Lets Talk About Sex, Intimacy And Self Image

[Queen Boudica]

Being with the 'right man', will make all the difference in the world. A patient man, who respects your feelings and fears will be hard to find, but I believe they are out there!
Love yourself first!

Reading this thread has just pulled up a whole load of turmoil, made me realise even more I have so much to deal with.

My ex H he was crap in bed. One minute wonder. Maybe 2 if I was lucky, even at the start when we were at it like rabbits. Athough, by the end I was just glad for the 1 minute that would be over with quickly. And I was blaming myself because I was not letting him have sex enough by then, so that is why it was over so quickly.

But then I am crap as well. Well, I ended up thinking that, because, he told me I did not want sex enough and I was not adventurous enough, even though it was fine to start off with. And I tried, doing lots of things he wanted me to but it was never good enough, he wanted more and I did have problems with a whole load of stuff, that I think is part of my mother and her disgust for sex, and telling me about how she had to do stuff like a whore to get pregnant. And the whole Catholic upbringing. There are certain things I just could not do or did not like him doing. And I did try, I just wasn't comfortable, but he wanted me to keep on and in the end I just gave up, I got completely uncomfortable about the whole thing.

But I did not make an issue about his being crap, I never said a word, because I did not want to hurt his feelings and make him feel self-conscious about it. But he was doing that to me all the time.

Now he is gone. I want sex, but I just can't ever imagine finding that "right man who is patient and respects you feelings and fears" Or I'd end up with someone, trying to please them but feeling so bad myself. So I reckon that is it for me.

 

[Oberons Wife]

(((Lizio)))
Now, I know this isn't my normal take on things, but I think there are some fabulous men out there! It's just a case of finding them, then managing to fall in love with him and for him to fall in love with you, and then the sex would be great! Not too much to ask surely?
I'm pretty sure that having ptsd is pretty much a cert, for problematic sex if you're not in love with the guy. And I think I've been in bed with enough of them to know how differently they all behave in bed, but if you're in love surely the joy of being together enables all kinds of happiness even sexual.

Have I got rose tinted glasses on?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Don't give up yet! But, down the road, take your time. Hold out until you've become the woman that you are becoming. You are setting yourself free. My T says couples who are splitting, and choose to date again, will need at least 1 month for every year that the couple was together, of NOT being in a relationship at all. We have to 'reclaim' who we are before we move on. And we must learn from our experiences. Dr. Phil calls it: "doing an autopsy on the death of the relationship."
(((Lizio)))

 

[Burke]

From what I have learned in my time on the forum it seems easier for a person suffering PTSD to have sex with a stranger than a loved one as with a loved one is the increased stress of performance, two way satisfaction and the emotional involvement which is not required for a stranger.

Wow! I can relate to this comment, Nicolette. I am married and I am struggling with this issue. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel okay forming an emotional connection with anyone. I have tried to talk with my H about little things over the years, but he has never been great at knowing how to respond. It always feels uncomfortable and I end up regretting my decision.

I like the fact that no one around me knows what happened to me. However, sometimes I wish there was someone who would just put their arms around me and say "I'm sorry that happened to you." The problem is, I'm not sure I would ever let anyone do that.

 

[No-Twitch-Tabitha]

Sex. No thanks. Not even mentally.

 

[Oberons Wife]

((Burke)),
Not knowing what you have been through, I hope I don't say the wrong thing, but I would like to say how my life is changing.
I work as an artist renting studio space in a building which enables disabled artists. It was expected initially that most tenanst would have physical disabilities, but now there are quite a few with mental health issues.

As time has gone on, people talk to each other and backgrounds are revealed. I have always been schtum about being abused as a child, but some people at work know and it's like a pressure cooker being released slowly. I don't feel under such an oppressive mood all the time. I don't feel able to be open in the wider world as it will affect my son and his relationship with the wider family. I do realise these things impact in very complicated ways, but for me just letting a few people know has made me feel more connected with the world.

 

[maddog]

God, just allowing anyone to touch me at all is mostly more than I can cope with thesedays. And God, that makes me very, very sad.

I do long for intimacy, sometimes so painfully that it feels intolerable, I just can't imagine how or if I'll ever find the way there. Everything about being touched is bad for me and always has been. The knowledge that it's not always like that is an intellectual knowledge I hold, and not any form of subjective or emotional experience that I can relate to.

I don't want this to be as good as it gets.

Maddog

 

[Queen Boudica]

I don't want this to be as good as it gets.

(((((((Maddog)))))))

I know how you are feeling. I just really can't imagine letting anyone be intimate with me ever again. But we are both trying to get ourselves better and that is working towards something better than 'this'. So it will get better and as Oberon's wife said:

I think there are some fabulous men out there! It's just a case of finding them, then managing to fall in love with him and for him to fall in love with you, and then the sex would be great!

It happens. Well I hope it does.

 

[maddog]

Oh, me too Lizio, me too. I know there are good men out there - hell, I know some of them, but sadly, someone else got to know them before I did and took them off the market!

I know that meeting the right person is just a tiny piece of my problem for now, perhaps the easiest part to conquer. Learning to accept myself as being even remotely loveable and able to love is the much greater challenge, and that one is a long way from my current reality I think.

Maddog

 

[Queen Boudica]

(((((((Maddog)))))))

You are loveable and I can tell from your writing how caring and loving you are. Your contributions to the forum have always been so sincere and heartfelt. You open your heart out and help others with your story.

 

[Oberons Wife]

ditto

 

[maddog]

Thanks everyone... that meant a lot tonight, an awful lot.

Maddog