Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[Girl3]

Living in a PTSD body myself, I can tell you that intimacy is difficult because being vulnerable is difficult. You see intimacy as a good thing. Many of us with PTSD see it as a way inside our force-field. Lowering the force-field is dangerous because it can lead to feeling a loss of power and control and we feel powerless most of the time anyway.

Some good books: David Richo, PhD - How to Be an Adult in Relationships, When Love Meets Fear. Gary D Chapman - Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.

Simple rules about sex give us the power we need: When you want intimacy, he is allowed to turn down sex without any repercussions (no anger, pouting, shouting, walking away) but he has to perform an act of love. Acts of love can be things like holding hands on a walk, sitting beside each other and watching a favorite movie, massaging each other's backs, brushing your hair, dancing together to a love song - you guys make up the list of love acts. When he gets more comfortable with vulnerability, yet feels he is not giving up all control of himself, it can get better.

I'm no marriage counselor, but I know what I have been through. I wish you much love in your journey with your husband - don't give up hope.

 

[berry622]

Having your sexual advances make your partner feel "uncomfortable" can really make a person feel like a creep for wanting sex. Additionally, the idea of making the if/when of sex entirely up to him makes me feel like a tool (I only get "used" when my bf feels like it).

It is hard to tune these thoughts/feelings out AND hard to accept that I can't ask for the closeness that I want when I want it. AND I think it is only normal for supporters to feel rejected when we're rejected. We may be zen masters but we're only human, right? ;)

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I just wanted to say what you said here is exactly what I've been experiencing, so thanks so much for sharing. In my case it has been really hard for my friends to understand why I'm hanging around, and it really helps to hear others going through the same stuff.

Things are shifting a bit for my bf and I - I think the more and more I come to understand what he is going through, the less and less I experience his rejection of sex as a rejection of me. It still sucks, sex is typically the way I would feel the most close to someone I'm dating, but knowing and really feeling that it isn't because he isn't attracted to me, and it isn't because he doesn't want to be close to me is really helpful.

I think what might work for me is just taking sex off the pedestal for a while. Clearly, in this relationship it isn't going to be what it ideally is for me. I had the same feeling, like, okay, so when he does have 'the urge' then it is all go, but it still doesn't mean the same things for him as it does for me, because it can't, so then I felt cheap and yes, like a tool. But if I take sex down a notch as far as what it means in this relationship, then I feel less that way. We have other ways of feeling close. We have a depth in our relationship that I've never had before. If sex can't be a conduit for our closeness, then it can't. Other things can, and sex can be some bonus fun that happens when it happens.

This is my public expression of my private rambling, haha, hope it helps a little. I'll let you know how it works out for me.

 

[amethist]

Please all supporter's try and not make sex the be all and end all of a relationship. Look at it as the icing on the cake instead, the less emphasis you make of it, the better it will turn out.

As I have mentioned in a previous post in this thread, any type of depressive illness can lead to the loss of libido, and it is one of the first things to go and sometimes one of the last to get back.

If intimacy is what you crave, you could be disappointed. Sorry, but that is how it is for now, and for the foreseeable future.

 

[lighthouse]

How do you tactfully express what your minimums are? I have been reading that you can't be passive or aggressive but that you have to set your boundaries and express your needs.

 

[amethist]

Hi ligthouse

Expressing your needs can sometime cause more anxiety for your sufferer. So the best way to handle a relationship with someone who has PTSD, is to not expect anything too much.

This may sound a bit like letting them off the hook with anything more than holding hands, but for some sufferers this is all they can do at times, even this can be too much.

Setting boundaries for what you will not except is fine, but expecting more than they can offer is a definite no no too.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that is how this illness can effect them.

Maybe reading the following link will help you see how good stress as well as bad can effect them. Intimacy being one of the first things to go, and one of the last to get back in some people.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-191843[/DLMURL]

Take care and read all you can to help both of you, and please do not expect too much, this will be like no other relationship you have ever had.

Amethist

 

[Tifanee]

I think setting boundaries is true regardless if your partner has PTSD. For a moment, take the focus off PTSD and look at what you need and what they need. Then within the boundaries of their PTSD, what can they give, and what can you give.

