"learn To Accept Your Position In Life"

[Sideways]

Sounds a lot like my last relationship, which ended just over 7 years ago and I haven't been prepared to date again. Not yet anyway.

My perverse reason for staying with him was at least I didn't have to get involved with anyone else. Eventually he decided that the things I was prepared to agree to do (sexually) for him disgusted even him. He called me a sl*t, told me to get out, and I never heard from him again.

You do deserve better. You deserve someone who will genuinely love and respect you. Don't ever settle for anything less.

 

[EveHarrington]

@scout86

You're quite right! No relationship is better than that kind of relationship. I honestly can't say I'm a big relationship person either since I require so much time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy relationships, but at the same time I don't require one to be happy in life.

@Mammasalt

All of this went down over TEXT since he's overseas right now! I know he wouldn't have the nerve to say that to my face. He told me in November that he was going to be out of the country for a few months. He then threatened to not keep in contact with me while away. Why oh why I didn't take that as a sign...? I was actually HAPPY when he told me that. I was mad when he didn't follow through on his hollow threat. Ugh. I can't say I would have decked him. I would have probably been too shocked to start swinging.

@Casey_03

I think you're an incredibly insightful person. Pretty much all that you've said is right on the money. I think I settle for whatever I can get instead of holding out for a decent guy. I blame myself and tell myself that I cannot be picky because of all the baggage I carry. I know I need to stay single and unattached for awhile so that I don't fall back into old patterns.

 

[EveHarrington]

@watundah

Thank you so much. Things did start out well but I thought I was being too picky, that I had to be flexible such in order for things between us to survive. The thing is, I lost myself in it all. He did no compromising, was completely unwilling to meet me half way on anything. I wish I could go back and just stop it all when things started to go south. The thing is, it was so subtle at first.

@Stickler

Demands? I could make no demands. I can't ask for anything that I need. I have no voice.

 

[EveHarrington]

I want to reply to everyone that has taken the time to reply but I must step away. I am having trouble staying grounded right now.

I am grateful for all the support I have received.

My mind is flip flopping between feeling like a doormat/slut who deserved this treatment because I returned to him so many times and being eternally grateful that I'm finally breaking free.

My mind doesn't want to deal with the realities of what has been going on and the very real realizations that I've made.

I can't say no. How would I ever be able to be in a relationship if I can't say no? I have never said no.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

My mind is flip flopping between feeling like a doormat/slut who deserved this treatment because I returned to him so many times and being eternally grateful that I'm finally breaking free.

Found for myself that to step aside from my self and ask what would I tell someone I loved about caring for themselves. :hug:

Self blame as your own self best friend, Really? NAH. It was a yucky non-relationship. Don't bother with composting the shit. Garbage that does not need sorting. Go with the breaking free. Chuck out the door mat with him.

New door mat for your house. Literally. What would that be?? Gonna get me one too, as it is spring cleaning time.

 

[oasis2003]

Many :hug::hug: @EveHarrington . Look after your self first at this time .

 

[desiderata310]

I can't say no. How would I ever be able to be in a relationship if I can't say no? I have never said no.

:cautious:
I have actually written almost those exact words just recently. It was a hard one to deal with. Actually it's still a hard one to deal with.

He's overseas. Good. Now is the time for that clean break.
BLOCK HIS NUMBER or better yet, get a new one if you can.
CHANGE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS.
if you rent, MOVE SOMEWHERE NEW.

If possible, change towns.
Don't let that motherf*cker back in your life.

WHY such extremes, Desi? you said it: you can't say no. Don't allow yourself to be in a situation where you have the possibility of SAYING yes.

How will we ever be able to be in a relationship again? I don't have the answer to that. I've decided that I'm just ok not being in one. At least, not for a while. Single is so much simpler. No one to explain to where I'm going if I want to get up and go somewhere in the middle of the night. No one to check in with when I wanted to do something, or stay home, or watch something, or buy something. I just DO those things now. I decide a movie is just too triggery? I f*cking change that shit. I want to eat pancakes for dinner? I make me some pancakes and leave the dishes for the morning.

More importantly for me was that my bedroom has FINALLY become a safe place. I still have nightmares but it's not a place of sexuality that I have to dread because I know someone is going to do something painful or something to demean me. And right now, I need that. Finding some place safe of my own has been hugely important.

 

[EveHarrington]

@desiderata310

You're right. It would be easier if he was physically abusive. (Maybe.) Emotional abuse leaves much open to interpretation. Blaming yourself. Thinking you're too sensitive. And so on.

I've blocked his phone number. He knows how to get around the block though. Who knows if he will try. I'll know in a few weeks. I've deleted my email address that he used. And as luck would have it, I'm moving in a month.

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ

Thank you----I don't think much about being married for life. I would like to find someone I can be close to though. I know my life would have turned out much differently if I didn't have PTSD. I do mourn that life. I know I'm better off without this jerk though.

@The Albatross

I feel disgusted with myself----I am---was---that sexual object to him and not a person. He used me in order to play out his fetishes. I remember screaming at him to stop using me! He replied that he wasn't using me because I was there on my own free will. (Oh, the mind games.)

Thank you @Berlinda


@Ragdoll Circus

You deserve better, too! What is this Madonna/whore complex? These guys want a woman who gives them everything he wants but then they decide it's too much? (You can't win.)

 

[EveHarrington]

@Changeling

You're right---a very YUCKY non relationship! And who needs that, right?

@Oasis

Thank you for the hugs. They're much appreciated!

 

[EveHarrington]

Truth be told, I've thought very little about him in the last week. See, the flu can have an upside! LOL.

I do fear the arrival of April as last I heard he's due back in the country around the 4th or so. I'm hoping he forgot all about me and found another chick to hook up with.

As for the future, I fear never being able to get into another relationship. How do you possibly begin to build trust when you cannot trust yourself to say no or even know that you don't want to do something? I don't know if any guy would be willing to be that patient with me in a "people sleep together by the third date" kind of world.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now that I'm pushing everyone away or running away from them. I can't say no; can't stick up for myself! How can you possibly change things midstream so that the other person doesn't freak out when you start to assert your needs as a human being?

Sorry, I need to cut this short again. I feel a bit sick right now. :-/

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug::hug:BIG HUGS:hug::hug:
Sending comfort, and blessings of peace. There is no hurry to do anything...one day at a time...that's really all anyone can do! I couldn't say "no" either...got married 4 times...now I won't say "yes"!
Don't give up on you! We, here, have PTSD, in different shapes and sizes. You WILL survive, and I promise that you aren't a "slut" because you "can't say no". You are a human being with feelings, and heart, and I suspect, lots of love to give to the right person. Give yourself time. One day, you will break free. I don't know how old you are, but I didn't figure me out till about 20 years ago, which was when I was almost 50. So, there ya go. You have time!
PEACE, MY FRIEND, TO YOU!!!

 

[EveHarrington]

What do you do with very real human needs (wants) to be touched?

I don't even care right now that he treats me like crap. I just want someone to touch me, hold me. I don't even care that it is a lie.

<I feel horrible right now. Bad episode.>

If he contacted me now, I'd drop everything to see him. I suppose now that I am indeed fully aware of the situation, that he is not a good guy, that the whole thing isn't good for me, is harmful to me, and that I'd be walking in on my own volition----that I am fully responsible for whatever may happen, whatever I may feel, and so on. I know what he is and still want to see him.

How do you get rid of this need (want) for human touch; just to be hugged or to cuddle? I really do need to get rid of it. It makes me feel unsafe and weak.

<See my other thread on wanting to cuddle.>