General Last Hoorah

[willis williams]

Tell your daughter that the first A is pronounced long and the second short like Tay-la. Hope the rest of your day goes good. Talk to you later. TEX

 

[sisu]

I had a busy weekend with friends and then a lazy Sunday with my dogs. The kids were at their dads this weekend so it was nice to decompress. A lot has been going on in my emotional and mental world lately.

I decided to text the ex-BF on Sunday night to offer my friendship. I did not expect a response from him because he has been pretty shut down. But I did get one. We texted a couple times and then he called me. We talked on the phone for over an hour and had a really good conversation. I told him about my therapy and what was going on and where I was mentally and emotionally. He shared with me how he felt mentally and emotionally in a way he never had before. It was more real and more raw then I ever heard him before. I think he was always trying to protect me from his demons and pretended to be fine all the time. He apologized for my having to go to therapy. I told him he was one of many reasons however I am thankful because I needed to go and probably would not have gone except for these recent catalysts. I think he felt better knowing it wasn't just because of him (and it was true ~ it wasn't). We talked about our friendship and agreed that we would always be friends. He said if we lived in a perfect world he would have married me by now. I said unfortunatly we live in a f*cked up world right now. I told him what I did this weekend and he told me I should have called him because he was home alone all weekend. I told him that I didn't call because I didn't think he would answer his phone after the no-show a few Sunday's ago. He also said he misses how close we were and I agreed. We talked about maybe hanging out as friends soon. I am one of the few people he trusts and the same is for me...he is one of the few people I trust. He always says I am in his circle of trust (like that movie...Meet the Parents) :p

I really think this will be a good thing. He was my best friend before and he understands where I am at right now with my therapy and I have a better understanding of where he is because I have been so broken down recently. I don't have combat ptsd, but I know to a small degree a lot of what he feels....(depression, anxiety, panic, etc.) I think he will also feel more open to talking to me about his demons because he knows I understand....instead of trying to protect "Miss Positive Polly" who he thought I was. We all wear masks to protect others don't we?

 

[NikkiNikki]

I'm glad to hear you can at least still be friends hun!

 

[sisu]

Ever since my ex-BF and I talked on Sunday night he has been very supportive of ME. He has called multiple times saying...."just checking in on you". It's so weird because I was always the one worrying about him and trying not to trigger him. He came over last night and we talked about all kinds of stuff. He gave me advice on how to work on my issues as he is familiar with how I am feeling. We talked about my therapy and he was happy that I sought out help. He is worried that I am not sleeping and told me what can do to me mentally and physically. He would know because he didn't sleep much for a year and a half once. Then he shared with me in detail much of the things he was feeling with his ptsd and what he has been through since his diagnosis. He has NEVER told me most of this stuff and a lot of it was things that most of you with combat ptsd have spoken about on here. How he felt when after so many years with a life revolving around military....military life, military friends, military housing, etc....he was home one day and expected to be "normal" again. He talked about the time he was put in the psych ward at the VA and how that felt. He talked about so much more and I was so happy that he was finally sharing all of this with me, instead of pretending to be okay. He also said that even though he had severe ptsd he was certain that he had something left to give to society which is why he is working so hard in school and holding down a job. I know it would be easier for him to not work. It is sooo nice to be friends with this amazing and supportive man!!

 

[willis williams]

Good job! Lots of love! Very strong teach me some of that being a rock!!! TEX

 

[sisu]

Thanks Tex! Oh, I forgot this part....It was discovered a couple weeks ago that for several months he was taking only 5mg of one of his anti-depressants and should have been taking 25mg. This explains the huge depressive episode in January. He said he feels better now mostly, but is still stressed about money. (aren't we all?!?)

I should talk to him about joining this forum - he might find the camaraderie with other vets comforting. He said he tried therapy before and didnt' like it. He said he spent the whole hour talking about his dogs and felt it was worthless. The therapist apparently just let him ramble and he wasn't ready to open up about stuff. He has tried group and was in one with a group of Vietman vets and he said they just made him angry. They do have groups for Iraq/Afghanistan vets and I think he would benefit from that. He seems to be slightly open to it when I have mentioned it in passing. I will not and do not pressure him about any type of therapy. I think right now he has too much on his plate....school, work, house, kids, money, etc. In June things should open up a little bit for him and maybe he would consider going. I think he would go if he got his Army retirement. They have been f*cking him around for 4 years now.....he is 100% mentally disabled with the VA, but the Army keeps telling him he got his ptsd somewhere else and continue to make him jump through hoops. He got the senators office involved and they have been less then helpful. He recently talked to the pentagon and someone from the Army that said he needed to talk to someone at Ft. Bragg. Do they have any idea how frustrating this is?!?.....and even worse for someone with ptsd. He has to work a lot right now because the Army won't medically retire him. and he has bills to pay. But working so much and finishing school causes him lots of stress. I think he is amazing and he mostly thinks he is a lost cause. I hope he figures out how amazing he is someday.

