abusive to me today because she perceived that I was yelling at her. I was angry about a situation in the household and I was venting to her over the phone about it, she said I was yelling at her and blaming her, she responded by yelling at me, this was all over the phone. In the end, she said she would talk to me when I was calmer, and I hung up on her and set about calming myself by doing housework, chores, etc. I should mention I was having palpitations and problems breathing and I mentioned this over the phone prior to the conversation ending. Fifteen minutes later she shows up at the house. She was calling me names 'heinous 'horrible' 'immature' 'and then, in our kitchen, she ran up on me in an intimidating manner, raised her voice and went nose to nose with me. She next accused me of being out of control and hysterical and in a calm voice and body language I said, 'do I look out of control?' She continued to rant and I just nodded and smiled to everything she yelled I simply said Ok in a calm and even voice. Eventually she stopped and got on the phone to resolve the household issue I was upset about, she is the main point of contact and the person with the pull to make the needed things occur. She did this after swearing up and down that she would NOT do so, that I was just being a big immature baby and needed to grow the F up, and that the problem we are experiencing in the home - plumbing related - is normal and I just need to let it go. After being totally unwilling to see my side of the situation and actually coming home from work to scream at me about it, in the end, she 'takes my side' and makes the damn call I asked her to make hours ago over the phone. Very Jekyll and Hyde. Very familiar from my family of origin. When that was done, she then tried to kiss on me and act like everything was fine. I did not re-escalate the argument but I didn't give her the pass she was looking for, either. I just allowed her to kiss me on the top of the head, I told her to have a nice rest of her day, she said ILY, I said it back and then she left to go back to work.
What more is there to say? I have a very dear and close friend with whom I talk daily and he is safe to vent to when I am having a hissy fit, so I will choose him as a sounding board in lieu of my W as clearly what occurred today was destructive to us both. I think I did flip out today so I can look at that. I did use prescribed medication to help me calm down and it worked very well. The problem at the house is ongoing and won't be resolved any time soon, we are at the mercy of contractors who aren't prioritizing us at the moment, that I have to accept and it is very triggering, I feel unheard, unseen, unacknowledged and that is a massive hot button we are working on in my therapy. Nevertheless, it is my issue and I own it.
Feedback welcome
