Life A Nightmare - Very Overwhelmed And Suicidal

[Jan 31]

Thank you for your kind replies. I feel a responsibility to update this thread. It's now two months that I'm at the psych ward. I'm home over night today. The terror isn't that oppressive, but I still feel that gnawing sense of doom a lot, like every wrong thought could trigger another dark, terrifying flashback attack. I'm afraid of my own out-of-control thoughts and the hell they can create.

Since I got home, I've just been lying in bed, hoping the neighbors will keep it down, because I'm feeling quite without skin again.

Two weeks ago, there were some more suicide attempts. I think the suicide attempts themselves have traumatized me further - staring death in the face with the monsters from my past breathing down my neck. Which way to go? Which way to go? Scary. But those memories have been made and I have to live with them.

One helpful thing I have reminded myself of is that "Death is certain, but time and way of death are uncertain". So I'm facing something everyone will have to face at some time. If I died in a car accident tomorrow, what difference would it make compared to suicide? If I got diagnosed with untreatable cancer, death would probably be on my mind a lot then.

Hm... Am I rambling? Anyway, the hospital is helping less than I wish it would. Nurses are doing their job asking me how I am, doctors are prescribing meds (first Venlafaxine, then Sertraline, now back to Citalopram, also Lorazepam and Zyprexa to top it off.), social worker teaching me more coping skills, but it's all a bit clueless. Meanwhile I keep suffering.

I'm sick of suffering. I feel insane and wobbly, I don't have any good hope left. Thanks for reading. At least writing this makes me feel a tiny tiny bit less alone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thank you for updating us. You certainly are struggling. Put suicide away. Just wrap it up in a brown paper bag and put it in the trash. SI wastes so much energy that could be better used in your healing. I fight with it constantly.

How to comfort you? I guess I just want you to know that CPTSD can be controlled by learning and practicing skills such as mindfulness, acceptance, reframing negative beliefs to name a few. I'm sure you've heard it all before so why do I even state it? Ask an alcoholic why they keep going to AA after many years of sobriety. It requires constant vigilance to stand steady against the storms of mental and physical illness.

My suggestion is to take one day at a time. What can you do today to lift your spirits? Are you an artist, musician, avid reader? Can you go for a walk or clean out your closet? Healing requires action. Being depressed makes it very difficult to see the beauty of nature and the kindness of most people. Breathe deeply, rest when you need it and make a date to have something fun. You deserve to be at peace and happy. If you practice your skills, contentment will come easier and easier.

 

[Jan 31]

Thank you for your reply, KwanYingirl, it means a lot to me. What inspires you to stand steady against the storms of your mental illness? How do you reframe your negative beliefs?

Yea, I'm really struggling. I'm really running on fumes. Today, I just mostly felt like "death warmed over". I think it's quite likely that I tend towards psychosis and mental fragmentation. I feel alien and unreal a lot. Insane, with death looming over me. Like the mind encountered too much suffering and broke. It's super scary and baffling.

Almost time to go back to the clinic. I'm going to focus on showering and then I'm going to get ice cream on the way there. That's all. Thanks so much for reading.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My children are my inspiration to heal. So often I don't want to face what's in front of me, but I want to better for the.
Reframing negative beliefs happens by stating something that makes you feel negative for instance "I don't deserve to be happy" change that and say instead "I deserve to be happy"

 

[xena21]

My children are my inspiration to heal. So often I don't want to face what's in front of me, but I want to better for the.

Hi, I've heard that from so many people and I'm so happy for you and those other people. I always wanted a connection like that. What do you think for those that don't have that? How do those of us that have never had that or connected like that can feel like they need to feel like can hold on in this world for anything other than themselves? So many others do it for their kids it just makes me sad I don't have that and I am lost in the loneliness I live in day to day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@xena21 my children have kept me alive for 32 years! Now that they're on their own and don't need me as much, I have a PTSD service dog named Annie. She is a wonderful companion and I can't stay in bed all day because she needs exercise. Even if I only had a cat, I think whatever you bond with and make part of your family will provide inspiration.

 

[xena21]

Even if I only had a cat, I think whatever you bond with and make part of your family will provide inspiration.

I understand that. I had a wonderful dog that I had to put to sleep recently. I think the sadness about her death has taken over my life more than anything recently. I didn't have anything except her to really talk to, and now I am alone and missing a huge piece of my life. I can't just go out and get another dog to replace her. I am not in that position. I am alone for the most part right now but I do try to talk to my therapists about stuff during the week. It's not the same thing. I need more than that but I understand what you are talking about for sure.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am so sorry your dog has died. They are like our children really. At least mine have always been. And it never gets easier to lose one.

Nows the time for you to grieve as hard as that must be considering you feel so alone. Time has a way of easing the pain. Not now perhaps, but someday a dog will enter your life when you're ready.

Does the forum help you feel less alone? It does for me considering the gravity of which we suffer. You can always talk with me.

 

[Jan 31]

I have no one to "live for". Good or bad? I don't know.

I have been home since Thursday. The time was spent mainly being triggered at all hours of the day by the most random thoughts, sights, sounds. Feeling terribly dissociated, depersonalized, just plain mad and hanging on to my last bit of sanity by my fingernails. It's a terrible state. I just let it wash through, give myself compassion, do meditation and grounding when possible, treat myself well (jog everyday, eat ice cream, nap), do stuff to distract me. But really, I mostly just watch as the madness train rolls through. This being, this poor soul is really sick.

This forum has given me some comfort and understanding. Writing and reading here has helped me keep the most tentative perspective. Thinking of the other people who suffer like I do makes me feel a bit less alone.

I haven't put suicide in the trash yet. I wish I could. When you are this sick, death is a promise. And I need that option. Sorry to say.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Jan31 I do think the support here is wonderful. When I'm feeling hopeless it's easy to forget that I matter to anyone. It takes a long time to rally and feel better, but in the past, can you see this pattern of despair and then overcoming it?
I have tickets to see Jackson Browne tonight and wouldn't you think I'd be thrilled? It's three hours of him solo and acoustic. Well, I am depressed today and yesterday and the day before that and I could care less about going. Yet, I know that the music will heal me, so I'm dragging myself to it.
Be easy on your fragile self, ice cream yes! I hope tomorrow will be a good day for you.

 

[Jan 31]

Thanks for the reply, I hope you got something good out of the concert, some beautiful moments.

This is the deepest, nastiest, craziest crisis I've ever had. Feeling hopeless, scared and suicidal again today. Don't know how to go on. Please may I die soon.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Do you have a plan to stay safe? People you can call, maybe see your T ? If I don't reach out to people I trust ( not family) my mood can collapse quickly and before I know it I've cut myself. It's so calming and then I forget about my SI. I think there's happiness in your future. All this work you do to calm the storm will have a payoff. Just hang in there! When I am hopeless I call the sexual assault hotline. They are really great. Maybe you have some trauma worm working it's way out of you causing pain. It will pass and you will start feeling stronger. I wish you peace and hope.