Lacking feelings of entitlement

[Muttly]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. I haven't had a lot of bandwidth lately. I have been thinking about it and your responses. I also had another conversation with my T about it. In that conversation, we settled on the word "right". I could sort of accept that. As in humans have the right to food, water, safety, etc. I can accept I have some rights.

@Ronin Aww, I lliked your example and didn't take it too literally. No worries :) It's so easy to put my animals well-being above my own. Like, because I'm their caretaker I see their needs as more valid?

@shimmerz Good questions-

"Can you give examples of how you are too entitled?" I don't know. Like, I have all sorts of chores I should be doing but instead I'm sitting here thinking about myself? Like I have friends who I should reach out to but lately I've been too self-involved. And there's one friend who I always worry about because she's kind of isolated and I believe she's depressed but I don't do a good job of keeping in touch with her? Like I have been to the food bank but there's been a few days I was too tired and hot (stupid heat wave) to make anything so I went and got fast food. Like the only reason I need the food bank is because I left a good paying job to follow the job of my dreams. So it's my own fault I'm this poor and shouldn't be taking resources from others. And I still haven't dipped into my tattoo money that I've saved up for ages because I still have this stupid hope I can climb out of this hole I'm in and get tattoos to cover up my stupid scars.

"Can you give examples of how others are too entitled?" Oh...I don't know. Ok, one example comes to mind. We had a customer at the vet clinic who made an appointment for 11:00. Then he changed it to an earlier drop off slot, so his pet could get in sooner. This meant he wouldn't be seeing the vet in a room. Then when he arrived an hour later and found out that for the drop off he might not be able to pick his cat up until after lunch he demanded "his" 11:00 appointment back. When I apologized and explained someone else had booked that slot he started yelling at me and telling me that was his time slot. Like we were just supposed to leave it open specifically for him. And he kept repeating how it wasn't fair that we had booked it out to someone else. I guess that seems like being too entitled?

"How do you know if someone else is entitled?" Ok, this one I still don't have a great answer for. Hmmm, thinking about work again. I guess entitled means asking for what you need. Like a coworker who is newer than me is getting more hours. And I found out it's because she went to our manager and was saying how she really needs more hours because of her financial situation. And I didn't do that so... she got more hours.

@Abstract Another good question

"what would happen or what would it say about you if you did feel entitled"? I guess I fear I would get too demanding and needy. Or I'd expect too much. Like in the example about my coworker and hours, I guess it feels like if I had gone to my manager and said I need hours I am broke, I would just be dumping my personal problems on my manager? It's not her fault I'm broke.

 

[grit]

I do not know your story but a child should feel entitled to be loved, cared, nurtured, protected and be safe. A baby should have same entitlement. If you truly want to get over the resistance and I applaud you to feel, articulate and be open to challenge your resistance, I think you are very close.
do not think as a you today but think as a baby, a child, you deserved to be safe and all the other things and that did not happen and you are not giving that to your inner child now because you are thinking as an adult and maybe even politically.

You sound like you have a great therapist to zoom into this one particular thing. You are lucky.

 

[grit]

"I guess it feels like if I had gone to my manager and said I need hours I am broke, I would just be dumping my personal problems on my manager? It's not her fault I'm broke."

You are right! as an adult it is not your right to dump that on your boss but as a child, you tried to do that with your mother/father/caretaker or whoever hurt you this deep and they did not allow you! that is the problem.

the beauty is if you allow yourself to feel that in the therapy room, you may break down and cry (or react strongly emotionally) and that is the thing...that is the getting over it. Just to feel it does not mean it gets stuck to you. you are still adult and have autonomy and decision making.

I love your post. I have similar things I am resistant but trying to allow because I need to become more curious to see what lays ahead.

 

[Muttly]

Perhaps this is an entitlement issue?

I never keep track of how much other people are making are making posts seeking support compared to giving support. I always am aware of what I am doing. And if I feel like I'm doing too much seeking support without giving back, I feel I am doing wrong. That any help I receive I must be giving back in at least equal manner.

 

[somerandomguy]

That any help I receive I must be giving back in at least equal manner.

Well, I understand how you feel like that. I think almost all of us have felt that way at one time or another.

But it's not true. This place is here for YOU. If you have the energy to help other people, well, that's great. But you are here for YOU. And I'm here for me. And all of us are here for ourselves. And not one person will begrudge you for taking anything anyone can give you here. Not one person, not even a little bit.

 

[shimmerz]

I guess entitled means asking for what you need.

I think there might be a couple of words that you might want to give some thought to.
Need vs Want
Asking vs Demanding

I think entitled means demanding what you want.
I think self care is asking for what you need.

Which I think is why so many of us have problems with self care. I think most of us have been trained that to have 'needs' sets us up to feel that our safety is being threatened (or has the potential to be threatened).

Just wondering if you have any thoughts on that.

 

[Muttly]

@somerandomguy The thing is, I don't feel like that some of the time. I feel like that all the time. I guess that's why "core belief" fits. I can't escape the feelings. It's sometimes less strong and sometimes overpowering. I am better than I used to be. When I was a member of another forum, I had a rule for myself. I had to post three supportive posts before I could post one post seeking support. Otherwise I was "selfish"

@shimmerz So any thoughts. I guess I feel like if I ask I am demanding? I guess I feel like just wanting can be demanding. My mom made me feel like I was a needy child. She didn't want to have kids. She told me that. And she was disabled and had mental health issues and I was a lot of work and it always felt like my needs pitted against hers. So, it was better to not have needs.

 

[somerandomguy]

What if you redefined "helping?" I've certainly been helped by the things you've posted in your trauma diary before!

 

[Tinyflame]

I've heard what @somerandomguy said above, thanks for an opportunity to give, and what is gained in the giving, or learned (not quite the right word) through the sharing (for the other person). :confused: Idk. I struggle with this in all ways too.

:hug: @Muttly .

 

[shimmerz]

I guess I feel like just wanting can be demanding.

It depends on the person you are wanting from. For many people, helping people get what they want can be very satisfying. Just wondering if you even know what you want? I know I had to start with that - and then work my way up to asking *shudder*. It was a horror when I first started asking. Even for simple things.

I guess I feel like if I ask I am demanding?

Are you willing to challenge this (given that you know what you want first?) Please keep in mind there may be some self sabotage that comes with this because belief systems are not easy to break. Do you have a trusted friend? Partner? Sorry if that is a triggery question.

My mom made me feel like I was a needy child.

Children are needy. They have to be in order to survive. And those are survival needs which build our belief systems. So you didn't do anything wrong by being needy. And of course it ends up being a vicious cycle with a child who does not have their basic needs met becoming even more needy. It is built into our very being, the need to survive.

it always felt like my needs pitted against hers.

Well, yes, of course. Because your need was to survive and so was hers. Sounds like she was totally overwhelmed - which absolutely was not your fault. I know those words are easier to say than to take in in any meaningful way. Belief breaking is difficult.

So, it was better to not have needs.

At that time. And I am going to bet that you have gotten some of your needs met (housing, food, clothing, job(?), car) Were you responsible for getting those needs yourself or do you give others credit for that?

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) has been super helpful to me when I am dealing with f*cked up belief systems. Not for everyone, but I have to tell you that it is my go-to tool when working with corrupted belief systems.

So any thoughts.

These are them. No idea if they help at all, but this is what I have learned about belief systems. They are really hard, but they aren't impossible. The biggest hurdle, for me, was to figure out what to replace the shitty belief with. I just didn't know what healthy beliefs were.