He will graduate with a masters degree with honors (he made straight A's) on May 7th. I am so proud of him!!

 

[willis williams]

Hey you haven't been to talketive head not on straight. Good luck.

 

[sisu]

Hey Tex....no need to be talkative. I appreciate you reading and giving input when necessary so I understand ptsd better. And I appreciate your friendship on here.

The ex-BF is still checking in on me which is so sweet. He called me last night and we only spoke for a few minutes but he wanted me to know that he wasn't ignoring me. He had been ill all day and really was feeling sick and couldn't talk on the phone long. I was suprised he made the effort to call at all as I am sure he didn't feel like it. It's nice to feel his support and it's nice to have his friendship. :)

 

[willis williams]

I think you might give yourself some of that credit he is saying the same thing it's nice to feel your support and to know when he is down it is nice to have your friendship. You are such a beautiful woman and I know this because truelly beautiful women are humble because beauty is inner. Not saying you ain't sexy to I don't know but you are one of those very beautiful woman. You could have said my ex-BF called to hear my voice because he misses me but you took the other path. I bet you could add a little of that in there cause I garentee he wanted to her your comforting voice b while he is sick because everyone nows men are wimps when we are sick. LOT OF LOVE

 

[sisu]

He is still doing his almost daily "checking on me" call. So sweet!

I had therapy Tuesday night and when he called me Wednesday, I was sort of amped up about what the therapist and I talked about. I have a tendancy to be extremely happy in my relationships while they are happening, but I always have the "I'm going to get dumped any day" thought in the back of my mind. No matter who I am dating or how the relationship is going. My therapist called it something....catastrophizing thinking....something like that. We aren't yet sure where this thinking comes from, but when she made me aware of it I knew that had always had that thought pattern, or at least as long as I can remember. (I actually thought everyone thought this way) Anyway, when my ex-BF called me I told him about this thought pattern that I have and I told him that it has come true with all of my relationships. (which I later felt bad about because that included him) He was very supportive and gave me encouraging words.

Part of me feels really bad dumping on him all of my problems....which are very real to me however probably very stupid to a man with combat ptsd. Plus he probably has enough of his own shit to deal with. However he has never made me feel like my problems aren't as important as his. He has never judged me or told me to suck it up. He has just been there for me. I have continued to be there for him and I have never judged him and he knows that. I think that is why he has been able to share with me so much more lately. I also feel like he enjoys feeling useful and he truly likes being able to help me.

I don't know....lots of thoughts running through my head. Like...why is he being so nice to me? Why IS he calling to check on me? I guess I should just be thankful and not question it, but that is hard for me. Luckily I do trust him and whatever his reason is, I know it isn't to cause harm. He is my friend.

Some good news for him!! He did get a call on Tuesday from the IG from Ft.Bragg that was involved with his Army medical retirement request 2 years ago. The medical retirement was originally started 4 years ago, and still not yet approved. Anyway, hopefully this IG will help him since he knows that it's been going on a long time now. I am praying that he gets his Army retirement so he doesn't have to work and that can be one less stressor on him. He has been jumping through hoops for this for far too long.

 

[sisu]

He had a major panic attack last night. He has had his kids all week because they are on spring break. The kids have been fighting and this totally dances on his last nerve. He kept trying to get them to stop fighting and it just wasn't working. Then it hit him...a panic attack. He had to take some extra meds they gave him to take immediately when he feels a panic attack coming on. I texted him when I got home from work and asked what he was up to. He said...."kids fighting gave me panic attack". I texted back and asked "are you okay now or still sick?" He said.."took med still sick". Then I texted him..."I'm sorry. hope you feel better. call me later if you feel up to it". He called right away. I was glad because it gave me an opportunity to be there for him and try to comfort him because he has been there for me so much lately. We talked for about an hour and he was medicated for sure. I felt bad that he has to go through this. He told me he has about 3 panic attacks a week every week. He said he used to have multiple panic attacks per day so it's much better then it used to be. I have had a handful of panic attacks in my life and they are awful. I wish there was something they could give him or do for him to make these stop. Sometimes he has them and he cannot even pinpoint why he is having one. The med makes him sleepy so I did not hear anymore from him last night and was a little worried.

I texted him this morning and got a response...'better today". I'm glad. :)

Don't really know why I am posting this....I just need to get it out of my head......

 

[NikkiNikki]

I'm glad to hear he feels he can talk to you & you two can support each other some.

Needing to get things out of my head is why I started blogging again. I feel a lot of people get tired of hearing me talk about my ex so I know I can blog and not have to bother anyone with my feelings or thoughts unless they want to read them.