I’m in almost the same kind of cycle. It’s very exhausting. I’m sorry you are, too.So I was sitting waiting at the pharmacy for 30 minutes for my Rx to be ready, staring at the half dome mirror on the ceiling, when suddenly I was like, wtf am I doing? Seriously, what am I doing? My life is great, comparatively speaking, so why am I stuck thinking about death? Much less picking up pills that could potentially aid in that.
what the hell?
This is how my life goes. 2 weeks ago I had 3 fantastic days, thinking 'I can't believe I ever thought about killing myself', then I slip into anxiety, then I crash into tunnel vision/SI. Stuck in this dang tunnel vision for over a week, focused on 'what do I want to do before I die?' blah blah blah, and now suddenly I'm 'ok'? Is this some sort of bipolar-ness? Cuz I just seem to get stuck in this loop over and over again and it's fricken tiring. I suppose I should tell my therapist but I'm afraid he'll just brush it off as some sort of coping mechanism. That's fine except it's so tedious and exhausting, esp when I'm in SI mode. Not a fun way to live. I guess I would take meds if I thought it would help. I'm kinda at that point, albeit reluctantly. I don't want meds, but I don't want this extreme moodiness either.