Life is a series of distractions.

[wisteria]

Vomit journaling. I'm fine with it. Are you having the jitters about going somewhere social? Or too anxious to be helpful as a volunteer? Or something in between ?

I actually think the position will be fairly anti-social, as I'm using my own car to deliver meals. It could be rewarding and enlightening, helping others who are housebound, but oddly enough, i'm really tired of working anti-social jobs. If anything it feeds my fear that once people get to know me, they won't like me. I guess that's a common fear but I've taken it to the extreme. As soon as people get a glimpse of "who I really am" I run away, telling myself that they are better off without me. It's what's keeping me from finding a job, actually. Volunteering could be baby steps but the time commitment would definitely cause problems with finding a job.

 

[Dynamic]

I actually think the position will be fairly anti-social, as I'm using my own car to deliver meals. It could be rewarding and enlightening, helping others who are housebound, but oddly enough, i'm really tired of working anti-social jobs. If anything it feeds my fear that once people get to know me, they won't like me. I guess that's a common fear but I've taken it to the extreme. As soon as people get a glimpse of "who I really am" I run away, telling myself that they are better off without me. It's what's keeping me from finding a job, actually. Volunteering could be baby steps but the time commitment would definitely cause problems with finding a job.

I hear you. I would feel quite stressed too. Aside from vomit journaling there's bullet journaling. Making a list of 7-10 goals, then a list of 3 top goals. ??

 

[wisteria]

I hear you. I would feel quite stressed too. Aside from vomit journaling there's bullet journaling. Making a list of 7-10 goals, then a list of 3 top goals. ??

goals!??? what are they?? funny, i never think of goals. talk about anxiety provoking.

well, we have wind gusts up to 60 mph here so i'm expecting to lose power at any moment.

 

[wisteria]

well. that was fun. not. tried vomit journaling and got so worked up that I ended up dissociating. still trying to come down. i feel so stuck. i need to talk to my T about all this but i'm so scared to, i guess. 10 more minutes until our appt. at least I still have power. the lower half of the island does not.

 

[Dynamic]

well. that was fun. not. tried vomit journaling and got so worked up that I ended up dissociating. still trying to come down. i feel so stuck. i need to talk to my T about all this but i'm so scared to, i guess. 10 more minutes until our appt. at least I still have power. the lower half of the island does not.

Hey yeah sometimes not fun. Good idea to talk to T. How did it go? Do you still have power?

 

[wisteria]

Hey yeah sometimes not fun. Good idea to talk to T. How did it go? Do you still have power?

I still have the power! the power to make decisions, the power to change my life! oh wait, you were referring to my comment earlier about the blustery day outside. AmaZINGLY enough we never lost power. In fact, it died down enough for me to go for a walk in the woods (and get hailed upon). Sounds like the wind has returned though.

This was probably the 'best' therapy session I've had with the new guy thus far.......granted it was only meeting #4, but considering how the last one just screamed FAIL, it's nice to have a feel good session. I hope I can hang on to this feeling for a while. Kinda afraid to lose it.

 

[Dynamic]

I still have the power! the power to make decisions, the power to change my life! oh wait, you were referring to my comment earlier about the blustery day outside. AmaZINGLY enough we never lost power. In fact, it died down enough for me to go for a walk in the woods (and get hailed upon). Sounds like the wind has returned though.

This was probably the 'best' therapy session I've had with the new guy thus far.......granted it was only meeting #4, but considering how the last one just screamed FAIL, it's nice to have a feel good session. I hope I can hang on to this feeling for a while. Kinda afraid to lose it.

Oh wow this is great. Fear tries to rob us of things it can never take anyways. Like a distraction. Better to enjoy it I think. Glad you didn't lose power :)

 

[wisteria]

I decided to volunteer since no commitment is required, and a break from my head will be good. Plus I can't even attend training until the 15th- baby steps!

I named my 'parts' and told my therapist about them. Really felt like a looney tune. My ex once kicked my out of the car in front of the state mental hospital and told me to go check myself in because I was so crazy. I had to run after him and beg forgiveness, promising to be better in the future. So, I get pretty paranoid about being 'crazy.' But therapist said he's been doing this for 25 years, worked at an in-patient hospital and all that, and has never met a crazy person. A person with schizophrenia, depression, etc, is just that, a person with a condition. I appreciated that.

Anyway, my parts tried to have a conversation this morning (ie, that's me trying to write down how each feels about the other) and it was both enlightening and disturbing and it sure as hell didn't make me feel any better. Not sure where to go with that, so instead I'll go outside and do some string-trimming (just can't say weed-eating lest people think the wrong thing, lol).

oh, I've got a support group mtg today online, my first one ever, and I'm super nervous. its just a casual zoom thing, but oh the nerves.

 

[wisteria]

so, my T said during our last appt that I have been irritable so he thought I didn't like him. wth? two days later and this comment is still bugging me. we had a nice chat about it, my explaining that he might have been confusing irritability with NERVES since I have been ANXIOUS ever since starting therapy and have to do a lot of deep box breathing for like 10 minutes before the session. I know he is concerned with having good rapport, so maybe he thought we were lacking, but I'm just fine with him in the rapport respect. then of course I got to totally over- thinking it and thought maybe it was counter-transference, though that isn't really a term I understand that well. I'm am pretty paranoid about him 'not liking me' tho is liking a client really necessary? idk. i did feel like it was our first half-decent session, so I'm trying to just let it go. we've only met 4 times after all.

and even if I was irritable, so what? am I not allowed to be irritable? I said that as well. maybe irritability is a sign of something else. maybe he was just testing me. I do like to be challenged, otherwise it's wicked easy for me to space out. still.

 

[wisteria]

in other news, had another conversation with my parts last night. I probably shouldn't do that so often. although it is enlightening, it is also disturbing.....disturbing enough that i was unable to sleep. apparently I'm really conflicted about suicide. I don't think about it often, but i have my go-to method in my back pocket (not literally!). yet my conversation with my parts (well, one part in particular) scared me so much I seriously considered getting rid of said go-to method. my part was so angry she was goading me into using it. ugh. Now, I'm not DID, but I looked into it anyway, and if I was, I believe that part would be a persecutor, essentially taking the role of my abuser. what a horrible feeling.

i fear I am like my friend who snapped and killed her fiance. i'd like to say it was in self-defense, but she pled guilty since she didn't have enough evidence to support that claim. it was for sure a toxic relationship. I feel like I have more compassion towards her than most because I can relate to toxic relationships and 'snapping'. I feel like i snap when I am triggered. I act impulsively. in fact, part of the reason I'm in therapy is because I was afraid I would hurt myself seriously when triggered. I do see parallels between me and my friend. she never got any help after her previous abusive relationship. I never got any help after my previous abusive relationship. She just shoved all those feelings down. I shove all those feelings down. i would never hurt anyone else tho. just myself.

 

[wisteria]

I sent my sister's kids an easter card. I wrote I miss you on the back and it made me cry. They haven't seen me in 8 years. They haven't talked to me in 8 years. It's hard to believe they even want to hear from me - who knows what my sister said about me- and I certainly don't want to make their grief (over losing their mom) any worse. But I sent the card anyway.

 

[Dynamic]

I have been irritable so he thought I didn't like him

seems odd but maybe if that were true he could have been wondering if he was the right fit for you.

maybe he was just testing me.

totally possible. more like knowing you.

I never got any help after my previous abusive relationship.

well you are now and I am glad. here for you.