Keeping Track Of Me

[Sleeping Dragon]

Each day for me holds something new, or something I haven’t dealt with in a while. That variety mixed with more of the same old shit keeps me on my toes. Some of it is very good, some very bad, but most falls somewhere in between.

Two days ago I saw a movie called Fury, and I’m not sure why I thought I should. There was one particular scene where an armored unit opened fire on a tree line returning heavy fire to an enemy position. There was also a flight of fighters in close support of ground troops.

The sound of the 50s, 30 cals. and high velocity tank guns was very real. As the scene went on it was like I stepped back and was able to look at myself. What I saw was my Dragon in his most savage, brutal form. I didn’t turn away because I liked what I saw. I liked what I felt. Those old warrior chemicals were flowing again. And, for a few brief seconds I was no longer in a movie theater. I was in Quang Nam Province squeezing the trigger of an M 60 as the rounds ripped through the jungle and Vietnamese.

That moment and others like it keep me in touch with who I am. And, although it only represents one part of me it’s a part I must accept, deal with, and adjust to. I’ve come to accept it as neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. It simply is.

That acceptance cancels out the guilt that that part of me may cause. I believe I was drawn to that movie feeling I might see my dragon, and use the view as a way to identify and keep track of him. Things like that movie, and the view of my Dragon that it caused help me to understand what I must deal with and why.

SD

 

[holdenmonty]

I can kind of relate. I watched some war movie based on Iraq/Afghanistan and could feel it all again and I liked the feeling while I was watching the movie. There was the adrenalin rush and hyper vigilance and all that. The part that I hated was after the movie I had a hard time turning it back off for several hours after the movie was over.

 

[Grizzly]

I had always wonders about this. It's almost like its a guilty pleasure. You know it's not healthy to watch. You know it's going to f*ck your head up. Cause bad dreams...etc. but you do it anyway.

It feels like a drug these new war movies. They are full of triggers yet it's hard to not turn away sometimes.

Saving Private Ryan screwed me up. I won't lie. For months. It made me never question the possibility of PTSD. Just seeing what those guys faced on that beach.

My wife asks me why I subject myself to those types of movies. I really think is to put myself back into that rush of adrenaline. To feel the camaraderie that I know I will never experience again. The banter between brothers in arms.

I talk to an old buddy from my unit. He is crazy as hell and he annoys the shit after a few hours. But those first few, I feel connected. We've seen shit. We each get each other. But I think this is what it's all about. Like quitting smoking. You hate it, but you'll always want one even knowing it can kill you.

Shit ...I'm rambling.

 

[atilla]

Shit Brother Grizz, we ain't that old, our brother nam grunts are ready to jump....just wait for it man..you'll have it again.:)

 

[atilla]

Camaraderie

 

[Grizzly]

@atilla thats it...camaraderie of combat. You can't find it in the real world. The best friends since school will never have the same connection as my bros from my unit. You all know what I'm talking about. My bro I referenced in the last post. He needed money for his wife's surgery. I sent him what I could. I'd do anything for him. he'd do it for me.

I miss that friendship and connection more than anything. I felt more connected than my own family.

Shit...rambling again.

 

[atilla]

Same here Brother....ah decendants or Sparta.:) The Brotherhood..It never goes away, and thats a good thing for us..and our country. We just have to get it together..we do that, and the pendulum swings Bro.

 

[JarHed]

We'll always miss the camaraderie that we had in the service. Like many things in life you don't realize it till later. It's part of who we are. Just as the part of us that will always be the dragon. There's nothing wrong with who we are or even what we were trained to do. Perhaps the hard part is to get to a point where you can accept that about yourself and that it's part of the 'balance' inside of us.

I always find it amazing that I can remember with such clarity, even after all this time, the events of those days. I guess it's a good point that I've reached as I can do that without having a meltdown. I've been here a while, I'll probably always be here. Ya'll have a great day.

JarHed