Relationship Keeping Things Light?

[monicaelise]

Is this even possible?

The man I was involved with last year when I first signed on here recently resurfaced (for the record, I was the one who basically jumped ship). We've both had some serious stuff to deal with since we first met (he was in the midst of medically separating from the military after thirteen years, I was dealing with breast cancer), but it looks like the worst of it may be behind us. We've made tentative plans to get together in the near future and I'm kind of wondering what to expect. I don't feel ready to deal with his "stuff" just yet and I'm not entirely sure I ever will be. I do, however, like the man and think we might be okay as "bit parts" in one another's lives.

I'm wondering if anyone here has ever had any experience with moving from a serious relationship to a dynamic in which the sufferer becomes just someone you see from time to time? Is it possible to "go back"? Can it be done without heavy duty conversation? I don't particularly want to get into anything serious right now, but as I said, I do want this man around. I've missed (most of) him, but I'm in no better shape to be a caregiver than he is. We had great physical chemistry and a lot of hobbies/interests in common. Can we just enjoy that and skip the commitment? Is this too much to ask? Has anyone ever had any success with this sort of transition?

 

[nursenurse]

Not sure what you are asking for, a friendship, or a friend with benefits. You can be acquaintances and see each other from time to time, but i see acquaintances as people who do not really affect your life. If they move, there is no real love lost. A friend demands certain attributes, like listening and caring. You clearly have stated that you are not ready to to that for him, and there is nothing wrong with that. The relationship would be superficial at best, leaving it in the acquaintance category. As fo friends with benefits, don't even go there. if you cannot listen, if you are not ready to deal with his stuff, then don't do it. Someone will inevitably want more than just the benefits, and they will be open to more hurt and misunderstanding. I would never do that to a sufferer, or anyone else out there. If he is someone to just play tennis with on the weekends, or whatever hobby you have in common, and go for coffee afterward, then by all means, go for it. Just don't fool yourself by pretending it is less than it is.

 

[monicaelise]

As fo friends with benefits, don't even go there. if you cannot listen, if you are not ready to deal with his stuff, then don't do it. Someone will inevitably want more than just the benefits, and they will be open to more hurt and misunderstanding. I would never do that to a sufferer, or anyone else out there. If he is someone to just play tennis with on the weekends, or whatever hobby you have in common, and go for coffee afterward, then by all means, go for it. Just don't fool yourself by pretending it is less than it is.

What if this is all he wants? Is there something innately wrong with two people who share a number of hobbies/interests in common also having a physical relationship? Does PTSD preclude this sort of relationship from being viable? What if this is all there is, for both of us? Is it even necessary to address any of this when we see each other? Is there any reason we can't just be together and leave the heavy stuff alone? I guess what I'm wondering is whether every intimate relationship with someone who has PTSD necessarily involves all of the stuff seen on this board. Do I have to be madly in love and make him the center of my universe? Is this something all sufferers need?

We were never hostile to each other. We just both got very sick at the same time and really couldn't do much for each other. I assume he's feeling better or he wouldn't have contacted me. It's not as though I left the relationship because I wanted to abandon him. I was just kind of busy not dying lol!

 

[Mamamia]

My bf told me last Thursday that he couldn't handle a relationship right now. He effectively ended our relationship and said we'd never be physically intimate again. Last night, only six days later, we were together. Definitions are very important to him- he wants labels. We discussed friends with benefits vs. booty calls etc before I went to see him. I told him they really are one and the same IMO.

He wants ME, not randomness, and he wants me to only be with him. I am aware that he's not in a good place, and I'm willing to keep this where he needs it to be. His PTSD has his mind right now. I told him this and that I won't crowd him or put unfair expectations on him.

I reminded him that he didn't last a week in his resolve to be done. He missed me. I also told him that you can't move back. It's like unringing a bell. You can, however, be what you are capable of as long as you are both comfortable and secure in your relationship.

I told him that I never would've been so demanding of him had he been as clear as he was to me last week "ending" it. He agreed that he had issues with not answering or giving me non-answers about his feelings and our relationship. Only in losing it was he able to clearly express how much he feels for me. And that's all I needed.

I told him that I know I'm emotionally safe with him and reminded him we are close. He fears hurting me physically and he's ashamed to lose control in front of me.
As it stands, he is worth it to me to continue based on what he is capable of. I told him I love him, and that I don't expect him to say that to me. His response was a very emotional, tight hug. And it was enough.

Sorry so long, but I think the answer is that sometimes things change, but it sounds like you have a foundation that will support the changes. Talking about it doesn't have to be difficult. Knowing what to expect and where you stand will prevent disappointments and unnecessary misunderstandings.

 

[nursenurse]

Nope, I am not saying there is anything wrong with that at all, but you have to tread carefully, because someone eventually ends up wanting more period. That is when people get hurt. PTSD is already fraught with problems. From both a supporter's and a sufferer's side. Can you handle it if he wants to talk more about stuff, can you handle what his PTSD will throw at you, because it will throw things at you for sure. Just take your time. Be careful, for both of your sakes.

 

[monicaelise]

Thank you both for your replies. I think it may be helpful to keep in mind, this isn't a new relationship. I have seen the PTSD at it's ugliest. That's exactly why I walked away when my cancer treatment began. I don't have a clue how I would handle things 7-8 months later with a clean bill of health. Anyway, I don't know that I'll be up for it, but my question really boils down to whether it's possible to keep things simple. I don't see myself wanting more than the sort of dynamic we had in the beginning of our relationship, but who knows...

I will definitely keep my eyes open and be prepared for a quick getaway if the need arises. Thanks again ladies. :)