adrift_lotus
New Here
I was in a 5 year relationship with my former fiancé who has PTSD and depression. Additionally he has issues with being adopted, his adoptive family and has witnessed a lot of violence prior to his military experiences. He has nightmares and fights in his sleep. He doesn't like new places or people.
Recently after catching him in yet another lie, I have decided to be done with him completely. In the 5 years that we were together so much happened. This experience has made me question my own sanity at times. When he first told me he had PTSD I was sympathetic and understanding. I did my reading about it. I encouraged him to get help. I knew this was a lifetime issue and felt it was something I could support him through and live with.
Overtime I found myself tip toeing around him, reluctant to say anything to him about his behavior and using his illness as an excuse for his actions. At one point when we lived together, I felt like I was going crazy. I cried everyday and dreaded going home. Things that he did were perfectly ok and acceptable despite how they made me feel - having female friends, maintaining a relationship with his ex wife, etc - but everything I did or anyone else did, was wrong. We both brought our share of problems to the relationship and lacked the skills to turn things around. His illness just added to it. It was hard to know what (actions) was him and what was PTSD. My way of dealing with things and communication barriers didn't help. The first go round ended with me moving out and him going to get professional help.
The second time around things were going ok. He proposed, he had a therapist, was taking meds, our communication started to improve, we did (attempted) couples counseling. But the one sidedness and irrational behavior was still there. I started making excuses for him again. I wouldn't take him certain places because I was scared and embarrassed of his behavior. I tried to be a better mate. I was assertive and clear about how I felt, what I wanted/needed and that I was committed to him/making the relationship work. ( a big step/improvement for me) No matter what I did or what I said he would find fault with me. He made me feel like I had to fix everything in the relationship by myself. If I could just "act right" and give him what he needed, things would be ok.
He lied about the things he was doing and people he was communicating with (other women). I would ask him outright with no anger, saying we could talk about things and he would just lie. Outside of the lies he was doing things to put himself and others in harms way. I know I've said a lot of negative things. Venting!
This man is one of the most loving, kind, sweet, affectionate, helpful people I have ever known. Underneath everything he's like a little boy that just wants a hug. I love him like the air I breathe. Everyone remarks on how much he loves me. His love is that strong and visible. He would do anything for me. So many things have endeared me to him. He gives me butterflies. On the flip side he can be cold, cruel, irrational and dark. He doesn't stop to think about his actions or how they contribute to the things/ affect the people around him. As he revealed more of himself to me, some of the things he's said and done, and the half truths he's told has me looking at him with doubt as to if he can be trusted or if I could have been completely safe and happy with him. I don't think he can help some things. He knows they are wrong but something inside prevents him from doing better/addressing certain issues. I don't think he even knows where to start.
I'm scared for him most of the time. I'm scared of the dark things and of what his feelings might make him do (mostly to hurt himself). I know there are places my love and good intentions will never reach. I feel responsible for him and like I am yet another person abandoning him. But what can I do? He has PTSD, etc but that isn't a get out of jail free card for lying or treating people badly. I don't know if I'm weak or strong for walking away, but I know I can't live like this anymore no matter how much I love him.
Recently after catching him in yet another lie, I have decided to be done with him completely. In the 5 years that we were together so much happened. This experience has made me question my own sanity at times. When he first told me he had PTSD I was sympathetic and understanding. I did my reading about it. I encouraged him to get help. I knew this was a lifetime issue and felt it was something I could support him through and live with.
Overtime I found myself tip toeing around him, reluctant to say anything to him about his behavior and using his illness as an excuse for his actions. At one point when we lived together, I felt like I was going crazy. I cried everyday and dreaded going home. Things that he did were perfectly ok and acceptable despite how they made me feel - having female friends, maintaining a relationship with his ex wife, etc - but everything I did or anyone else did, was wrong. We both brought our share of problems to the relationship and lacked the skills to turn things around. His illness just added to it. It was hard to know what (actions) was him and what was PTSD. My way of dealing with things and communication barriers didn't help. The first go round ended with me moving out and him going to get professional help.
The second time around things were going ok. He proposed, he had a therapist, was taking meds, our communication started to improve, we did (attempted) couples counseling. But the one sidedness and irrational behavior was still there. I started making excuses for him again. I wouldn't take him certain places because I was scared and embarrassed of his behavior. I tried to be a better mate. I was assertive and clear about how I felt, what I wanted/needed and that I was committed to him/making the relationship work. ( a big step/improvement for me) No matter what I did or what I said he would find fault with me. He made me feel like I had to fix everything in the relationship by myself. If I could just "act right" and give him what he needed, things would be ok.
He lied about the things he was doing and people he was communicating with (other women). I would ask him outright with no anger, saying we could talk about things and he would just lie. Outside of the lies he was doing things to put himself and others in harms way. I know I've said a lot of negative things. Venting!
This man is one of the most loving, kind, sweet, affectionate, helpful people I have ever known. Underneath everything he's like a little boy that just wants a hug. I love him like the air I breathe. Everyone remarks on how much he loves me. His love is that strong and visible. He would do anything for me. So many things have endeared me to him. He gives me butterflies. On the flip side he can be cold, cruel, irrational and dark. He doesn't stop to think about his actions or how they contribute to the things/ affect the people around him. As he revealed more of himself to me, some of the things he's said and done, and the half truths he's told has me looking at him with doubt as to if he can be trusted or if I could have been completely safe and happy with him. I don't think he can help some things. He knows they are wrong but something inside prevents him from doing better/addressing certain issues. I don't think he even knows where to start.
I'm scared for him most of the time. I'm scared of the dark things and of what his feelings might make him do (mostly to hurt himself). I know there are places my love and good intentions will never reach. I feel responsible for him and like I am yet another person abandoning him. But what can I do? He has PTSD, etc but that isn't a get out of jail free card for lying or treating people badly. I don't know if I'm weak or strong for walking away, but I know I can't live like this anymore no matter how much I love him.
Last edited by a moderator:
