Relationship Lets Talk About Sex And Intimacy

[Pebbles]

Thank you. That gives me reassurance and a better understanding.

 

[Bubba]

No problem, Pebbles! Glad to help!

 

[Girl3]

Why are we one way when we are dating and another way when we are married? or committed?

For me it was like bait, lure. I will act any way that you want me to act to get you. But I cannot act that way forever. ACTING - it's a way of life for me since I had to act from the minute I started being abused. I have acted so much that I don't even know who I am.

When I was at Yale I started out as a theater major and was selected by this famous director to go to his summer-stock theater as a freshman. But I didn't go because I was too scared he would find out that I didn't really exist - that I was a good actress because I was trying out all of those parts to see if any of them were me.

 

[Kathia]

Ok my guy has it due to war. It's hard for him still after 5 months.

Prior to meeting me he admitted to having many one night stands and not so many great relationships. He says he wants us to last and that he as respect for me and that he loves me.

It was my birthday yesterday and we went to dinner and he seemed uncomfortable. We sent the night together but it's was hard for him to snuggle with me. This morning he hugged me and kissed me a bit but it seems we have a long way to go. He thinks we are making progress but to me it sees like we are going nowhere.

I love the man but I have to ask myself what have I signed up for? Will this ever get better.

 

[Girl3]

I love the man but I have to ask myself what have I signed up for? Will this ever get better.

Can it get better? Yes. Will it? Depends on his willingness to work toward healing, your willingness to help, and the environment underwhich all of it takes place.

I wish you both well.

 

[Kathia]

Ok I tried having the comfort level conversation and he said nothing. I so can't stand that. Doesn't he get that things worse. It's nt going to leave me. It just gets filed for a later day. I hate the silent treatment. I wish I had someone closer that I can vent with or commiserate. I never know when to say something when it's ok. I'm always walking on egg shells. God help me.

 

[bethinhfx]

@ Kathia: My best advice for having a relationship- after many, many relationships is not to put too many expectations on the person. " If you love something set it free", and all of that. I find that it works. Trying to get all of your needs met with one person doesn't work anyway. I always try to put myself in their shoes because I hate feeling smothered. HATE IT. So, why would I smother? I hate the feeling of being "OWNED" so why would I try to own. I hate the feeling of having DEMANDS placed on me so why would I be demanding?

I know that nothing is black and white but I have finally learned to love unconditionally. That doesn't mean I allow myself to be taken for granted and all of that but it means to hold loved ones lightly; to get my needs met with god and myself- bring appropriate needs to others for love, friendship, sex. Its amazing how well people respond to unselfishness and holding them lightly. I always used to cling so hard; still cling to some degree.

If you love something set it free. If it loves you it will come back and if it doesn't it was never yours in the first place.

This actually has become much easier for me as I have got older. Peace!

 

[Kathia]

I don't know what your referring to honestly. I'm not making demands. Wanting to know what someone comfort level is, is not selfish? Asking someone to express how they feel a little is not unreasonable? Am I suppose to be in an relationship where I can't even get a hug because it's demanding. He says he's trying but I haven't noticed a difference. He says he loves me but he can't help me understand. Everything is I don't know. What is that? I blame the military? You got your usage out if him and now he's broken and expect us to put him back together with no help or understanding. Do you know what's it like to love some one but you can't kiss them or hug them for fear that your going to be rejected or they are going to withdraw even more. Forget feeling desired or wanted. I've given up on that. I'm far from demanding. Trust me if I didn't love him. I would have left a long time ago because this has been far from a good time.

 

[bethinhfx]

I wasn't passing judgements- sorry! Sometimes people need space that's all, and when we try to make them change it just makes things worse. Thats more what I meant to say, " kind of like letting go, and letting god". You can't fix him right? The only person you can take care of is yourself, and maybe just letting go a little bit will give him the space he needs to take care of himself. Just sharing my own experience of being on both sides of that equation! I know its frustrating! :confused:

 

[Girl3]

Kathia - is he reasonable enough to want to meet you somewhere in-between what you both want?

For instance - if you want hugs and he doesn't want hugs, how about an appointment each day for a 5 minute hug. It would be an agreement by both of you for no more, no less. It could be at the same time each day or not, and he could be the initiator - but it would be an appointment that must be kept.

I know that sounds stilted, but so many things in our lives, if we can just them habits it would do us good.

 

[Dropkick_Molly]

So my husband seems to have a different issue... There is NO lack of sex drive, but instead he has a difficult time "finishing". He gets extremely frustrated (which obviously doesn't help) and I end up having to reassure him that it's OK and we can try again when he's had some sleep/less stressed.
As far as it being easier for sufferers to have sex with strangers, that is one of the main reasons I am afraid of my husband having an affair. Something I don't think we could bounce back from.

 

[Kathia]

I bring up the subject he doesn't say anything. That's the problem we have no progress because he avoids the issue. He's a classic avoider. How do you resolve things with anyone if they don't talk back? It's beyond frustrating.