Letting go of the last one...I am so scared

[Susan Jane]

Deno I appreciate your words. The struggle between knowing and implementing, even when the truth is clear, is painful. Luckily, every time it comes up again, it gets lighter to manage. I know it is an internal fight with myself, the strong, clear me and the scared, insecure and lost me. I will keep being kind to myself, my critical of myself me, isa beast

 

[Susan Jane]

Liberation wins sometimes and the old longing pain of the past and my connection to him wins

I am fighting this shit again, and he keeps contacting me....help I hate the c*nt, he knows what he is doing I can see the smile on his face. I want to punch him. My therapist says do not block him it gives him to much power...but every time I get another message it pulls me back in the shit. How does one love someone and hate them as well. I wan to be free and I want him to come through and he won't....I am not confused I am stuck and it is awful to be stuck...rant over going for a hike

 

[In the weeds]

I can relate. I've had no contact at all - his choice, in many years. He moved on. I thought I had finally found someone who loved me. After he ended it I found out I was pregnant. He denied being the father. He knew he was, and DNA tests later proved it. Our "child" is now 50! He's never spoken to him or I since.

But every time I've been in a bad place in my life, my mind goes back to when I truly felt loved. I thought he was such a good man. Now I realize of course that a good man wouldn't deny his child.

But my mind still goes back.

 

[hithere]

I had one big love in my life. He was an absolute nightmare, and completely mentally unhealthy, and I was attached to him for years. I left him finally, and I got married, and divorced, had a child, starting dealing with all my PTSD, depression, anxiety and then boom he reappeared. I ignored him for a long time.

In 2023 I went to visit him after 27 years of not seeing each other. I could do this because my son was grown, and I didn't fear my big love upsetting anything in my life. I knew it would be hard, but I felt maybe it could heal the past. I was in a really good place, I had been working hard with my therapist about things and I was feeling the best I had ever in my life.

The visit was good, of course we have our differences, but it was the best time we had ever had together. Long story short, it made me ache for the love I thought was lost. Of course that was hard, to feel it again. I had no illusions then about him, he is difficult, full of himself, and yes he had moved forward a bit but, as usual he was not completely honest and I found out he was living with someone.

Now this is not new, he was always a philanderer and I did not go there to rekindle our relationship. Nevertheless, it hurt that he lied. Of course I told him off.....and since then we have sporadic contact. I think it is okay when I am okay.

When I am strong it doesn't affect me so much, when I am low, as I am now, it does. So of course after 5 months of no contact, we disagree about politics and had had a big disagreement, he writes me out of the blue, and as I was sitting in the Dr office, I finally replied very neutrally. Why did I ? Well besides feeling completely alone inside, the honest truth is...that he is the one person I keep hoping will change, and save me.

I know this is completely ridiculous, and naive, but it is so deep inside my core. I think it is because it was always how I felt about my dad, he will wake up and be a father. None of this is true, none of it is reality, but blocking him from writing me is something I do and then unblock and then block. It is like cat and mouse depending on my mood. I cannot be myself with him really, although things are better.

I want to run to him and have him tell me everything is going to be okay and he will protect me. I know this fantasy is not good for me. I want to let go, and not think about it anymore. I am very aware this behavior is unhealthy and probably coming from my child side.

Can anyone relate? Can I feel compassion for myself for not being whole on this issue? Making an exception for someone I believe is my soul mate? Is this a lesson ? I know I should take my own advice and stop letting anyone or anything in my life that isn't good for my mental health. Funny thing my mental health is not good without him, but is it making it worse right now? Did that mail come to test me?

HELP, I wish I could do what I would when I am strong and ignore it and laugh. Right now I haven't been able to and it hurts so much...Is this the trauma from my dad's neglect and me hoping it will change through another relationship that isn't much healthier? Thanks for listening Susan

I cam relate. The story of my life. For me it was love addiction. The longing, then the thrill at connection, then loss, then waiting g, then longing then the heady thrill at being loved by someone who does that doesn't love me.

 

[Rose White]

I think it is because it was always how I felt about my dad, he will wake up and be a father.

I think this is key. If you can remind yourself that it is something like a ghost of your father maybe you can reclaim something for yourself? Something about finally giving to yourself what your father couldn’t.

What does “being a father” mean to you? What are those qualities that he needed to wake up to?

 

[Susan Jane]

I think this is key. If you can remind yourself that it is something like a ghost of your father maybe you can reclaim something for yourself? Something about finally giving to yourself what your father couldn’t.

What does “being a father” mean to you? What are those qualities that he needed to wake up to?

I cannot replace my lost childhood. Actually it is not relevant anymore. I am very clear about what I needed from my father and didn’t get… I was trying to understand the pull towards my ex… I have given him too much space in my head… trying to figure out why… His being like my father was just one idea. I am giving myself understanding, and being kind to myself Thanks for your help .