My love doesn't have intimacy/sex issues related to PTSD, but has these issues due to a previous relationship. The PTSD I think compounds the issue though. I might be wrong. His past relationship partner demanded he give her pleasure regardless or she would find it from another man. His previous partner took advantage of his approach to all his relationships...selfless and a 'knight in shinning armor' when not in a PTSD moment.

With me, I am A-OK taking care of my own pleasure if needed. I know I have a heightened sex-drive and my love needs more foreplay (communication, touching, kissing) before he can preform. However, from the beginning, even before I learned about his PTSD, I told him he didn't need to keep up with me. I can handle it on my own, I am okay with that. Also, I reassured him he is the man in my life, with no desire to have another man take care of my business if he can't. My personal pleasure is an enjoyment for him because it is distracting from what might be going on in his head, and he actually feels closer to me.

Keep having conversations when you can with your partner or potential partner, even after intimacy has occurred. If the conversation is difficult or is intimidating, have your partner give you some sort of signal that they would like some more attention. A note on the door, the flag up on the mailbox, written in lipstick on the bathroom mirror...even if you just need more hugs...touch can be an amazing healer when done out of respect for the person who has established boundaries about when and how touch can occur.

 

[ProudWife99]

For us - sex and intimacy is a way to EXPRESS love to one another, not to define how much we love one another. It was a long hard road to get to that understanding, but it does get there. You just have to see it for what it is, an act of expression, not of definition. I completely agree with Amethist, don't expect too much. Hell, my marriage revolves around simply saying "Do you want to have sex tonight" and then an answer. Whatever the answer is, we're both fine with it. No judgement. We don't have to read any signals or try to pick up on hints. We just lay it out there.

It doesn't cause stress because we're not reading between any lines. It's either Yes, No, or "I could be into that." Saved us a world of hurt. The key is not being angry or hurt when the answer is no.

 

[volgirl]

Would love to ask a simple question of others... sex (the act) does not seem to be a problem in my relationship. But "sleeping together" (yes, just sleeping) is. More explicitly, we occasionally kiss, hold hands, etc. (though not to the degree that I have in past relationships) and the sex is good. But he avoids any sort of prolonged closeness, "cuddling" or intimacy...even watching TV or a movie, he seems to prefer to have his own space. It's a bit hard not to take it personally when you have good sex, and he then retires on the couch and doesn't come to bed. Is this a common theme? I know every case is different, but I am curious.

 

[Girl3]

Since I am the one with PTSD in my house, I'm sure my husband would say that you just described me. I never liked to cuddle after sex. I still have a hard time with it. I don't like to kiss. Or hold hands.

And I can't tell you why. Yet.

 

[Pebbles]

After reading another introduction where a wife is struggling with her husband's lack of desire in the bedroom and intimacy I thought we should talk about it openly and frankly so there is a general thread to help others.

So it would be completely normal for him to tell me he needs a break from daily contact? Is it no contact for days or a day or a week or does it vary? In regards to intimacy, we both know his desire has dwindled over the last 2 or 3 weeks. It was Tuesday that he told me he needed a break. I saw him briefly Wednesday and not at all Thursday. Today he comes over and is intimate. He said he needed stress relief. I have to say that I did, too. I was so happy to just spend a little time with him. I can tell he is not sleeping well. I am asking if this is a normal stage of ptsd. I am sorry to be so direct, but I know this is an issue when dealing with the ptsd and I am just trying to understand.

 

[Bubba]

Since I am the one with PTSD in my house, I'm sure my husband would say that you just described me.

My husband would as well.

I never liked to cuddle after sex. I still have a hard time with it. I don't like to kiss. Or hold hands.

And I can't tell you why. Yet.

I have finally admitted to myself that I truly do not like to kiss. I'm not into touching much. I like my space. I don't like to cuddle in bed - period. If you touch me while I am sleeping, I will instinctively pull away.

It wasn't like that when we were dating - not sure why - other than that's the honeymoon period and we were just so into each other. My PTSD was under control at that point. But after a few years, it all changed. That seems to be my pattern. You get too close, you want too much from me and I run.

 

[Bubba]

So it would be completely normal for him to tell me he needs a break from daily contact? Is it no contact for days or a day or a week or does it vary?

Absolutely! And the length of time really varies. It depends on him and how bad his PTSD is. No one can really say what length of time he will need. Only he can tell you that - and even then, he may not know. It can really be a day to day thing. I wish I could give you a more definitive answer, but there are so many different variables and it's also a very personal thing.