Life is a series of distractions.

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
So I was sitting waiting at the pharmacy for 30 minutes for my Rx to be ready, staring at the half dome mirror on the ceiling, when suddenly I was like, wtf am I doing? Seriously, what am I doing? My life is great, comparatively speaking, so why am I stuck thinking about death? Much less picking up pills that could potentially aid in that.

what the hell?

This is how my life goes. 2 weeks ago I had 3 fantastic days, thinking 'I can't believe I ever thought about killing myself', then I slip into anxiety, then I crash into tunnel vision/SI. Stuck in this dang tunnel vision for over a week, focused on 'what do I want to do before I die?' blah blah blah, and now suddenly I'm 'ok'? Is this some sort of bipolar-ness? Cuz I just seem to get stuck in this loop over and over again and it's fricken tiring. I suppose I should tell my therapist but I'm afraid he'll just brush it off as some sort of coping mechanism. That's fine except it's so tedious and exhausting, esp when I'm in SI mode. Not a fun way to live. I guess I would take meds if I thought it would help. I'm kinda at that point, albeit reluctantly. I don't want meds, but I don't want this extreme moodiness either.
I’m in almost the same kind of cycle. It’s very exhausting. I’m sorry you are, too.
 

wisteria

Confident
I’m in almost the same kind of cycle. It’s very exhausting. I’m sorry you are, too.
what is it? I mean seriously, is it a bipolar thing? I googled it quickly and it says you need 4 days of mania. I happened to have 3. How the heck did they land on 4? Besides, my good days don't seem manic, they just seem good. I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way cuz I know how draining it is! what a fricken drag. thanks for being able to relate tho, it is nice to know I'm not the only one. 🤗
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
what is it? I mean seriously, is it a bipolar thing? I googled it quickly and it says you need 4 days of mania. I happened to have 3. How the heck did they land on 4? Besides, my good days don't seem manic, they just seem good. I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way cuz I know how draining it is! what a fricken drag. thanks for being able to relate tho, it is nice to know I'm not the only one. 🤗
I’m not bipolar. For me I think it’s PTSD, although I’m sure about the number of good days. I don’t have mania either, just days where I don’t feel awful. For me, this cycle it’s a new development…across the last few months I was mostly just depressed and panicked with very few good days in between. I’m glad I am having an uptick of good days, but it’s almost like the hard days are harder to manage after a few good ones.

I haven’t tried any medication because I’m real afraid I’ll abuse anything I’m given. I’m also afraid I’ll have bad side effects. I may reconsider at some point, but hanging in there for now.

It is sooo draining!! I’m here if you need anyone to vent to. It sure helps knowing I’m not alone in my struggles.
 

wisteria

Confident
whoa. rough day. not sure why. can't focus. heart pounding. gonna go to an online aca mtg just to interact with someone in one minute but, idk. feel so isolated and for some reason being here, reading everyone's stories, is causing me to minimize my own issues and feel worse.
 

wisteria

Confident
I don't know how not to fall into the comparison trap, or even why I do.

I forced myself to share during the SA meeting and I'm so glad I did. it's SO HARD for me to share (not on here, here is easy cuz it's not face to face I guess, and mostly anonymous). After I was done sharing I shook for 15 minutes, violently shaking. (my camera was off) I stayed for the after-fellowship chat for quite a while but then the damn comparison trap kicked in, and I started to berate myself for over-reacting to my minor situation. UGH. I logged off at that point, cuz I just felt like a big whine-y baby. Which is ridiculous. I should have just said how i felt, cuz I know the attendee's would tell me how silly i was being. (ok, not silly, but you know what I mean).

i'm just too hard on myself.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know how not to fall into the comparison trap, or even why I do.

I forced myself to share during the SA meeting and I'm so glad I did. it's SO HARD for me to share (not on here, here is easy cuz it's not face to face I guess, and mostly anonymous). After I was done sharing I shook for 15 minutes, violently shaking. (my camera was off) I stayed for the after-fellowship chat for quite a while but then the damn comparison trap kicked in, and I started to berate myself for over-reacting to my minor situation. UGH. I logged off at that point, cuz I just felt like a big whine-y baby. Which is ridiculous. I should have just said how i felt, cuz I know the attendee's would tell me how silly i was being. (ok, not silly, but you know what I mean).

i'm just too hard on myself.
I’m proud of you for sharing. I get real shaky a lot, too. I was so shaky in court and I didn’t even say anything today. And it was just court over the computer with my camera off. Still I was sooo shaky!! And it took a while to go away. So I definitely feel ya there.

It’s hard to change those automatic thought processes. It’s been a very challenging goal for me working on being more compassionate to myself. The first step is recognizing it and then learning to be more gentle. It takes time. It gets easier with practice. But it’s hard work.

I should look into some sort of zoom support groups. I just don’t know where to get started in looking. I’m glad that is something you doing. It inspires me.
 

wisteria

Confident
Still I was sooo shaky!!

