Lacking feelings of entitlement

[Muttly]

My T has said for years that I lack feelings of entitlement. I hear what she says but it doesn't really stick. And it's hard for me to think entitlement is good. And sometimes I think I have too much entitlement. And other times I know what she means and realize I can act/feel very un-entitled.

So, we've been digger deeper into trauma and were heading down a pathway, but in our last session she shifted the focus to entitlement. She said that we won't really be able to deal with issues around betrayal until I feel entitled enough to feel entitled.

So.... I'm not really sure what to think about this. It's obviously struck some kind of nerve because I've been thinking about it a lot. But.... I'm not sure I want to feel entitled. I sort of hate that word. And even if I did want to feel that, I have no idea how to go about it. And maybe I have this all wrong and have been misleading my T and I'm already too entitled.

 

[digger]

Perhaps play around with other words a bit. Sometimes a word can really jar with me, and I think the word 'entitlement' has quite a lot of negative connotations in general usage. Perhaps that is playing into things for you?

It sounds though that your T is trying to help you look at self worth maybe? It is hard to consider yourself to have been betrayed if you don't consider you were worth protecting for example. Do you think that could be something to explore?

 

[Friday]

Perhaps play around with other words a bit....

I’m entitled to fair treatment.
I deserve fair treatment.
I insist on fair treatment.
I’m willing to fight for fair treatment.
I will not stand for mistreatment. (Double negative)
It’s Tuesday, and I have a zero tolerance policy for cock juggling thunderc*nts on Tuesday’s.

^^^
These all mean essentially the same thing, with the same end result, with slightly different personality bents. You can switch around either section pretty easily. Like food or air or respect or whatever... for fair treatment, and whatever word/phrase you can really get behind for the first but.

Since you’re an animal lover, you can reframe that way, too.

I wouldn’t treat a dog that way, so I won’t stand for being treated like that.
If a dog deserves ABC, so do I.
I’m trying to be a good example to my dog.
Etc.

 

[Muttly]

Why do I feel so completely like melting down?

I don't... playing around with the words make sense but so many of the options just feel all wrong. And yeah, I think she's trying to get me to explore self-worth. I guess I really don't like that idea.

I’m entitled to fair treatment. - Ugh, my brain just says "no"
I deserve fair treatment. - in theory... sure... but... I mean, so what. Everyone is. But a lot of times in life it doesn't work out that way and I have had plenty of advantages and stuff, so why whine about the stuff that does go wrong
I insist on fair treatment. - then I'm demanding. Or expecting too much. Or actually already getting fair treatment but expecting to be treated special .. or ... or... or..
I’m willing to fight for fair treatment.- I am for other people. Because then I can see what is fair. If it comes to me, I don't know. See what I said under insisting on fair treatment.
I will not stand for mistreatment. (Double negative) - this one I can accept. Except my T would probably say I need to work on knowing what is mistreatment and she migh be right about that.
It’s Tuesday, and I have a zero tolerance policy for cock juggling thunderc*nts on Tuesday’s. -- hahhaha. Ok, that makes me laugh.

Relating things to pets tends to work. My T has used that a lot on me. So have friends too. A couple session ago my T had a long argument that related. I kept telling her I have more responsibility to my pets than to myself. I guess I still believe that.

PS- sorry mods, for posting this in the wrong thread.

 

[Mach123]

This made me laugh but I didn't when I ran into it? I just couldn't do any positive affirmation at all. I started reading Ellen Bass early on like right after establishing I had CSA and this one exercise was self love or something, I almost fainted. I had such a reaction I never picked that book up again. I still have it I think. So she may be saying, you can't do anything for yourself if you think you don't deserve it. I couldn't. I had to do about 3 years therapy to get to stop blaming myself enough to do anything. Self punishment and self harm actually was really all I had in my head. They kept saying "stop doing that to yourself." Self loathing. So brutal. Eventually, I let myself believe them just the tiniest bit. Maybe it's just the word. Words are a big deal.

 

[jaccat]

It's a big problem for me. Worst reaction I ever had in therapy was when my T used the word worthy. The idea that I should feel that way and it's okay to is pretty much beyond me. I can find reasons why most of the alternative words aren't good too. I'm still working on how to make it work for me.

 

[Rani G2]

And it's hard for me to think entitlement is good.

@Muttly... dealing here with the same coin just
the other side of it. Will stick to "I am worthy enough...". Havin feelings of deep inferiorty, a part of me demands for attention, thankfulness etc. Its a narcissistic aspect because I feel I must get it forcefully or if not I will go out and be revengeful.

 

[Muttly]

I'm sorry you all have dealt with the same thing. And I can think about you @PURUSHA , @Mach123 and @jaccat and wish you didn't feel that way. I know you all don't deserve self-loathing. But trying to apply it to myself, seems to just increase the self-hate.

 

[Mach123]

What was so brutally hard was not seeing I was doing it. I thought I understood low self esteem in my 20's. I'm almost sixty and now I think I'm just scratching the surface. Earlier this year I was doing an exercise I thought up myself. I was not sleeping and I had always sort of tried meditation and never could do it? So I just thought to meditate on "I'm not doing anything wrong right now," or "nothing is wrong right now just in this moment." It was shocking what happened. You have to be very careful about feeling good. The therapist went so far as to tell me that people have attempted or committed suicide when they got to "feeling good." I totally understand that. It's really crazy.

 

[Ronin]

Why do I feel so completely like melting down?

puppy is entitled to be treated like the other puppies.

puppy does not deserve to be thrown out in the stormy weather without food, because that is just life and shit weather, because other puppies are comfortably home.

puppy is not demanding by making literally puppy eyes at the dog owner, because that is making a request, not demanding jack.

puppies are lovely and special and should feel loved, because lovedspecial and lovedlovely are different from trying to be SpecialAsshole.

puppy deserves being taken care of, not only take care of other puppies, because fighting all the time is darn tiring.

It is damn Saturday and puppies still are not being Bad Entitled by needing puppy reframe. :)

.... and Ronin as usual sucks with dogs, so please do not take me too literally where n/a. :)

 

[shimmerz]

And maybe I have this all wrong and have been misleading my T and I'm already too entitled.

Can you give examples of how you are too entitled?
Or
Can you give examples of how others are too entitled?

How do you know if someone else is entitled?

 

[Abstract]

Good questions. Will add "what would happen or what would it say about you if you did feel entitled"?