Life is a series of distractions.

wisteria

Confident
*sigh* watched a video titled "do we gaslight ourselves" and didn't really get it. I know my ex (and possibly my mother??) was an excellent gaslighter, but I can't wrap my head around how I now treat myself in regards to gaslighting.

I took some CBD oil to help with my anxiety today, second time ever taking it, first time was years ago. Didn't care for it the first time cuz it made me a zombie, but today it seemed to help with the anxiety. Now I'm drinking, which is also something I don't do, but I seem to be in self-destruct mode. I felt so disconnected today, part of me was screaming for help and another part was angry. distracted myself with some yard work but I'm so fricken tired of living this way. maybe i am just done. except I got my pups so...........

*sigh*

i don't know what to do.

i tried to attend another online support group of sorts....got the time wrong, came back at the right time, and then had an equipment failure! it's so frustrating to make such an effort only to get denied!!!
 

wisteria

Confident
my mother knows i won't talk to her, so she contacts my husband instead. he's a good buffer I guess, and he doesn't encourage her, but it still feels a bit invalidating. anyway, she texted him "i feel bad for her because she only had one sister." wtf. i only had one mother too and look how that turned out! clearly, her comment pissed me off. after she told me she never loved me, she sent me a letter that said 'i hope you find healing.' fine. but i'm not going to 'find healing' as long as you are back in my life, so don't try to weasel your fricken way back in there. i'm terrified of falling prey to her covert manipulations again. i barely survived the first time. now that my sister has died, i've been hearing from her more often. first she sent me childhood photos with my sis, including a letter that said "i'm sorry for being a bad mother, i know that's hard to forgive" and now this text, supposely under the guise that my sister had insurance money that my mom thinks i should have. my husband suggested giving it to my sister's kids instead.

still. an outsider would see that my mom apologized, so i'm being the stubborn hold out. that's my fear anyway. hell, even my husband told me to go on vacation with her three years ago, which i knew would be a bad idea. she said i wouldn't have to spend all our vacation together, that I could go off by my self. Except when we got there, I could never get away. the one day I did, I had an absolutely awesome time. I swear she realized that, for it was the next day that she told me she never loved me. that's so typical of my mom. she sees me happy and knocks me down. my mother is the only person i know who can make the happiest place on earth (aka Disney) the most miserable place on earth. when I came back home I was so devastated, I'd go to the store and couldn't even look strangers in the eye, I felt like such a nothing, a POS. I hated myself so much. I felt like I was going crazy. Finally I held death in my hands and it freaked me out. Then I got little Willa, my little puppy, and cried and cried into her fur, why couldn't my mom love me like I loved my Willa girl? She saved me. Why the hell would i want to risk that tenuous hold I have on life? I don't want to, so my mother can just stay the hell out of it.
 

wisteria

Confident
well....i had a good meeting with my T. yay! I finally told him about my suicidal thoughts and I didn't get committed as a result. yay! I'm sure we both feel good about that.

hopefully this good feeling will stick around for a while.
 

wisteria

Confident
I was feeling so good that I signed up for a Zoom support group and also attended that today. whew! that was rough. I'm surprised by how triggering that was and how i constantly tried to invalidate myself....that and I just felt so unworthy. i just don't feel worthy of love and concern. i guess that's also a defense mechanism cuz if I allow people to love and care about me, i'll get hurt. the people who have 'loved' and 'cared' about me the most, hurt me the most..... though i suppose it'd be more accurate to say/realize that wasn't love or concern...i don't know what the heck that was.....

but i'll ignore my feelings and sign up for another meeting!
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
I was feeling so good that I signed up for a Zoom support group and also attended that today. whew! that was rough. I'm surprised by how triggering that was and how i constantly tried to invalidate myself....that and I just felt so unworthy. i just don't feel worthy of love and concern. i guess that's also a defense mechanism cuz if I allow people to love and care about me, i'll get hurt. the people who have 'loved' and 'cared' about me the most, hurt me the most..... though i suppose it'd be more accurate to say/realize that wasn't love or concern...i don't know what the heck that was.....

but i'll ignore my feelings and sign up for another meeting!
awesome thanks for sharing wisteria. where did you find a zoom support group? Im waiting for an in person group to email me back. thanks. <3
 

wisteria

Confident
awesome thanks for sharing wisteria. where did you find a zoom support group? Im waiting for an in person group to email me back. thanks. <
this was on meetup . com. it was actually a narcissistic abuse support group, so i'm not sure how relevant that would be for you. i also joined the CPTSD support group but the meetings are limited to 16 people, making it VERY hard to get in to. I think I'm signed up for one a month from now, and on the waitlist for the others until then. ugh.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
this was on meetup . com. it was actually a narcissistic abuse support group, so i'm not sure how relevant that would be for you. i also joined the CPTSD support group but the meetings are limited to 16 people, making it VERY hard to get in to. I think I'm signed up for one a month from now, and on the waitlist for the others until then. ugh.
Wow though sounds really great. I'm gonna check that out thanks wisteria. Sorry you're feeling bummed right now. :/
 

wisteria

Confident
@Defaultxlove Oh I'm feeling ok, just frustrated that the one group is so hard to attend. but the other group is going to have an online meditation here soon, so I'm going to try that out. hopefully I won't fall asleep. I am so tired today. 😴
 

wisteria

Confident
I'm really conflicted about my Parts. Having parts, identifying parts, communicating with parts, parts work in general. It seems a bit--- restrictive? I have Emily, my alter ego, the one I keep stuffed away. She's emotional, angry at being abandoned & discarded. Do I just shove her in the "angry part" box? Monday somebody was screaming for help....does that one go in the "desperate part" box? I've read about Exiles and Managers but that does not resonate at all. Emily could be an Exile except I talk to her the most often. She thinks I'm a patronizing hypocrite, which I totally get. Then I just start to feel like a weirdo for having these conversations I just stop. Just like I'm going to stop this post now because it seems so odd. 🤪
 

wisteria

Confident
that was crummy therapy and a crummy narc support group today. how discouraging. i get that my therapist is still trying to build trust so he's probably hesitant to push me, and it's so hard for me to open up otherwise. the support group was only 4 people including me. I jumped right into sharing a little bit about me, but then 2 others did most of the talking. the problem was i didn't relate to their stories at all. they were dealing more with malignant narcissists whereas mine were covert. since i didn't relate, i once again felt invalidated. that's really hard to feel that way, like the problem is me.
 

wisteria

Confident
I can't sleep. This sucks. Just want to cry. Now that I am starting to trust my T I guess I am freaked out that he will leave me like every once else. But he probably won't tho, I'm probably just transferring my feelings or whatever the psych speak is. I hate feeling like I have no one I can talk to. I hate feeling like I have to be happy Kathy all the fricken time. F****************k. Just hating life at the moment. Wish I could just delete everything but I guess that isn't possible
 
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