I should look into some sort of zoom support groups. I just don’t know where to get started in looking. I’m glad that is something you doing. It inspires me.
I have been so shaky this morning and i don't know why. It's not like I'm thinking or worrying about anything. I was actually focused on fixing a broken item, just shaking and anxious. I don't understand that.

I like my SA group. I worry they might be a bit clique-y, as it seems to be the same 10 people every day, but that's probably just my paranoia over being excluded. They've all been friendly and encouraging (as much as you can be in a meeting where no cross-talk is allowed lol). I love that they meet almost every day and that I can actually relate, more or less. I used to go to ACA online meetings which, although it encompasses children of dysfunctional families, most seem to have addiction issues in their family, which I don't. It was too easy for me to invalidate myself. The same thing with my narcissist support group. I went to that meeting last night as well and logged off after 20 minutes, because everyone was dealing with an overt narc, and mine is covert, causing me to doubt myself again. Meetup has a CPTSD zoom mtg but it's limited to 16 participants, and it fills up lightening quick. I went to one in April, there is an opening in June, but clearly no consistency there. So yea, def difficult to find a good fit for online support groups! I've glad i got the SA but it would be nice to have one not based on suicide! Anyway, if you find a directory of online support groups, please share! I've looked and come away empty handed.
 

wisteria

Confident
My anxiety just went off the rails. Well, I guess it's been building all morning. I was trying to organize some trinkets- not thinking about a thing- but my body was super tense, on edge, getting light-headed. The more I organized, the worse it got, and i had to keep sitting down to calm down. I don't understand it. If I'm not having SI, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. Where's the middle ground? Where's the happy place?

My insurance has a 'chat with mental health" option so I gave it a go. pfffft. They told me to call my therapist for a sooner appt (duh) and about the Ginger app, which apparently "provides 24/7 access to behavioral health coaching." Chat over. lol. Wonder how much they got paid for that?

I downloaded the app and gave it a go. Elected to be connected immediately to a coach (vs scheduling an appt- soonest was tmrw night), and sure enough, was quickly connected. It's a chat thing again, so via chat she told me about Deep Belly Breathing and I gave it a go. Success! That was oddly helpful. So now I'm just kinda wondering why my therapist never mentioned it and why the first mental health chat lady didn't either? It's such a simple thing that made a big difference. Instead I have to download an app and do this and that. A little annoying.

I don't feel comfortable calling my therapist for a sooner appointment. I'm just so freaked out about boundaries and him saying no. or me being needy/dramatic. ugh. but that's another can of worms for another time.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
My anxiety just went off the rails. Well, I guess it's been building all morning. I was trying to organize some trinkets- not thinking about a thing- but my body was super tense, on edge, getting light-headed. The more I organized, the worse it got, and i had to keep sitting down to calm down. I don't understand it. If I'm not having SI, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. Where's the middle ground? Where's the happy place?

My insurance has a 'chat with mental health" option so I gave it a go. pfffft. They told me to call my therapist for a sooner appt (duh) and about the Ginger app, which apparently "provides 24/7 access to behavioral health coaching." Chat over. lol. Wonder how much they got paid for that?

I downloaded the app and gave it a go. Elected to be connected immediately to a coach (vs scheduling an appt- soonest was tmrw night), and sure enough, was quickly connected. It's a chat thing again, so via chat she told me about Deep Belly Breathing and I gave it a go. Success! That was oddly helpful. So now I'm just kinda wondering why my therapist never mentioned it and why the first mental health chat lady didn't either? It's such a simple thing that made a big difference. Instead I have to download an app and do this and that. A little annoying.

I don't feel comfortable calling my therapist for a sooner appointment. I'm just so freaked out about boundaries and him saying no. or me being needy/dramatic. ugh. but that's another can of worms for another time.
I just want to say I think it’s great you are looking for support in a number of places. I think having lots of support from different areas is really beneficial in the healing process. It can be really hard to reach and do! It is for me anyhow.
 

wisteria

Confident
I just want to say I think it’s great you are looking for support in a number of places. I think having lots of support from different areas is really beneficial in the healing process. It can be really hard to reach and do! It is for me anyhow.
Yea, well...............I had a horrible night and didn't feel like I could reach out to anyone, which was so extremely discouraging. I texted the one person who've I've been in contact with, albeit briefly, from my SA mtgs and I never heard back. I don't blame him, since it's Saturday night and he has a life I'm sure, but it's hard. I'm barely two weeks in with my SA mtgs and we have a contact list, but Idk what I'm really supposed to do with it. Randomly text some person off it? I don't think so. Text someone from the mtgs whose name I recognize? I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to it.

So I drank instead. Not a good idea.

My husband is oblivious to my struggling. I keep him oblivious. I've tried to talk to him in the past but he doesn't get it, and I just end up feeling worse. It's hard faking it when I feel so desperate, on the flip side it keeps me from doing anything stupid.

I'm sorry I'm just venting. I just feel so alone. I really need to tell my therapist because I can't keep going on like this. I'm at the point where I'd go on meds, because it's just so dang hard. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
 
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