Just Triggered Or A Dealbreaker?

[Cult]

I would absolutely love to go to couples counseling and I agree that we need it. My wife refuses. I have asked numerous times including after this incident. She says the only reason people go to cc is to break up and she is not interested. She tells me if I am so unhappy that I need to just go. It seems she would opt for a separation or divorce before she would consider couples counseling.

I didn't mean to imply I was oh so perfect and my wife is some kind of devil. I know that I am as much to blame as she is when we get into these horrible arguments, another of which occurred last night. We are in the middle of a bathroom remodel and it is going much slower than planned, the contractor disappeared leaving us without a toilet - which sparked the argument I posted about earlier. So while not life or death, being without a commode is pretty serious. We just have one bathroom.

My wife triggers me like nobody else I have ever met in my life and I am not encouraged by the fact that she verbalizes that she knows she lacks empathy. Though people who really do have borderline personality disorder or what have you apparently are unable to recognize this fact, so maybe that is a more hopeful sign than it may appear.

 

[joeylittle]

Yes, a healthier person would leave. I am not there yet and may never be there.

If you can see this, then you can leave. If leaving is the choice you need to make in order to be a healthier person, then you've got to give it serious consideration.

I know I'm saying it bluntly, but it's the truth. What are your options for separating, even for a temporary period?

 

[Cult]

I know that you are right. After what seemed to be great progress yesterday with a heartfelt discussion and agreement on some boundaries, and affirmation of love for each other, this morning, my wife had what can only be described as a fit of narcissistic rage. I was screamed at, cursed at, called 'f*cking nuts', and once again she ran up on me threateningly, shoving her finger in my face and screaming at me. This was because I referred to a work engagement she is attending as a 'party.' My wife was deeply offended, 'horrified' was the word she used, that I called her important meeting a party. Her response was as described above.

I didn't scream or swear at her. I told her I wouldn't talk with her until she calmed down. I told her she was behaving abusively and that it wasn't OK.

I know this wasn't the perfect response but I am pleased that I did not become triggered myself and remained calm. We need couples counseling, I am sure, if we have any chance of becoming a healthy and happy couple. As I have shared here before my W has refused to consider it in the past, so maybe this is the dealbreaker for her. I will need to decide what my limit is. I have always been clear that if she ever hit me I would be gone instantly. She has never done so, however has been physically intimidating as described above.

I do have resources for emotional support, I have temporary shelter available, and I have enough money to get out very quickly.

What keeps me in place is my own damage, my love and attachment for my W and the fact that I am part of an abusive relationship which has its own dynamics keeping me dancing. That, and our cat, who belonged to my W and became mine when we moved in together.

I am trying to see reality and not make excuses. This is not a healthy relationship for either one of us. I don't think I will succeed in learning how to manage my PTSD if things continue like this. We can't keep having these episodes.

Thank you for the support and for listening.

 

[anonymous]

Someone here once told me that it becomes exponentially harder to heal when you're in a relationship with someone else. I'm glad you responded so calmly and were able to state your needs, and I'm sorry this struggle is so difficult.

 

[Cult]

As a quick update, my wife returned from her meeting, burst into tears and apologized, taking ownership for her behavior, even shedding tears which is a rarity for her. She attributed her outburst to feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated in the general sense. I suspect my own blowup occurring a day or so earlier was also a factor. My wife and I both struggle with boundaries and our moods can affect one another to an extreme.

We talked. I told her that we both needed to work on ourselves and stop these horrific emotional duels from continually recurring. I told her that I accepted her apology, but did not want her to take that to mean that her behavior is acceptable - and that we each have a responsibility to have a healthier marriage by refraining from screaming and cursing at each other, threatening to leave each other, playing passive-aggressive possum, etc.

She agreed with me and said she is going to take this to her therapist and I believe that she means it. I am taking this in stages. As someone stated earlier, both my wife and I have a lot of work to do individually. If that is enough to stop these nuclear fights and get us communicating better, great. If not I will once again ask for couples counseling and with the help of my own counselor, perhaps help my wife to understand that the future of our marriage may depend on it.

Thanks for the honest and fair feedback. It helps.