Let Go Of Self Blame

[Candleflames]

It's taken me a while to post this cause I wasn't sure how significant this epiphany really is. It's been two months since I realized this. It feels so huge. Like I can breath again.

Background: When I was 14 I was drugged and raped by two 21 year old men. I was partying with "friends" but not exactly where I was supposed to be. Had my parents have known where I was I would have been in trouble and i knew that. It was part of the thrill. It was also exciting to be accepted by the grown-ups. So I had some beer with them at their house that they lived in with their father. The father was also there. The beer made me feel really weird, not drunk but doll like and floppy. I remember bits and pieces.

The epiphany: It wasn't my fault. I am not to blame. Lots of teens go and do things they aren't supposed to do, are in places they shouldn't be. It's part of growing up. It's part of testing the waters of the big wide world. Plenty of other people wouldn't have taken advantage of a hurting and broken youth. So blame lies squarely with the two men who raped me and their father who thought it was fine for his son and friend to party with a 14 year old. I also think part of the blame rests with my father who made home life so hostile and violent that I put myself into harms way to get away from it.

I now firmly believe that I share NONE of the blame for that night.

 

[DucatiGirl]

Well done, you!

 

[Philosopher108]

Way to go, Candle.

There is a lot expressed in your post. First off, it is of course perfectly natural for a young teen to experiment with all sorts of things and to try to get a taste of the wide world. So tragic that one of your first experiences of autonomy and independence was marred by an act of extreme violence.

Not having support at home too probably kept you from realizing that YOU were wronged. It saddens me to hear that you didn't have sufficient support/self-esteem to keep from blaming yourself. There is no excuse for what was done to you. I hope you realize now that YOU MATTER, and people don't have the right to hurt you.

I am happy that you decided to share your epiphany. And I hope your epiphany leads you to a new stage in your healing process.

 

[sonicwhite]

Ya I struggle with this a lot. I keep blaming myself because I went thru a drug induced psychosis. I had a lot happen over the summer of 2005. A lot of ppl used me. I know I got raped by guards at the jail. I lost my gf and I just can't get past the part where I'm the cause of all this. Since I knew it was illegal to use drugs. And I knew that jail would be apart of life if I kept doing them


Today I feel torn. Between self loathing and just trying to accept what happened. I feel I will never be in a steady relationship because who wants to find someone who is broke, living on SSDI and can't really fix himself. I don't get out anymore to my chances of finding anyone is zero. But I have to accept this.