Life is a series of distractions.

wisteria

Confident
Sitting in my car at the library, shaking from sharing at my second SA meeting. Feel like my two realities collided, volunteer do-gooder vs emotional mess. Inner critic yelling at me, don't share, stay in your hole, your words are stupid, no one cares, and on and on and on.

Deep breathes.

Trying to turn off my mind so I feel nothing.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
Sitting in my car at the library, shaking from sharing at my second SA meeting. Feel like my two realities collided, volunteer do-gooder vs emotional mess. Inner critic yelling at me, don't share, stay in your hole, your words are stupid, no one cares, and on and on and on.

Deep breathes.

Trying to turn off my mind so I feel nothing.
I was just sitting at the grocery store parking lot crying in my diary.

I'm here wisteria. Hugs :(

And editing to add that you can volunteer and have trauma healing going on at the same time and not be a hypocrite. it just shows how much of a loving person you are even after trauma.
 

June70

Confident
Sitting in my car at the library, shaking from sharing at my second SA meeting. Feel like my two realities collided, volunteer do-gooder vs emotional mess. Inner critic yelling at me, don't share, stay in your hole, your words are stupid, no one cares, and on and on and on.

Deep breathes.

Trying to turn off my mind so I feel nothing.
I'm so glad you got to "go to the library!"

I feel those two things collide, too.

I used to go to Adult Children of Alcoholics. There is nothing wrong with sitting and listening. I sat and listened a lot, especially at first. I considered it a triumph that I showed up. You have triumphed, too!
 

wisteria

Confident
When I was 16 I think I read in a magazine, Like Seventeen or something, before you kill yourself, run away. So I started running. And running. And running. I literally spent a lifetime running. Now that I've stopped running, the SI has just become overwhelming. So, I'm thinking of running again. I can't take feeling this way and it seems a better thing to concentrate on then death.

And yes, I've had a gratitude journal for years. I try to appreciate all the small things in life because sometimes, that's all you've got. The hummingbirds, the greening of spring, marshmallow fluff, Dove chocolate, squishmallows, being about to see color, being healthy, listening to music, the freedom to explore, the freedom to move.....
 

wisteria

Confident
Wisteria, I miss you :( praying you're okay. Here for you.
😔 I had to take a break. But I think my therapist was implying today that I need let people in, start trusting someone (tho I think he was referring to himself), if I wanted to make any progress. That was my takeaway anyway (and certainly not his exact words!!). And he's right. I can't keep freaking out and running away whenever my cup runneth over. I need to stay and face the pain, even when I think everyone is better off without me. that's so hard tho.

thank you for caring.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Donations
$125.00
😔 I had to take a break. But I think my therapist was implying today that I need let people in, start trusting someone (tho I think he was referring to himself), if I wanted to make any progress. That was my takeaway anyway (and certainly not his exact words!!). And he's right. I can't keep freaking out and running away whenever my cup runneth over. I need to stay and face the pain, even when I think everyone is better off without me. that's so hard tho.

thank you for caring.
I understand. Glad you are okay. I will continue to care, you're my friend.
 

wisteria

Confident
Chatted thru my insurance and got myself a script for hydro-something or other, an antihistamine that's supposed to help you sleep. Googled it and you can't OD (with fatal results) on it, if anything, the kids OD to get high on it. Intriguing. I was avoiding meds cuz I have a tendency to want to OD on pills, so we'll see how it goes. Impressed with how easy it was to get it. Doc asked if T suggested any other meds; I'm guessing she means an anti-depressant, but I don't want to go that route. I don't think my problems are caused by a chemical imbalance, plus I was on Wellbutrin before and HATED it.

Anyway, whatever. My tunnel vision is inspiring my productivity, so I guess that is good.
 

wisteria

Confident
So I was sitting waiting at the pharmacy for 30 minutes for my Rx to be ready, staring at the half dome mirror on the ceiling, when suddenly I was like, wtf am I doing? Seriously, what am I doing? My life is great, comparatively speaking, so why am I stuck thinking about death? Much less picking up pills that could potentially aid in that.

what the hell?

This is how my life goes. 2 weeks ago I had 3 fantastic days, thinking 'I can't believe I ever thought about killing myself', then I slip into anxiety, then I crash into tunnel vision/SI. Stuck in this dang tunnel vision for over a week, focused on 'what do I want to do before I die?' blah blah blah, and now suddenly I'm 'ok'? Is this some sort of bipolar-ness? Cuz I just seem to get stuck in this loop over and over again and it's fricken tiring. I suppose I should tell my therapist but I'm afraid he'll just brush it off as some sort of coping mechanism. That's fine except it's so tedious and exhausting, esp when I'm in SI mode. Not a fun way to live. I guess I would take meds if I thought it would help. I'm kinda at that point, albeit reluctantly. I don't want meds, but I don't want this extreme moodiness either.
 
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