Life is a series of distractions.

[Defaultxlove]

Big big big big hug @wisteria.
I'm glad you shared with me. I know you more now and we can be closer. I feel protective of you. I'm sorry you have those experiences :( they sound awful. But now thankfully you seem to have quite the grip on the truth which makes me happy. Reminds me I was volunteering at my friends thrift shop and she told me to take all these greeting cards home.

I sorted the ones I liked. And saved one for myself that was short sweet and said get well soon. With a balloon. (i think) It's under my bed in one of my sentimental boxes.

I'm glad you are my friend wisteria. Are you getting ice cream cake today?

 

[wisteria]

I feel guilty complaining about my mother. I guess that's why I turn that into hatred for myself. We aren't supposed to complain about our mothers, who are dealing with the challenge of raising us, and my mother wasn't that bad as far as mothers go. I'm being ungrateful. Somebody told me that. Was it her?

I always dreaded christmas and my birthday, essentially I dreaded receiving gifts because I didn't think I deserved them. I feel like somebody would tell me that 'i don't deserve them but we already bought them so here you go.' My best christmas was my first christmas with my future husband, after we moved 3000 miles away, drew a christmas tree with crayons on a big piece of paper, wrapped our presents in newspaper, and put them on the floor next to the cushion we called a chair, LOL. We didn't have much money but we had real love. Not that fake crap my mom was dishing out as love. Even now I really struggle to treat myself to nice things cuz I don't think I deserve it.

we were driving home once after meeting a friend of hers. I don't remember the situation, i just remember me sitting in the back seat staring out the window when she suddenly said 'how did I get such a rotten kid?' Um, Idk mom, bad luck? I just went back to staring out the window. Then we stopped and she got me some animal crackers and all was good.

I didn't save my mom once tho. That's why I tried so hard to be a good kid; I was trying so hard to make it up to her. When I was 11 I woke up to her screaming "K, help me" over and over again. I didn't. I went back to sleep. Next thing i know we are in the police station, me sitting on a hard wooden chair listening to how my dad attacked her. He got arrested, they got divorced (a divorce that became final on my 12th birthday), nobody ever talked about it again. Talk about sweeping it under the rug. But I was consumed by guilt. Sure, I realize now that I was only 11 and scared, but at age 11/12/13/14/15/16 lol you get the idea, I feel like I let down my mom big time and she hated me for it. I tried so hard to make it up to her but nothing worked. In my mind she blamed me for not saving her and I hated myself for it. I spent age 16 trying not to make it 17.

At 18 I put myself in the same situation, screaming for help while my boyfriend at the time tried to kill me. We were in our apartment building and I could hear the neighbors TV. Hell, they probably turned up the TV to drown out my screams. Nobody helped me. That was an awful awful feeling. I had 2 thoughts then. One, no wonder my mom hated me and two, as an 11 year old there probably wasn't much I could've done. Tho even as I write that, I could've called the police or walked down the hall-- maybe I haven't forgiven myself as much as I thought I had! And yet, I've forgiven the neighbors for not doing anything. They were probably freaked out. Why can I forgive the neighbors but not me? When my mother told me she didn't love me 3 years ago, that was the first place my mind went- that I didn't save her.

It's highly possible she didn't love me much before that though. Unfortunately I have blocked out my childhood before age 11. My life starts with her screaming for help. I can remember material details before that age- where we lived, my room, my school (sorta)- but family is absent.

 

[wisteria]

I sorted the ones I liked. And saved one for myself that was short sweet and said get well soon. With a balloon. (i think) It's under my bed in one of my sentimental boxes.

I'm glad you are my friend wisteria. Are you getting ice cream cake today?

I love that you saved a card for yourself. It's such a simple thing, isn't it, yet can make a big difference.

idk what I'm doing today. apparently thinking and writing too much.......doesn't seem very 'birthday-like' but.......since thinking & writing is also processing and working towards giving myself the gift of NOT hating myself, then I guess that might be okay.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I am processing a lot today too. Hugs all day wisteria and I'll keep saying it if we are both here haha. But I do truly know you deserve to do at least one thing that makes you feel alive. And that is so unique to you today. To celebrate! Like for me the carrot cake cupcake outside. Might not mean the same to someone else.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I'm being ungrateful. Somebody told me that. Was it her?

This seems significant.

I don't think I deserve it.

But you do!!! Definitely I'm sure.

Talk about sweeping it under the rug

Yeah for real!? I'm sorry. I'm glad you're writing out! What time is T?

 

[wisteria]

Yeah for real!? I'm sorry. I'm glad you're writing out! What time is T?

half an hour. anxiety is building. need to just try to chill for a while.

 

[wisteria]

it all sounds so petty, my issues with my mom. i sound like a whiny, spoiled kid. this is what i do. this is why i stay trapped in this toxic mindset. my ex was the first person i trusted with these thoughts, and he used them all against me, agreeing that i was unlovable and better off dead. i don't know that i shared my thoughts with too many other people, if any, cuz i'm afraid they'll reach the same conclusion.

 

[Defaultxlove]

it all sounds so petty, my issues with my mom. i sound like a whiny, spoiled kid. this is what i do. this is why i stay trapped in this toxic mindset. my ex was the first person i trusted with these thoughts, and he used them all against me, agreeing that i was unlovable and better off dead. i don't know that i shared my thoughts with too many other people, if any, cuz i'm afraid they'll reach the same conclusion.

I read all of it and I see someone who is sorting through crap! And putting things in their right place. Order is good. You're doing good!

 

[Renly]

it all sounds so petty, my issues with my mom. i sound like a whiny, spoiled kid.

It’s easy to gaslight ourselves. Science is revealing the damage that is done to kids brains when parents don’t attune to their kids needs or abuse/neglect them and it is not petty. Your feelings are valid. Have you investigated anything related to attachment issues? Sitting with you as you sort through this stuff.

 

[June70]

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[wisteria]

Great chat with T today. whew, what a relief. First brought up fears of him 'dropping me' and fears were quelled. Feel so much better about that. Re: my mom, I guess the take away was she might have done the best she could, but the best she could was crap. LOL! That was in response to my invalidation of myself saying "she did the best she could." And of course I'm confused by her conflicting messages. He calls it emotional abuse tho which I have a hard time even typing now. Makes me tense up.

She sent me a check in my birthday card. I don't know if I should cash it or burn it. If I burn it, she'll call hubby and ask if I got the check and blah blah blah. If I cash it, is that seen as a door opening for her? I burned the last one. idk

 

[June70]

Our moms have a grip on us when we are children. As adults we have to learn how to detach. A good mom will help a child detach. Your mom is not helpful. Neither was mine. So, it's harder work for us. Please know that detaching is good and healthy and worth the work.

BTW, I can really relate to your feelings about the check.